• Quiz Image
Moe's BBQ North (Denver)
530 Broadway
Denver, CO
80203
Thursday, July 02, 2015
[Thursday 8:00 pm]
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Porn On The 4th Of July
Yurp!

That's how I'll be celebrating our nation's independence, by sitting alone in my apartment watching patriotic pornography (the body fluids will all be red, white and blue, the lube flavored of apple pie) and ejaculating fireworks. I don't know how sexual relations work :(   Just a quick one this week, since e’rybody be on that vacation-type shit. While you’re erotically stuffing tubed meat and liquor into your sexy mouths, try not to blow off anything important with illegal fireworks this weekend. And by “important,” I mean your genitals. You can lose a digit or two and still be a relatively-normal person, but if you destroy your naughty bits, you’re
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I definitely do NOT have an Illuminati Eye branded in the place where my penis used to be, SO DON"T BOTHER CHECKING!


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Moe's BBQ North (Denver)
530 Broadway
Denver, CO
80203
Thursday, June 25, 2015
[Thursday 8:00 pm]
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Gotye Is The Aural Equivalent Of Goatse
Yurp!

Did anyone else notice the weird old guy who came and stood way too close tome me for a few minutes last night? He told me he really appreciated everything I do, like he was talking to a war veteran or some shit. (Although I have said before that QMing can feel like going to war with the crowd, I obviously never meant that literally.) Then he asked me if he could sit with me in the booth. I told him no, not because he was an obviously mentally unbalanced street person, which he was, but because I don’t really like strangers all up in my business like that. And maybe if I hadn’t been running quiz, I would have been ever-so-slightly more welcoming. Still, I felt really bad about
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I definitely do NOT have an Illuminati Eye branded in the place where my penis used to be, SO DON"T BOTHER CHECKING!


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Moe's BBQ North (Denver)
530 Broadway
Denver, CO
80203
Thursday, June 18, 2015
[Thursday 8:00 pm]
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Where Can I Score Some Of That Moses Burning Bush Ish?
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Imagine being one of those poor simpletons wandering around ancient times, not knowing shit about shit, eating molds and fungi because you don’t know any better and then you eat the wrong shit and just TRIP YOUR FUCKING BALLS OFF.   No wonder a bunch of backwards-ass dirt farmers came up with some god bullshit. If I had unwittingly ingested some psilocybin or ergot in the desert and then a flaming bush started sweet talking me (or whatever, I’m not up on my Biblin’), I’d want to pull the tunic wool over my own eyes and attribute the resultant hallucinations to some magical sky fairy, too. (I mean, I don’t even remotely believe in god, but
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I definitely do NOT have an Illuminati Eye branded in the place where my penis used to be, SO DON"T BOTHER CHECKING!


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Moe's BBQ North (Denver)
530 Broadway
Denver, CO
80203
Thursday, June 11, 2015
[Thursday 8:00 pm]
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Wetter Than The Seats At A '79 Barry Manilow Concert
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I really don’t want to talk about the weather for the second blog in a row, but holyshitwhatthefuckDenver. We been on some apocalypse shit in the Mile High City. Hey, at least we don’t have to worry about drought conditions for a couple months, right? (I don’t think that’s how droughts work.) There was so goddamn much water on the walk between my house and Moe’s last night, I felt like one of those white settlers who had died trying to ford the river in Oregon Trail. (Was that a thing? I don’t remember that game very much besides the game-hunting, which was a take-what-you-can-get kinda thing for edutainment games.) Super big thanks to Randon
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I definitely do NOT have an Illuminati Eye branded in the place where my penis used to be, SO DON"T BOTHER CHECKING!


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Moe's BBQ North (Denver)
530 Broadway
Denver, CO
80203
Thursday, June 04, 2015
[Thursday 8:00 pm]
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Holiday Road Head
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Oh man, you know that insane storm that came down like the apocalypse post-quiz? You know, the one that ended up dropping four goddamn feet (: O) of hail onto parts (or at least one part) of Denver? I literally just missed getting caught out in that shit on my walk home. Like, I was getting sprinkled on a bit for my entire twenty minute walk back to Cap Hill, and then one minute after I stepped onto my porch, all hell broke loose from the sky.   I’ve lived in Colorado for ten years, and I’ve never seen anything like that storm; it was amazing, but i=only because I didn’t get caught out in it. I did also get a chance to eat some quarter-sized hail stones
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I definitely do NOT have an Illuminati Eye branded in the place where my penis used to be, SO DON"T BOTHER CHECKING!


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Moe's BBQ North (Denver)
530 Broadway
Denver, CO
80203
Thursday, May 28, 2015
[Thursday 8:00 pm]
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More Like Penny Lame, Amirite?
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I feel like the guy who named the “windshield” was pretty severely under representing what windshields do by calling them that.   “Windshield.” It sounds like some kind of decorative screen keeping the gentle coastal breeze from disturbing the fruity rum drinks of entitled white people at a beachside restaurant patio. It does not sound like an amazing piece of technological wizardry that allows you to pilot a car at high speeds on a highway without dying.   Ever been stuck behind a gravel truck on the highway? Or had some errant rock get spit backwards from the tire of a car in front of you and crack your windshield instead
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I definitely do NOT have an Illuminati Eye branded in the place where my penis used to be, SO DON"T BOTHER CHECKING!


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Moe's BBQ North (Denver)
530 Broadway
Denver, CO
80203
Thursday, May 21, 2015
[Thursday 8:00 pm]
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The Butcher, The Baker, And The Twelve-Inch Double-Sided Rubber Dong Maker
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Oh man. Even though holiday weekends don’t affect me like most folks – I have five-day weekends every week – I can still feel everybody else getting all keyed up to rage. And boy, is that feeling ever infectious. It’s like, you know that feeling when you first take a bunch of MDMA, and you’re waiting for it to kick in, and you can sort of notice it coming on a bit after fifteen minutes, and you’re not quite there yet, but you know that in another half an hour you’ll be rolling your face off? You know that feeling? That’s what Memorial Day Weekend always feels like to me. It's that heightened sense of excitement that comes before
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I definitely do NOT have an Illuminati Eye branded in the place where my penis used to be, SO DON"T BOTHER CHECKING!


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Moe's BBQ North (Denver)
530 Broadway
Denver, CO
80203
Thursday, May 14, 2015
[Thursday 8:00 pm]
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Paradise By The Adult Arcade Lights
Yurp!

We ended up being a few hours too early to reap the team name rewards of the death of a certain blooze “legend,” unfortunately. I’ll spare you guys the Facebook rant I went on last night about it; suffice to say, my disparaging opinions on the subject of BB King’s death were pretty unpopular. I don’t know, I’m just like, fuck that wildly-overrated snake oil salesman and the entire, vast white-boy-blooze-bar-bullshit subculture that sprang up in his masturbatory wake. And fuck the artificial “sadness” that people express about famous people dying. That dude was 89 years old: Quit feigning emotion over an elderly millionaire who probably
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I definitely do NOT have an Illuminati Eye branded in the place where my penis used to be, SO DON"T BOTHER CHECKING!


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Moe's BBQ North (Denver)
530 Broadway
Denver, CO
80203
Thursday, May 07, 2015
[Thursday 8:00 pm]
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How To Shave A Wife
Yurp!

Oh, The Fray. If there was any doubt as to the legacy Colorado’s own hometown zeros were courting, let that doubt be soothed by the fact that they’re opening for Train at Red Rocks this summer. I’d say that pretty much seals their fate in the Schlock Rock Hall of Fuck This Garbage, but what do I know? My taste in music is completely suspect, as you’ll know if you’ve heard my quiz playlists filled with girl pop, deep house and Deep South rap tracks. All I’m tryna say is that Colorado deserves a better “our band” than that buncha oatmealy, sub-Coldplay, hair-product-abusers.
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I definitely do NOT have an Illuminati Eye branded in the place where my penis used to be, SO DON"T BOTHER CHECKING!


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Moe's BBQ North (Denver)
530 Broadway
Denver, CO
80203
Thursday, April 30, 2015
[Thursday 8:00 pm]

I definitely do NOT have an Illuminati Eye branded in the place where my penis used to be, SO DON"T BOTHER CHECKING!


  • Quiz Image
Moe's BBQ North (Denver)
530 Broadway
Denver, CO
80203
Saturday, April 25, 2015
[Thursday 8:00 pm]
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It's My Deathday Party And I'll Lay Here Motionless If I Want To
The Greatest Quizmaster Of All Time

People and things mentioned in last night’s quiz who are on my shitlist and why: James Kraft for inventing American “cheese.” Although its bland, artificial, flavorless, uniform mush has become the perfect food-based nutrition item to represent this unfortunate nation of ours, you didn’t have to start that cheese-adjacent mockery ball rolling, James. (Although I will admit to grudgingly appreciating Kraft Mac ‘N’ Cheeze Dinner [or whatever they call it now] when a certain combination of nostalgia and green smoke hit me just right.) Boondock Saints for being the most bafflingly-overrated
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Moe's BBQ North (Denver)
530 Broadway
Denver, CO
80203
Saturday, April 18, 2015
[Thursday 8:00 pm]
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To All The Girls I've Made Awkward And Uncomfortable Small Talk With Before
The Greatest Quizmaster Of All Time

I kept waiting for the snow to let up before I left my house; that never happened. This meant I was collecting about a half inch of fresh powder brah on my person every block I walked. I definitely wanted to just give up and lay down in traffic a few times, but I was walking down 7th Ave., so it would have taken awhile before any cars ran me over. What I’m saying is, fuck this April snow bullshit. Good times last night. Hadn’t seen Tina in a minute, hi Tina. Krupas gave me a ride home, saving me from another snow-covered walk and giving me a chance to bend their ear. You guys know. And we all got to experience the wonder of that one dude.
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Moe's BBQ North (Denver)
530 Broadway
Denver, CO
80203
Friday, April 10, 2015
[Thursday 8:00 pm]
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Squirrel Nut Fondlers
The Greatest Quizmaster Of All Time

Ah, it was like being at the Snug three years ago. See, the two teams tied fro first last night were the two teams that would invariably be at the top of the heap when I used to be posted at the Irish Snug back in the day. Fitting, then, that same said teams had to work out a dead tie in OT, with Chicago Sunroofs (nice BCS ref, btw) taking it after the first sudden death question. Now, those teams, they might be friendly to each other on the face of things, but something tells me their years-old rivalry still secretly burns somewhere deep inside of them, like the buried coals of a forgotten beach bonfire, smoldering until an unwitting 4-year-old tries to build a sandcastle
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Moe's BBQ North (Denver)
530 Broadway
Denver, CO
80203
Friday, April 03, 2015
[Thursday 8:00 pm]
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Roofies Is For The Children
The Greatest Quizmaster Of All Time

I think along with fatalities and animalities and babalities, Mortal Kombat should have a closing move called a flirtality. Like if Sub-Zero and Scorpion are fighting, at the end Sub-Z makes a dozen roses out of ice and instead of disemboweling anyone with them, he just hands them to Scorpion who just gets those cartoon hearts in his eyes. Then, while Scorpion’s distracted by infatuation, Sub-Zero rips his actual heart out and punches it through Scorpion’s actual eyes, this being Mortal Kombat after all. Gonna keep this one short this week because stuff to do. Hot ‘sups to the money getters and to all y’all else for coming out. I’ll see
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Moe's BBQ North (Denver)
530 Broadway
Denver, CO
80203
Saturday, March 28, 2015
[Thursday 8:00 pm]
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Signed, Sealed, Accidentallly Delivered To Your Old Address Which Is Now A Crack Den
The Greatest Quizmaster Of All Time

It may seem like a cliché at this point to talk shit on her shitty talking, but seriously: what fucking railed-out maniac TV executive decided it was a good idea to give Fran Drescher her own talk show? To put that in sports terms, it would be as crazy as an MLB team hiring a guy with one arm as pitcher. Or a guy with no legs deciding to be an Olympic runner. Or a really short dude (like, say, 5'3") getting a job in the NBA. All of those scenarios are obviously ridiculous and could never happen in the real world. And yet, somehow, Fran Drescher is able to overcome the handicap of having the worst speaking voice to ever crawl up the spine of the American
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Moe's BBQ North (Denver)
530 Broadway
Denver, CO
80203
Friday, March 20, 2015
[Thursday 8:00 pm]
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Fenrir Walk With Me
The Greatest Quizmaster Of All Time

Hahaha the Whig Party. Both of their presidents died in office lol. OMFG one of their philosphies was called "whiggism." The split on whether to allow slavery in the territories killed the party dead ROFL!!! WTF they opposed tyranny and were in favor of modernization?!? In the North they turned into thr Republican party BRB. Millard Fillmore was all up in it A2A (I'm running out of stupid, commonly-used acronyms, so I'm going to make my own. A2A = ass to ass, you know, like from Requiem for a Dream). The Compromise of 1850 EAHS (eating a ham sandwhich). Their stance on actual wigs was surprisingly fluid LBOF (lights bum on fire)!!! WYLATRFM(will
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