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Join Us on a Wonka Death Tour

Published January 24, 2022

It’s been a minute since we read Roald Dahl’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory so we can’t quite remember what the moral of the story is; maybe something about Googling an industrial facility’s safety record before taking your kid there? We didn’t forget that everybody except Charlie Bucket ends up having some kind of potentially fatal mishap though.

In the years since Dahl published the book, a couple of so-called “Lost Chapters” have been discovered, and they both involved Wonka casually maiming even more factory visitors. In one discarded section, two kids named Timmy Troutbeck and Wilbur Rice are sent through a hole in the wall to The Pounding and Cutting Room where “a whole lot of knives come down and go chop chop chop.” They’re not seen again. And in another early draft three kids end up “bursting with heat” after they shove a bunch of “warming candies” into their mouths.

We started thinking about what would happen if Willy Wonka invited us to his Artificially Flavored Death Mill, and we wondered how we’d eventually (or inevitably) die. So here’s how we expect to go:

  • Smothered by Dove chocolate wrapper, choking on an optimistic message reminding us to “Enjoy the Small Things in Life.”
  • Bored to death by Necco wafers
  • Boned to death by Green M&M on final horny bender
  • Suckerpunched by Lemonhead man after asking if he can buy hats off-the-rack
  • Placed in solitary after jokingly taking a bite out of the side of a Kit-Kat
  • Mauled while feeding caged Gummy Bears
  • Assaulted by Sour Patch Parents after asking whether their Sour Patch Kids could shut their Sour Patch Mouths for five freaking minutes
  • Victim of PEZ Neck
  • Mesothelioma

Oh yeah! don’t forget to watch the video because you could totally win a free swag box from this week’s Mystery Video Fun Club… it’s way better than that golden ticket bullshit!

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