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Monday, Mar 27, 2017
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Paul Ryan. What A Lame-O
Cousin Chet

Paul Ryan. That fucking guy. What a fucking guy he is. A man who couldn’t pass his crappy healthcare bill even though his party controls all the branches of the government right now. A guy whose favorite band, Rage Against the Machine, told him they hated him and would prefer that he stopped listening to their music. A guy who posed for a magazine showing off his workout and everyone concluded that he looked like a total dork. A guy with a face so punchable that according to the poll “Does Paul Ryan have a punchable face?” the answer “I wish I was punching it right now” is leading by double digits. I know that it’s just a poll I made on Facebook, but it’s
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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Monday, Mar 20, 2017
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But Seriously, Cookies.
Cousin Chet

First and foremost, let me say thank you to everyone who came out and donated to Pencils Of Promise last night. You did a good thing, and that good thing is going to help children. So, be proud of yourself. And thank you Jason and Alex for not only for setting this all up but for also bringing cookies. That was really nice. Some of you appreciated the second part more than the first. Alright, enough feeling good about things. Let’s talk about Jason Lee. Jason Lee used to be so cool. I mean, he was hilarious in all those Kevin Smith movies and My Name Is Earl was fucking hilarious. But now? Now, he has starred in multiple Alvin & The Chipmunks and Underdog. Do you guys remember
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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Monday, Mar 13, 2017
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The Magic Of Our World
Cousin Chet

Do you ever have an experience that completely changes how you view everything? One where the entire world looks different after it happens? The air tastes better. Colors are more vibrant. Everything is just… More. Well, I had an experience like that on Monday. I learned that for whatever reason NBA players love the Cheesecake Factory. Now first of all, let’s all take a moment to remember Cheesecake Factory. I don’t know about you, but I can’t say that I’ve been there since George W. Bush was in office. I basically remember that the menu was more a catalogue than a menu with what some might considered too many items (I know Gordon Ramsey would
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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Monday, Mar 06, 2017
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There Are A Few Things I'd Like To Miss
Cousin Chet

Let’s all be honest with ourselves. Aerosmith’s I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing is not a good song. By any means. It’s schmaltzy, the lyrics are lazy, the movie it was made for is not very good, even by Ben Affleck standards and he was in Reindeer Games. So that bar is set pretty low. But at the same time, when that song comes on the radio, you will turn it up and sing along. It’s not your fault. We all do it. Hell, I did it yesterday. I’m not ashamed of it. It’s just something we all do that we don’t want to admit to, like peeing in the shower or running over homeless people with our cars. We know it’s wrong and that other will judge us for
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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Monday, Feb 27, 2017
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Bork Bork Bork
Cousin Chet

Oh, I’m sorry. Did you not know that we have the Swedish Chef on retainer to sing Jackson Five whenever we want? I mean, does your company not have that? Now I’m just embarrassed for you. I mean, I thought that was pretty standard thing to have a Muppet for your company’s entertainment? I mean, couldn’t you even get Scooter or one of the penguins? I mean, that’s just sad. So, everyone is talking about the mix-up at the Oscars. But let me just say, that this is something  that happened before. In the early ‘90s Marissa Tomei won best supporting actress. But, as some have posited, Jack Palance read the wrong name when he opened the envelope and
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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Monday, Feb 20, 2017
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Maybe No Frosted Blond Hair Though
Cousin Chet

I fully believe that Roy Batty’s death at the end of Blade Runner is one of the greatest onscreen deaths of all time. Talking about all the things he has seen, shirtless in the rain, holding a dove. And that final line, “Like tears in the rain… Time to die.” Fully plan on going out like that. That is the way I want to die. Seriously. Did you think I’d want to go peacefully at home surrounded by my loved ones? Fuck no! Rooftop with Harrison Ford. That’s the only real way to go. A lot of those songs in round 2 last night were really annoying. But there was nothing wrong with The Cranberries’ Zombie. That song is great and Dolores O’Riordan
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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Monday, Feb 13, 2017
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Shiny Shiny People
Cousin Chet

Yes, Michael Stipe hates the song Shiny Happy People. And I can’t help but agree. It’s not a great song. But the best thing about it is how he revealed that he hated it. He did so during an interview with Space Ghost. Yes, Space Ghost suggested they sing the Shiny Shiny People song and Stipe informed him that he had always hated that song, leading to an incredibly uncomfortable silence. And that’s the greatest thing ever. Also, I miss Space Ghost. And that makes me sad. Let’s talk about Lea Thompson. She played Marty McFly’s mom in Back To The Future and later played Howard The Duck’s love interest in Howard The Duck. And it is heavily implied that
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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Monday, Feb 06, 2017
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Seriously, That Jeremy Renner Jeffrey Dahmer Movie Is Really Good
Cousin Chet

Jeremy Renner starred in a movie about Jeffrey Dahmer. And no, it’s not one of those schlocky straight to Netflix serial killer horror movies. It’s actually a really well done thoughtful examination of his life and crimes. I don’t think I can recommend it enough. And he won an Independent Spirit award for it. You should watch it. Maybe you could watch it with your sweetie on Valentine’s Day. Nothing says romance like Hawkeye playing Milwaukee’s most famous cannibal. So, I guess we are going to have a war with Australia. Fun time to be alive. I definitely do not support this war, because I enjoy the music of Men At Work and the films Paul Hogan. Plus, our
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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Monday, Jan 30, 2017
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We Got Movie Sign!
Cousin Chet

Mystery Science Theater 3000 is the greatest TV show that ever existed. Trust me, I went to college. If you didn’t get that unique experience of watching it on Comedy Central or Sci Fi Channel or the especially unique experience of just having a bunch of them on VHS tape, specially set up to cut out the commercials, I feel bad for you. Your life is empty. It’s not too late though. There are tons of old ones on DVD and soon there will be a series of it on Netflix. So don’t miss the second chance to enjoy one of the greatest things we can do when we should be doing important things. Start with the classics of Pod People, Mitchell, Manos: Hands Of Fate, and then dig deeper into
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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Monday, Jan 23, 2017
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Be Like Cap'n
Cousin Chet

Well, here we are living in a brand new world than we were in last week. And it’s scary. And it’s hard to understand, but I’m going to be here to try and help you understand for the next four years. It’s weird that we are now having conversations that we never thought we’d ever have to have. Like for example, no one ever expected to say President Trump without meaning it as a joke. But here we are. And one conversation we never thought we’d have to have is whether or not it is morally right to punch a Nazi. And here’s my opinion on whether or not you should punch Nazis: absolutely. They’re fucking Nazis. In fact not punching them is a 
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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Monday, Jan 16, 2017
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And Now For An Unpopular Opinion
Cousin Chet

Koalas. Lousy worthless little shits. Sleeping all day. Never doing nothing for no one. I mean, yeah, they’re cute and all, but when have koalas ever contributed to society? Never. Name one time in the history of the world koalas have done anything. You can’t. Because they haven’t. They suck. Being adorable doesn’t make up for being worthless. Just ask the little kid from Jerry Maguire. I’m glad that Obama gave Joe Biden the Medal of Freedom. He deserves it. I mean, he’s crazy uncle Joe. Just having fun and shooting from the hip. I have to feel bad for him though. All he got Obama was a handmade coffee cup that says “World’s Greatest
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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Monday, Jan 09, 2017
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Also, Babs!
Cousin Chet

Man that Dave Matthews round was white. I mean, those were some of the whitest songs ever made, then covered by the whitest singer who ever lived. I feel like it was a direct response to Donald Glover mentioning Migos’ “Bad and Boujee” at the Golden Globes, thus confusing every white person in America. At least until they got back to themselves by having strong feelings about Meryl Streep. I mean, Dave Matthews is Miracle Whip on Wonder Bread in a blizzard voting for Trump. I would ask if people are still into his music, but I know the answer is yes. Because I know some of those people. I won’t say any names (Hi, Jeremy!). Rita Moreno has an EGOT! I know a lot
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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Monday, Jan 02, 2017
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Goat Show!
Cousin Chet

I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to hear that song ever again without thinking “Goat Show.” In fact, I think I might prefer that. Just imagine Marilyn Manson dancing around in his androgynous prosthetics… but surrounded by goats! I mean, that sounds like a lot of fun. Way more fun than most of the music he put out after that album. Yep, Revenge of the Sith was the first PG-13 Star Wars. I think it’s mainly because Anakin slaughters a bunch of fucking children. Just straight up murders them. I mean, I know we need to see him go over to the dark side, but did we need it to go like that? I mean, for fuck’s sake. Alright, that’s
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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First Draft
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Monday, Dec 26, 2016
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Cold Night For Alligators
Cousin Chet

You guys are totally missing out on the 13th Floor Elevators. First of all, they are considered the first ever psychedelic rock band. They pioneered the sound that would inspire everything that happened in music for the rest of the ‘60s. Also, their lead singer was completely fucking insane. Roky Erickson, lead singer of the band, was completely nuts. First, he did a ton of acid. And then when he got busted in Texas with drugs, he plead guilty and was sent to a home for the criminally insane. Now, there are questions about whether he was crazy when he went in, but he definitely was when he came out. He started a new band called The Aliens and then exclusively wrote
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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Monday, Dec 19, 2016
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Transparent is a great depression binge watch
Cousin Chet

Yeah, I binged the first season of Transparent during a depressive cycle. Was it the best idea? Probably not. Did I enjoy the hell out of it? I sure did. Sometimes when you are depressed, a touching emotional show is what you need. Or maybe a marathon of Kimmy Schmidt. Maybe don’t indulge in a marathon of sadness. But hey, I’m not a doctor. So Christmas came a little early for me this year. It came in the form of Gucci Mane’s album Return of the Atlanta Santa. Now, it’s not a Christmas album per se, but it does have a track with Drake singing about being drunk and high and texting people about his true feelings about them. If that isn’t the true meaning
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan


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Monday, Dec 12, 2016
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Geeks Who Drink Is For The Children
Cousin Chet

I want to thank each and every one of you for coming out tonight. You know, at GWD we sometimes get a reputation for being bitter and cynical. For hating everything. Especially superhero movies starring Ben Affleck or Jared Leto. But that doesn’t mean we don’t actually care about things. And one of those things is the children. Not our own children, bunch of rotten little brats, but children who are in need. So it makes me feel all warm and tingly that we were able to team up with Extra Life to help out the kids at Children’s Hospital. Now, in case you weren’t able to donate because you didn’t have any cash, click the link below. When you’re
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AAAAHHHH!!! AH AH AAAAAHHH! OHMYGODWHATTHEYWHATTHEFUCKWHATFUCK!?!?!?!?!? NO! NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? AAAAHHH!!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME? JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! OH DEAR CHRIST WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Also enjoys the music of Steely Dan