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Old Chicago (Longmont)
1805 Industrial Circle
Longmont, CO
[Thursday 8:00 pm]
Thursday, Feb 16, 2017


I didn't even see Cheetos on the Ballot
Donkey Hole
House Ryan
Laura Bush Killed a Man
Quiz Venue Logo

The Winner is....The Bigly Woody!

Queen Kelly

One of the things I learned last night is that you guys really, really, really like two things: coloring with crayons and the song Safety Dance.

I also learned that there are more ways to draw a penis than one could possibly imagine.

Happy Late Valentine’s Day, you guys!

In addition to asking you all the regular questions and handing out the regular prizes, I also brought paper and CRAYONS OMG for you to design dirty Valentine’s cards for the First Annual Belated Valentine’s Day Card Contest. I even went and got some clearance candy, because let’s be honest…sale candy really is the best thing about this manufactured holiday.

Best team name of the night went to the Canilinguists. I’m still not entirely convinced that it is not misspelled, but you do you, guys. You do you. I also hope you’re all feeling okay this morning.

Round 4 was your weekly opportunity to get to know your quizmistress a little better, like when I told you that we dressed up as the characters from Stranger Things for Halloween or that I totally play Dungeons and Dragons and that my chosen character is a wizard or that I have a bit of a crush on Mahershala Ali okay more than a bit….

Round 5 was an entire visual round on the Art of the Handshake, which is something entirely different than the Art of the Deal. Yanking your handshake partner’s elbow out of its socket in an overly aggressive handshake has become a national embarrassment or at least it had until PM Trudeau took him on and overpowered him like Sylvester Stallone in Over the Top. Okay, fine. Maybe that didn’t actually happen except in my head, but it was beautiful.

You all either knew a whole bunch about Franz Schubert or virtually nothing at all, which would prove to be the predictor of the end scores. So, study up on those 19th century Austrian composers.

Round 7 proved that you all watch and have watched way too much television and that you eat and have eaten way too much junk food and fast food and generally awful food. Except Kit Kats. Those are the best.

At the end of the night, I collected those Valentine’s you’d all worked so diligently to create, and was not at all disappointed. The winner of the white chocolate strawberry truffle grand prize for the contest was the creative genius behind the Bigly Woody card, with the enormous penis drawn in the shape of my enormous penis shaped table. A close second went to Andrew with his ‘meh’ emoji alongside a promise that the card would be the only thing coming late.

Everyone took home a box of conversation hearts, though, so at least for tonight, everyone is a winner.

As for the real prizes, House Ryan got a giant marshmallow heart for coming in third. Do not get used to third place prizes or clearance candy. I’m nice, but I’m not that nice. Just kidding. I’m not nice. Donkey Hole finished the night second after making a brave run for most of the night. (Schubert!) I Didn’t Even See Cheetos on the Ballot was the victorious team for the night, taking home the grand prize.

I hope you all have a lovely week. Maybe by the next time we meet, we’ll have a new handshaker-in-chief. I can dream, right?

I'm a writer, a doula, a cosplayer, a habitual swearer, and a long list of other things. I moonlight as Wonder Woman. Apparently, I also read quizzes to people. Behave. Or don't. Whatever. I'll probably yell at you regardless. If you tell me that I'm possessed and need to bathe in holy water, we can't be friends.