Shameful Satire for the Wonderful Folks From Last NightPFS
President’s Log - Day 12:
Wow, I mean, just wow. What a hell of first couple weeks for me, right? Could it get any better? Well, maybe if those fake-crying, huge loser Dems would stop being sore losers and just approve all my cabinet appointees I could finally relax. I made the best cabinet, I’ve heard, I’ve made the best, people are saying I’ve made the best cabinet appointments...so what’s the big hold up? I’m glad my fellow Republicans decided to do what I always do and just change the rules...it’s simply really. They say you have to do this or do that, then you say, “No, we’re actually just going to do this…” and bada-bing, bada-boom, now we have a HHS secretary. It’s about time these Washington yahoos started acting like a big time real estate, multi-billionaire, extremely handsome, and insanely generous guy like me. It’s going to do wonders, I’m telling you. Five years ago when I trademarked the best phrase, people are saying the best phrase ever trademarked, I’m hearing maybe the absolutely best phrase ever, you know the phrase, “Make America Great Again”...well five years ago when I trademarked it and started putting it on these beautiful red hats I got, from Chi...I mean America, these beautiful red hats from America’s Chinatowns, I just knew that I was going to do it. I, and I alone could make this country great again and just look what I’ve done. I had the largest inauguration ever witnessed anywhere in the universe. I successfully kept the President of Mexico out of this country, so he couldn’t take my job, or try to sell me drugs or something. Then, oh baby then, I just keep rolling out those beautiful little executive orders, I mean, have you seen the wonderful little photo ops I’ve been doing, some are saying the best looking executive orders ever signed. Then the Muslim ban, or sort of Muslim ban, or whatever the hell you want to call it, the order that keeps all the terrorists out of our country, the best order I think, most likely, it will go down as the best order to ever be implemented...you just watch. And lastly, in the most thoughtful and presidential thing that ever happened, I met with the three black people that I employ, on this start of black history month, just so I could show all those crybaby liberals I’m not racist...Like, hello? I was in a room with three to five blacks and I was totally fine. I even mentioned the ones I know, Harriet Something and Martin Luther King, and I said how proud I was of all the African Americans in this country and all the African Americans around the globe really. I mean, it was just spectacular. Can’t wait to see what happens this weekend.
Hey Everybody...It's Pat. No, not the sexually ambiguous character from that SNL sketch (I wish), but the man with the lower body of a child bearing woman, except my vagina's an outey. So, I guess sort of ambiguous, but I promise I'm super cool. I'm a 26 year old high school English teacher in training. Turns out I love the sound of my own voice so much that I thought I ought to get this job talking in front of strangers on top of teaching their kids. I am a former full time stand up comedian/imporviser, doing that as much as I possibly still can, so forgive me in advance for constantly trying material on you without you knowing. I don't know what else to say about myself...I like dogs, the Dodgers, and American Lit; so if you're up on any of those then let me know cuz we'll be friends. If you wanna know anything else just ask, I'm approachable, I swear...I don't bite...too often (only 5 times in my life, which is only like 1 person every 5.2 years). So there!