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The Denver Wrangler
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Wednesday, July 29, 2015
[Wednesdays @ 8:00 pm]
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Celebrities! They're Awful People!
Cousin Chet

Celebrities! They’re just like us! They too say horrible things when they think no one is recording them! Man, if I had a nickel for every time I said something awful that was later leaked to the press, I would have no nickels. I mean, is it really that hard to avoid screaming the N-word at your stand up set, Kramer? I mean, what would Jerry think? Don’t answer that. They were all awful people on that show. And Alec. The end of the voicemail even asked if you wanted to review your message. Didn’t you at least consider rerecording it with a more endearing pet name for your daughter than “spoiled little pig?” I’m not putting too much faith in this
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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The Denver Wrangler
1700 Logan St
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Wednesday, July 22, 2015
[Wednesdays @ 8:00 pm]
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Mad Max: Girly Road
Cousin Chet

Yes, men’s rights activists were pissed about Mad Max: Fury Road. Apparently, the movie with all the explosions and car chases was too feminist. Why? Because Charlize Theron’s character was a strong female character who did bad ass shit and occasionally told Max what to do. And that just ruined it. Ruined it! And now because of that, we will never get another good action film again without messages about “tolerance” and “equal rights.” Here’s the thing though, have you watched any of the old Mad Max movies lately? There is a distinctive homoerotic vibe. I mean, the entire wardrobe from those movies could have been purchased at the crypt. I mean, there
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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The Denver Wrangler
1700 Logan St
Denver, CO
80203
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
[Wednesdays @ 8:00 pm]
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Everybody Limbo!
Cousin Chet

Some of you might be wondering why I didn’t accept Purgatory in place of Limbo in the question about where Catholics think unbaptized babies. Here’s the thing, the concept of Limbo was invented around the time that Saint Augustine was asked where babies go when they die. Because Augustine was a dick, he told them Hell. Now, this didn’t sit well with the people or the church, the clergy scrambled to create Limbo, which is technically on the outskirts of Heaven. Now, Purgatory is where you go to atone for sins that are not quite bad enough to spend eternity in Hell. So you go there and get tortured for a while and then you get to go to Heaven. Limbo, just a bunch of babies
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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The Denver Wrangler
1700 Logan St
Denver, CO
80203
Wednesday, July 08, 2015
[Wednesdays @ 8:00 pm]
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I Never Started Believin'
Cousin Chet

I stand by what I say about the band Journey. There was this awful period in the early 2000s where every dead-eyed suburbanite decided that it would be cool to sing “Don’t Stop Believin’” at karaoke. And I do mean all of them. I know. I was bartending in the suburbs at a place that did Friday night karaoke. For a while, there were times when that song would get sung two or three times a night before the DJ finally told them no, they couldn’t sing it again. That and every angry thirtysomething single woman who had had too much to drink performing Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats” are what made those years for me a special kind of hell. And
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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The Denver Wrangler
1700 Logan St
Denver, CO
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Wednesday, July 01, 2015
[Wednesdays @ 8:00 pm]
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Canawhaa???
Cousin Chet

Canada Day. It’s the holiday you didn’t know existed because you don’t know anyone who is Canadian. Yes, it’s truly a great day for our neighbors to the north who sure love themselves some middle school melodrama. And yet we decided to celebrate the day with two of their least valuable exports; Dan Aykroyd and Pamela Anderson. Now as I posed to you last night, one of these people legitimately believes in the legend of the crystal skulls and the other willingly fucked Tommy Lee. So really, which one is crazier? One of them shills vodka shaped like a skull and tried his damnedest to make Ghostbusters a pie of shit before Harold Ramis could save it. The other one
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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The Denver Wrangler
1700 Logan St
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Wednesday, June 24, 2015
[Wednesdays @ 8:00 pm]
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Daddy's Home
Cousin Chet

First of all, I want to applaud you for getting Jeff to take his shirt off last week. Well played in telling him that I’m always shirtless by round 7. You guys did good. But, no one outdoes me at my quiz. The Wrangler is my house. And that’s why if a sub is going to take his shirt off, I’m going to take my shirt off and wrap myself in sparkly fabric. It was a little itchy, so next time, if you don’t mind, please provide me with velour. Big fan of velour. Big Trouble In Little China is a perfect film. I mean, it’s stupid as fuck. But it’s a great movie. This is some of the finest work that Kurt Russell has ever done. And now the Rock is remaking it.
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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The Denver Wrangler
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Wednesday, June 17, 2015
[Wednesdays @ 8:00 pm]
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Shirtless Quizmasters
JeffreyMetius

So going into this quiz I was told 2 things, that I would have fun…which I did and that the frozen drinks were strong…they are.   The night started out as normal as any quiz could, but when I noticed the team names during the first scoring break I figured there was something up.  One of the teams was named Shirtless Quizmasters.  When I called it out for the first score update I asked if they were wanting me to take mine off or if it was a normal thing that Johnny did.  They said both.  I laughed it off and continued on.  Then during round 6 I was handed a piece of paper that read “Johnny ALWAYS takes his shirt off by round 7…Just
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Hello all!

I'm Jeff...the really big guy. In my time when I'm not hosting quiz I enjoy playing hockey and taking my jeep up into the mountains to get away from everyone.  While I'm up there I ponder the many parts of life...like why do hotdogs come in packs of 10 and the buns come in packs of 8...and yes you can explode and yes you can implode...but can you just plode?

Just think about it. 


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The Denver Wrangler
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Wednesday, June 03, 2015
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Wait, There Was Another Terrible George Lucas Movie That Wasn't Howard The Duck
Cousin Chet

Okay, until last night I had no idea what Strange Magic by George Lucas was. And now, unfortunately, I do. Apparently it was a CGI animated film that came out in January of this year. From what I can glean from the plot, it’s about fairies and bog creatures and… Love? Magic? Oh, who gives a shit? Apparently it has something to do with an adaptation of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, which okay. Because at this moment pretty much everything is some sort of adaptation of Shakespeare unless it’s a comic book movie or a remake, so why not? What’s especially weird to me is the fact that the film actually has a decent cast. It’s got Alan Cumming, Evan Rachel
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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The Denver Wrangler
1700 Logan St
Denver, CO
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Wednesday, May 27, 2015
[Wednesdays @ 8:00 pm]
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Aurora: The Land Of Strip Malls And Dying Dreams
Cousin Chet

Okay, an Aurora headband has to be a euphemism for something related to that one suburb we all feel sad while visiting. I propose that it be letting someone sit on your face in the parking lot of the old Buckingham mall, or perhaps some sort of sex act in the parking lot of an Applebee’s or Joe’s Crab Shack. Notice that both of those involved parking lots. Well, there’s a reason for that; 9 out of 10 sex acts in Aurora happen in a parking lot. I know this, because I grew up there. But none of these euphemisms involve the Century 16 movie theater, because that is not funny. At all. Who is making kid friendly meth? I mean, kids have hardly any money to buy meth with.
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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The Denver Wrangler
1700 Logan St
Denver, CO
80203
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
[Wednesdays @ 8:00 pm]
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For The Love Of God, Stay Out Of Staten Island
Cousin Chet

So, here’s a fun story. There once was a young man named Peter Segel. For a time he was a struggling screenwriter. He spent a fair amount of time working on a screenplay about the Cuban revolution of the 1950s. It was an important drama, seen through the eyes of the everyday people caught up in the struggle. It was a powerful script. But the studios didn’t especially appreciate the film and started putting tweaks to it. Doing things like adding a love story at the center of the film. And then they just decided, fuck it. And that’s when the film became Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. And that movie sucked. I mean, it was really fucking bad. But don’t
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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The Denver Wrangler
1700 Logan St
Denver, CO
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Wednesday, May 13, 2015
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Does Carson Daly Still Host A Show
Cousin Chet

Yeah, I don’t find Jimmy Fallon to be funny. I didn’t think he was funny on SNL and I don’t think he’s funny now. I get it, Jimmy, you remember the ‘90s. In a way though he is the absolute heir apparent to Jay Leno. Because Jay Leno wasn’t very funny either. So I guess ultimately it is a good choice for the Tonight Show. I mean, I can just keep on watching Letterman and The Daily Show… Aw, fuck. You know what is amazing? Kevin Pollack has made a 40 year career out of impersonating Christopher Walken. It’s true! He’s been doing it since the ‘80s and he gets booked on talk shows and comedy
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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The Denver Wrangler
1700 Logan St
Denver, CO
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Wednesday, May 06, 2015
[Wednesdays @ 8:00 pm]
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We All Did Stupid Things In The '90s
Cousin Chet

Hey there, how have you been? Did you see Age of Ultron five times since I saw you last? Yeah, I bet you did. Wasn’t it cool when Vision did that one thing with that other thing? Sorry we have to talk in code, but I think there are three people with internet access who still haven’t seen the movie yet. Ben Affleck’s probably one of them. So, about that Robert Downey, Jr. thing; apparently he is really sick and tired about being asked about when used to smoke crack. I can understand where he’s coming from. I mean, he’s been sober for like fifteen years at least now. Maybe they should stop asking him about it during his
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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The Denver Wrangler
1700 Logan St
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Friday, May 01, 2015
[Wednesdays @ 8:00 pm]
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Show Tunes
Cousin Chet

The Swedish Chef singing Broadway show tunes is one of my favorite things ever. And I know  lot of you enjoyed it too. But I know one person who enjoys more than anyone else. My boss. We got a surprise visit from some special Geeks Who Drink people. I’m just kidding, they aren’t that special, except for the ones responsible for my pay who may be reading this now, who are in fact incredibly important and special. Also, they’re the coolest people I know. And I wish I could be more like them! But goddam does my boss love show tunes. I mean, a lot. This is a man who had Fiddler’s “Tradition” as his ringtone. And some people once hired a Rick Astley
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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The Denver Wrangler
1700 Logan St
Denver, CO
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Thursday, April 23, 2015
[Wednesdays @ 8:00 pm]
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Simpsons!!!
Cousin Chet

Otto is one of my all-time favorite Simpsons character. Along with Gil, Comic Book Guy, Disco Stu, Moe, Bumblebee Man, Hans Moleman, Kearny, Jimbo, Dolph, Ralph WIggum, Moe, Nelson, Milhouse, Duffman, Jasper Beardsly, Troy McClure, Lionel Hutz, Dr. Nick, Apu, Flanders, Arney Pie, Kent Brockman, Krusty, Krusty’s Dad, Kodos, Kang, and the old Jewish guy. And  Smithers. And Carl. And Lenny. And Barney. Okay, I just like the Simpsons. Is that a crime? So, Jack Nicholson is 78. That is old. And he doesn’t act anymore. Apparently he has retired so he can spend more time falling asleep at Lakers games. Good for him. He made a lot of great movies over the years. He also made
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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The Denver Wrangler
1700 Logan St
Denver, CO
80203
Thursday, April 16, 2015
[Wednesdays @ 8:00 pm]
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Star Wars!!!
Cousin Chet

First, I need to talk about something creepy that I read the other day. There’s a great piece over on the AV Club about the Michael Jackson song “You Are Not Alone.” If you want analysis on how creepy the lyrics are, I recommend you read that article. What I find supremely creepy is the fact that it was written by R. Kelly. R. Kelly, while arguably a genius songwriter, is a terrible human being. Let’s face facts, the dude is a child molester. So knowing that he wrote a song called “You Are Not Alone” makes you want to double check the children’s closets before bed. The only thing creepier that he did was write the Aaliyah song “Age Ain’t
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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The Denver Wrangler
1700 Logan St
Denver, CO
80203
Thursday, April 09, 2015
[Wednesdays @ 8:00 pm]
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Eh, I Prefer Matt Damon's Tears
Cousin Chet

So, I guess we have discovered a trend. Apparently Natalie Portman cries in every movie she is in. I guess from now on I just be expecting that to happen in whatever movie I am watching that she is in. Great. You may noticed that we left Black Swan out of that round. Why? Because Our DVD got busted from watching the scene where she makes out with Mila Kunis on repeat. That’s right, all employees of Geeks Who Drink share one DVD collection and it is incredibly inconvenient. I haven’t seen Gremlins in five years because someone never bothered to return it, Derek! So, Jeb Bush accidently put down his ethnicity as Hispanic on a voter registration. I don’t if it was a mistake
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan