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Monday, May 15, 2017
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And Now For An Unpopular Opinion
Cousin Chet

John Cougar Mellencamp. What good has he ever done for anyone? I mean, I guess he helped out all those farmers. And there was the short lived punk band John Cougar Concentration Camp. But other than that, what has he done? You know that MTV thing where they gave a little pink house was a huge fucking disaster. I think the winners lost money on that. And it was haunted by the ghost of Brian Adams. Probably. I need to check my sources on that one. What I’m saying is that guy sucks. I have a theory about Guardians Of The Galaxy and the rest of Chris Pratt’s film career. You remember on Parks and Rec when Andy went to London and when he came back, he was super jetlagged and
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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Monday, May 08, 2017
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And Would It Kill Them To Make A Decent Fantastic Four Movie?
Cousin Chet

Yeah, seriously. I’m not bragging but I am entirely responsible for  the inclusion of the character revealed in the credits of Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2. I mean I didn’t create the character or anything like that, but I did hold a months’ long campaign on Twitter to put that character in a Marvel movie. And I mean multiple times a week. And now, some five years later, they have seen that I was right and that putting Adam Warlock in a movie is a great idea. Oh and spoiler for the five people who haven’t seen it yet AND know who Adam Warlock is. I’m sure I have completely ruined it for you. Might as well go see The Circle instead. I’m just kidding.
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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First Draft
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Monday, May 01, 2017
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Also, Buffalo Bill
Cousin Chet

It really sucks that Jonathan Demme died. I mean, he was a really great director. Stop Making Sense is one of the greatest concert films of all time. And I’m not just saying that because I love David Byrne and would enjoy anything and everything he does. Or the fact that he’s wearing the big suit in it. But it truly is just a really great movie. And then of course there is Silence Of The Lambs. I don’t know if you realize this, but Hannibal Lector is one the greatest horror villains who ever existed. And also, it might be the most critically successful horror movie ever made. This is one of the films in history to win Oscars for Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Actress,
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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Monday, Apr 24, 2017
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This Is How We Do It
Cousin Chet

Montell Jordan’s This Is How We Do It is the great uniting jam of our generation. I don’t care who you are, but at some point in your time on this earth you have sung along to this amazing song. This is a song that brings people together. This is the party jam that takes you back to ‘90s, makes you think of partying with strange liquor in a plastic cup, the heyday of JNCO’s, midriff baring shirts, and for some reason the movie Can’t Hardly Wait. This song is everything good about the ‘90s condensed into a single song. This song could create peace in the Middle East and cure cancer. Plus you can dance to it. I like Melissa Joan Hart. Had a crush on
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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Monday, Apr 17, 2017
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Captain Ron Rules
Cousin Chet

So apparently Steven Seagal’s life is way more interesting than his movies. He drove a tank into a guy’s house to bust up a cockfighting ring, he speaks fluent Japanese, and he once beat the shit out of John Leguizamo. But most interesting of all is the rumor that he has a specially made tux so he can sneak guns into the Oscars. This brings up two questions; why would you need a gun at the Oscars and who the fuck is inviting Seteven Seagal to the Oscars? There is no circumstances that I can see that would necessitate having him at the Oscars. It’s weird and I don’t like it. Man, Kurt Russell has played a lot of characters with eyepatches. How many? Two. But
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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Monday, Apr 10, 2017
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Small Change Got Rained On.
Cousin Chet

Tom Waits. Yes, Tom Waits. It’s been said before that Tom Waits for no man. That’s a terrible joke. But seriously, Waits is a fucking god. He’s the man I want to be when I grow up. And I think I’ve smoked enough cigarettes and drank enough whiskey for that to be a possibility. I mean, I’ve never written a song, let alone one as good as Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis or Tom Traubert’s Blues (Three Sheets To The Wind In Copenhagen), but still! I truly think I can make this happen. Or not. What the fuck do I know. On the other hand, there’s Rod Stewart. And Rod Stewart? I don’t hate that guy. I know, I know. Little angry music
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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First Draft
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Monday, Apr 03, 2017
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Prequels Are Keeping Chuck Lorre Rich. We Must Change That.
Cousin Chet

Not everything you like needs a prequel. In fact, most things do not need a prequel. Hey Gotham? A Batman show that does not have Batman being Batman show is worthless. Don’t I want to know where all his villains came from? I already do. I read comic books. And when you introduce all his villains while he is ten, well that is just a waste. No one ever read Batman and said, “Boy, I wish the real star of this was Jim Gordon.” And Big Bang Theory? I don’t like you in your current iteration. Why the hell would I want to watch about a precocious Sheldon attending college as a child? I already watched Doogie Howser and I don’t think Chuck Lorre deserves any
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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Monday, Mar 27, 2017
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Paul Ryan. What A Lame-O
Cousin Chet

Paul Ryan. That fucking guy. What a fucking guy he is. A man who couldn’t pass his crappy healthcare bill even though his party controls all the branches of the government right now. A guy whose favorite band, Rage Against the Machine, told him they hated him and would prefer that he stopped listening to their music. A guy who posed for a magazine showing off his workout and everyone concluded that he looked like a total dork. A guy with a face so punchable that according to the poll “Does Paul Ryan have a punchable face?” the answer “I wish I was punching it right now” is leading by double digits. I know that it’s just a poll I made on Facebook, but it’s
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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Monday, Mar 20, 2017
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But Seriously, Cookies.
Cousin Chet

First and foremost, let me say thank you to everyone who came out and donated to Pencils Of Promise last night. You did a good thing, and that good thing is going to help children. So, be proud of yourself. And thank you Jason and Alex for not only for setting this all up but for also bringing cookies. That was really nice. Some of you appreciated the second part more than the first. Alright, enough feeling good about things. Let’s talk about Jason Lee. Jason Lee used to be so cool. I mean, he was hilarious in all those Kevin Smith movies and My Name Is Earl was fucking hilarious. But now? Now, he has starred in multiple Alvin & The Chipmunks and Underdog. Do you guys remember
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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First Draft
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Monday, Mar 13, 2017
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The Magic Of Our World
Cousin Chet

Do you ever have an experience that completely changes how you view everything? One where the entire world looks different after it happens? The air tastes better. Colors are more vibrant. Everything is just… More. Well, I had an experience like that on Monday. I learned that for whatever reason NBA players love the Cheesecake Factory. Now first of all, let’s all take a moment to remember Cheesecake Factory. I don’t know about you, but I can’t say that I’ve been there since George W. Bush was in office. I basically remember that the menu was more a catalogue than a menu with what some might considered too many items (I know Gordon Ramsey would
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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Monday, Mar 06, 2017
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There Are A Few Things I'd Like To Miss
Cousin Chet

Let’s all be honest with ourselves. Aerosmith’s I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing is not a good song. By any means. It’s schmaltzy, the lyrics are lazy, the movie it was made for is not very good, even by Ben Affleck standards and he was in Reindeer Games. So that bar is set pretty low. But at the same time, when that song comes on the radio, you will turn it up and sing along. It’s not your fault. We all do it. Hell, I did it yesterday. I’m not ashamed of it. It’s just something we all do that we don’t want to admit to, like peeing in the shower or running over homeless people with our cars. We know it’s wrong and that other will judge us for
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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Monday, Feb 27, 2017
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Bork Bork Bork
Cousin Chet

Oh, I’m sorry. Did you not know that we have the Swedish Chef on retainer to sing Jackson Five whenever we want? I mean, does your company not have that? Now I’m just embarrassed for you. I mean, I thought that was pretty standard thing to have a Muppet for your company’s entertainment? I mean, couldn’t you even get Scooter or one of the penguins? I mean, that’s just sad. So, everyone is talking about the mix-up at the Oscars. But let me just say, that this is something  that happened before. In the early ‘90s Marissa Tomei won best supporting actress. But, as some have posited, Jack Palance read the wrong name when he opened the envelope and
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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First Draft
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Monday, Feb 20, 2017
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Maybe No Frosted Blond Hair Though
Cousin Chet

I fully believe that Roy Batty’s death at the end of Blade Runner is one of the greatest onscreen deaths of all time. Talking about all the things he has seen, shirtless in the rain, holding a dove. And that final line, “Like tears in the rain… Time to die.” Fully plan on going out like that. That is the way I want to die. Seriously. Did you think I’d want to go peacefully at home surrounded by my loved ones? Fuck no! Rooftop with Harrison Ford. That’s the only real way to go. A lot of those songs in round 2 last night were really annoying. But there was nothing wrong with The Cranberries’ Zombie. That song is great and Dolores O’Riordan
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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First Draft
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Monday, Feb 13, 2017
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Shiny Shiny People
Cousin Chet

Yes, Michael Stipe hates the song Shiny Happy People. And I can’t help but agree. It’s not a great song. But the best thing about it is how he revealed that he hated it. He did so during an interview with Space Ghost. Yes, Space Ghost suggested they sing the Shiny Shiny People song and Stipe informed him that he had always hated that song, leading to an incredibly uncomfortable silence. And that’s the greatest thing ever. Also, I miss Space Ghost. And that makes me sad. Let’s talk about Lea Thompson. She played Marty McFly’s mom in Back To The Future and later played Howard The Duck’s love interest in Howard The Duck. And it is heavily implied that
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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First Draft
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Monday, Feb 06, 2017
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Seriously, That Jeremy Renner Jeffrey Dahmer Movie Is Really Good
Cousin Chet

Jeremy Renner starred in a movie about Jeffrey Dahmer. And no, it’s not one of those schlocky straight to Netflix serial killer horror movies. It’s actually a really well done thoughtful examination of his life and crimes. I don’t think I can recommend it enough. And he won an Independent Spirit award for it. You should watch it. Maybe you could watch it with your sweetie on Valentine’s Day. Nothing says romance like Hawkeye playing Milwaukee’s most famous cannibal. So, I guess we are going to have a war with Australia. Fun time to be alive. I definitely do not support this war, because I enjoy the music of Men At Work and the films Paul Hogan. Plus, our
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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Monday, Jan 30, 2017
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We Got Movie Sign!
Cousin Chet

Mystery Science Theater 3000 is the greatest TV show that ever existed. Trust me, I went to college. If you didn’t get that unique experience of watching it on Comedy Central or Sci Fi Channel or the especially unique experience of just having a bunch of them on VHS tape, specially set up to cut out the commercials, I feel bad for you. Your life is empty. It’s not too late though. There are tons of old ones on DVD and soon there will be a series of it on Netflix. So don’t miss the second chance to enjoy one of the greatest things we can do when we should be doing important things. Start with the classics of Pod People, Mitchell, Manos: Hands Of Fate, and then dig deeper into
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan