Salads Are DumbCap'n Brendan
I’m going to write this blog about something you couldn’t possibly care about: What I had for lunch. Something frequently derided as a topic of small talk reserved for only the most desperate of boring conversations. But I’m going to write about it, and you might actually read about it, because I’m challenging myself tonight to turn something that boring into something at least mildly interesting. I’ll probably fail. Maybe I won’t. But you can’t win if you don’t play! And you’re still reading, so you’re basically pot-committed to find out where I’m going!
Today I had a salad for lunch. Salads are monumentally stupid. You eat them when you want to feel healthy, when you want to lose weight, and/or when you figure you probably haven’t had anything that wasn’t fried potato, cheese, or meat in a couple of days, and you realize your body could probably use a vitamin or three. Spoiler alert: That latter one is me. Like going to the gym, nobody enjoys eating a salad for the pleasure one derives from eating a salad. No, one eats a salad because one wants to enjoy the benefits that come after. Or in the case of Crossfit, or going out in Belltown on a weekend, or when you’re going on a date with a hot person, because one wants the social cachet that comes from telling others that one did it.
But here’s the thing about salads: They’re pointless. To eat one that carries enough nutritional value to carry you over until your next meal without feeling hungry enough to binge-snack all afternoon, you have to add a bunch of meat and cheese and nuts and seeds and grains. Things that defeat a lot of the nutritional benefit you hoped to gain from that salad, until you’re basically just eating chicken cordon bleu with a lettuce garnish. And at that point, why not just eat the richer dish?
Here’s the other thing about salads: They’re more expensive than most anything else on the menu. Next time you’re at a restaurant, even if you don’t want a salad (which you shouldn’t), check out the pricing. It’s probably $10-12 for a burger and fries, and $14-15 for a salad with protein. Most places mask it – they charge $8-10 for the salad itself, but then tack on $4-7 for a chicken breast or a few ounces of steak or seafood. Eat the salad without the protein and you’re hungry two hours later, wondering why you wasted all that money to still be hungry.
Really, at the end of the day, it’s just not worth it. Get the burger, enjoy your meal more, and don’t find yourself hungry and scavenging mid-afternoon which ends up with you eating a bag of Cheetos from the vending machine and half a donut you found in the cafeteria. I am in no way speaking about these specific things from a recent personal experience. #thisiswhyimfat
Congratulations to tonight’s winners: Mr. Beaglesworth, Godwin’s Press Sec, and The Myoclonic Jerks. And a big fuck you to tonight’s current game leaders, the Houston Astros. This series can’t end soon enough. See you all next week!
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