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The Canterbury Ale House
534 15th Ave E
Seattle, WA
[Wednesday 7:00 pm]
Wednesday, Apr 26, 2017


Scrub-ass Doofuses
Bag of Dees
Deuce BROS""
100 Days of Night
The Cool S
Sex House
Tree's Company
Where's Bobby?
Groin Chaffetz
Brains & Us
Freaks Who Blink
Honey Badgers
Quiz Venue Logo

Men Purchase on Mars, Women Shop on Venus

Cap'n Brendan

I got in trouble today. On my lunch break I went for a walk, a walk which found me in Nordstrom Rack. It’s not an uncommon thing for me to wind up at Westlake Park to check out the food truck options, and while I’m there pop into the Rack to see if I can score any clearance deals. Today I came out with a few good finds – notably a new suit, which I’ve been on the hunt for since I got my bonus in January and decided that would be my treat to myself.

Excited about my finds, I texted my girlfriend to tell her: “I’m cheating on you. I just bought a suit and a few other things at the Rack!” The cheating on you part because she hates when I go shopping without her. She also hates when I eat Asian food without her, but that’s another story. I expected her response to be a joke along these lines, followed by excitement for my purchases. Instead, I got sincere disappointment that I didn’t take her.

But here’s the thing. If I despise shopping to begin with, I absolutely hate shopping when it’s with someone who loves shopping. I admire her enthusiasm and appreciate the joy she gets from it, but I’m incapable of stretching a quick trip to a store into a hours-long excursion. 15 minutes in I’ve looked at everything I might want or need, tried on what I’m curious about, decided what I’m going to buy (if anything), and am ready to move on to something enjoyable. In short, I go to the store with a goal: To purchase. That’s all I want to do, complete the transaction and get out.

With my girlfriend, and according to the internet’s broad generalizations all women, the purpose of the trip isn’t to purchase: It’s to shop. To look at everything. Then look at it some more. Then think about it, try it on, put it back, come back to it, try it on again, and think about all the possibilities before deciding to put it back. But then run back and grab it before checking out. This is so, so, so, true – in the sense that it’s not really, but it sums up my feelings rather succinctly.

I’m a guy who prides himself on having not set foot in a brick and mortar store between Black Friday and Christmas Day the last several years. I wear my shopping avoidance like a badge of honor. So yeah, I cheated on my girlfriend today. And I got in trouble for it. It’s a price I was willing to pay, because the alternative was being one of these guys. And sometimes you just need to get a few things without planning a whole day around it. There’s no shortage of other things we both enjoy which we can do together.

That’s all I’ve got for this week’s rant. Congratulations to tonight’s winners: Scrub-Ass Doofuses, Bag of Dees, and Freaks Who Blink. Be well, and I’ll see you next Wednesday!

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