Ten swam about, ready to start a new day.  You see, Ten is a dolphin, but not just any dolphin, he is a Navy dolphin.  He is special.  Along with his dolphin friends, he works with seamen to keep America safe.  He was captured long ago and spent lots of time training so that he could help rescue people and find underwater bombs.  It was very important work and the steady supply of fish wasn’t bad.  He also had his buddy Spetz so everything was good. 

Now Ten was good at his job, he loved to swim about and dance in the waves.  The warm pacific waters always made him happy.  One morning he was out and about enjoying the ocean near a place the humans call “California,” which in dolphin is known as “Kkkkk Quaaaa.”  It was a regular day, Ten didn’t expect much different than normal, but today was going to be different.  Ten just didn’t know it yet.

Off he swam thinking of fish and sun and waves when he happened to notice something.  It was definitely made by the humans.  They leave stuff all over the ocean and Ten was used to seeing these things.  So he swam up and let he humans know.  “I’m sure they’ll be happy to get their toy back,” he thought.  So he went back to mark it and he noticed something different about this thing, it could talk!  Not the usual vocal speak dolphins and humans used, but mindspeak.  Ten grew very excited.  Only a few creatures knew mindspeak.  How Ten wished the humans knew it, but they were still infants and their time would come.  Ten swam down excitedly and listened to the object.  “What strange speech patterns,” thought Ten.

“How does your fuel taste?”
“Hi, I’m Ten, what’s your name?”
“I’m Howell.  How does your fuel taste?”
“What do you mean fuel?”
“Your fuel, the liquid that drives you.”
“Fish drive me, maybe I should return you to the humans and see what they make of you.”
“Will they be able to talk to me?”
“No, probably not.”
Then let me tell you my story Ten.”

It all began so long ago.  I was a born in a factory in 1883.  The called me “munitions.”  I wasn’t sure what it meant, but I knew I was meant to do big things.  The made a few of us, my brothers and me were all lined up, ready to get on big boats.  It was a very exciting time.  So we rode around all over the waters and then one day the alarm sounded and the humans came down to where we were staying.  They selected one of my brothers and he was set out into the water.  He spun his propeller and swam off with such speed.  I couldn’t wait to do it myself!  And then it happened, my brother ran in to a ship and just as we thought he was going to be okay, he exploded!  I was so scared.  What was on that ship?  Who would make an exploding boat?  Then I realized it was us.  We had the explosives in our heads!  I knew at that point I didn’t want to explode.  So I sat and waited, hoping that I wouldn’t have to die like that.  After a while I woke to the alarm and found myself being chosen to go in the water.  I was scared, but I knew what I had to do.  I stared off fast, my propeller spinning with all my might.  I swam until I saw the boat in front of me, then I just stopped.  With my propeller no longer spinning, I dropped in the water.  Deeper and deeper I went until I found myself sitting on the ocean floor.  It was a real relief not to have exploded.  So I sat on the ocean floor, but it was a very lonely place.  There was nothing else like me around.  The things that moved about me ignored me.  It was very lonely.  Then one day a strange little creature came by.  He wasn’t like the others, he ate the other creatures, but didn’t consume their bodies.  He happened upon me and asked me, “How does your blood taste?”  I didn’t know, and I told him so.  He then proceeded to bite at my shell.  Well I guess my “blood” didn’t taste very good because he skittered away and then stopped moving.  I felt bad, but then realized I could be heard by the other creatures.  I also felt the need to consume their fuel.  So until you found me, I’d been calling the smaller creatures in and draining their fuel.  You were the first to try and speak back. 

Well, Ten was amused by the story, but he wasn’t going to give up his “fuel” or let him hurt his humans.  So he thanked Howell for the story and swam off to alert the humans to leave this one alone, but it turns out the camera on his flipper had already shown them the way.  Ten was put back in his pen and he could only watch as the humans strapped up Howell and raised him to the surface and he heard Howell’s thought before he got out of range, “I wonder what their fuel tastes like?”

For more info the origin of Howell the blood sucking torpedo, look here.

 See you next week with more geeky adventures.  If you bring a depiction of Howell the bloodsucking torpedo to next quiz, we will pick one at random as the winner of some kind of prize.

Last night seemed to focus on a couple of things.  Ass n titties.  From the  golden, potentially buttered starfish to lamentations over Angelina Jolie’s missing mammaries.  Let me assure you, She is an actress, she will get new ones.  It has been written.

Now as far as safe words go, let’s cover a few tips.  First, never make your safe word something that you want.  Harder, faster, butter, not good safe words.  Also you don’t want to make them too long because that can leave you in the middle on an uncomfortable situation while you struggle to get it out.  Which is bad unless you are in to that sort of thing.  So leave hippopotamus, antidisestablishmentarianism and Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious off your safe word list.  It will save you a sore bottom later.  Now you know, and knowing is half the butthole.  So go forth and remember to play nice.

Current events found us first.  Tim Tebow already has a job offer! $75 a game?  Now that’s the power of prayer.  The IRS was sadly misguided in thinking people would like them if they picked on the Tea Party.  Dear IRS, we are going to hate you no matter what you do other than dissolve.  12 states and counting!  We are all just a little bit gay.  If you weren’t, you’d be repulsed at masturbating.  So remember that some people are just born that way and support them when they are coming out.  Misc. Conceptions sought to clear up some more popular goofs.  If you fiddle with your violin, you will not go blind.  For all intents and purposes, it is “lactose intolerant” not “lack toast and tolerant”.  So does anyone really want to bang a first lady?  I didn’t think so.  No, Mary Todd Lincoln in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter doesn’t count.  She is an actress, not the real Mary Todd.  Some celebrities have their hearts in the right place.  They use their fame to help others as well as make more money.  George Clooney should have started Not On Our Watch earlier and perhaps Batman and Robin could have been prevented.  As for Bono, fuck Bono. Next Muhammads and Alis made an appearance.  Ali G makes me laugh. Muhammad makes me sad.  Arresting a teacher for letting her students name a loved item after a person they have been trained to worship since birth seems a little backwards.  Eh, as long as religion stays away from me, I’ll stay away from it.  ZooTV fortunately had nothing to do with U2.  Spider-Man was a gimme as were the Monkees, but to those that picked up on Airwolf, well done.  Closing up The baddest man in the whole damn town is Leroy Brown.  Leroy Jenkins is the dumbest one. I was told Tit-tanic was better in 3D with some in your face fun.  Who wouldn’t want to see Kate and Leo leaning over the bow of the ship in 3D?  It’s like you could reach out and hug them.          

With an amazing come from behind victory ,Pukey McPukerson spewed forth the knowledge to will 1st place and the $25 Hotel Congress gift certificate.  2nd place went to  Angelina's A-Cups.  They used all they had to win the Pizza from Empire Pizza.  3rd place went to  Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang who won a personal pet groomer from the mystery box.  Our email winner was Jenny.  She posed with one item, but ended up choosing the GWD flash drive.  Proving he actually reads the last line of the blog, Jesus picked up some glow sticks for answering my blog question.  

Well, done all.  I look forward to another entertaining evening with you all.  Until that time, stay amazing and keep your buttholes golden.

Ok, here is a bonus for next quiz.  How many Courics does Bono weigh? first to tell me just  before quiz gets...something! 

So as some of you know, I am not a young guy.  Last night’s first round reminded me of that.  I actually have memories of 1983.  The strange thing is how certain things that launched then didn’t leave a mark in my memory.  A lot of things just appeared and have always just “been there” in my mind.  Thinking back though it had to be a condition of the time.  Apart from a few TV commercials, most things were introduced and survived on their own merit.  Now, we are bombarded with ads, tweets, Facebook pages, viral videos and more.  Then again, I was just a kid and probably just not observant enough to catch on.  Oh well, I’m just happy that Weird Al will live on forever and when you mention Black Eyed Peas, people will just say, “who?”

Speaking of music, it is interesting how we instantly link music to everything.  It’s not only in pop culture and things like that, but in personal memories.  I found this with my all TV theme song play list last night.  As soon as a new song came on, you all were calling out the show it was associated with, which is cool if you wrote it as a TV theme, but sucky if you are a musician and people forget you and only remember a buddy cop show instead.  Hopefully you enjoyed the play list and I want to do more along those lines.  So I am open to suggestions.  Movies themes, perhaps your favorite bad karaoke songs, songs you lost your virginity to, you tell me.  Start bringing lists, requests and other stuff and I’ll see about including them the following week.  Just know I will not play U2 or Nickelback. I am actually interested to see what you all come up with.  I’ll have a box out for you to drop requests next week.

Let’s do a recap shall we?

1983? It’s crazy that a lot of you weren’t even alive then.  I was busy on my Atari before your parents ever got busy.  That’s right, your parents had sex and may still have it.  Get that image out of your brain.  Ah the joys of karaoke.  Usually there is very little joy and lots of alcohol involved.  Fortunately most of the popular songs on that list are not as popular here in Tucson.  Good thing it seems “Friends in Low Places” has been left behind, if only bad singing was as well.  We gave you a sports fix with basketball.  We moved on to Heaven and other places that could never exist.  Like a swimming pool with no kids allowed, like really not allowed.  Perhaps Valhalla has one.  Next we had Kate Winslet’s tits.  I noticed a few of those rounds were pocketed for later.  Enjoy.  Before and after!  I love these rounds.  Celebrities and medical conditions go hand in hand.  Whether they have them or crusade for them, even if they are wrong. (looking at you Jenny McCarthy)  Expect more to come.  Kid’s shows made everyone happy.  Who doesn’t love Reading Rainbow?  Now Mathnet was an obscure call, but a few got it. Good work detectives.  To close the night, we enjoyed some neeps and tatties.  Which sounds like an old lady talking about boobs, but is really just potatoes and rutabagas.  Also you all now know Hitler was a Taurus which says a lot about a lot of Taurusi I’ve met.      

Winners of the night were Always the bridesmaid, never the sister wife.  They did get the $25 Congress gift certificate to ease their pain.  Second place was claimed by Sequeefstration.  Pizza from Empire Pizza was theirs to enjoy.  Third was tied between Godito Batman (because fat Batman is funny)  and Rocket Vag.  They played a game of celebrity movies.  They had to name films or shows that a random celebrity has been in.  Tonights draw was Leonardo Dicaprio.  In the end, rocket Vag stayed the course and stayed on the floating door to get Robot stickers from the mystery box.  Our email winner Donna claimed some kick ass geek socks for her very own.  

Thanks to all for a good night.  I had fun, and that's what really counts.  Ok, I kid.  Thanks for coming out and sharing your night with me.  Until we meet again, stay awesome.

Bonus.  I do very much enjoy Python.  What instrument is being played in the Cheese Shop?  Tell me just before next quiz for a random prize.

• Chilkoot Charlie's - Anchorage 7:30 PM
• Bumsted's - Tucson 8:00 PM
• The Canyon's Crown Restaurant & Pub - Tucson 8:00 PM
• Alley Katz - Sacramento 7:30 PM
• Redwing Bar & Grill - San Diego 8:00 PM
• Hamburger Mary's - West Hollywood 8:00 PM
• D Note - Arvada 6:30 PM
• Old Chicago (Tejon) - Colorado Springs 8:00 PM
• Time Out Sports Lounge & Deli - Colorado Springs 8:00 PM
• Casey's Bistro and Pub - Denver 9:00 PM
• Moe's BBQ North (Denver) - Denver 8:00 PM
• Rooster & Moon - Denver 7:00 PM
• The Rackhouse Pub - Denver 8:00 PM
• Zio Romolo's Alley Bar - Denver 8:00 PM
• Pateros Creek Brewing - Fort Collins 7:00 PM
• The Tavern at St. Michael's Square - Greeley 8:00 PM
• Brick Cellar Bar & Bistro - Gunnison 7:00 PM
• Plan B Burger Bar (Milford) - Milford 9:00 PM
• Plan B Burger Bar (Stamford) - Stamford 9:00 PM
• Piper Pub - Boise 8:00 PM
• The Pumping Company - Chicago 9:00 PM
• The Shambles - Chicago 8:00 PM
• White Horse Tavern - Allston 8:00 PM
• The Dubliner Pub (Cambridge) - Cambridge 8:00 PM
• Hugh O'Neill's - Malden 7:30 PM
• The Chesterfield - Kansas City 8:00 PM
• Brewmasters Bar & Grill - Raleigh 7:00 PM
• The Corkscrew - Jersey City 8:00 PM
• The Cube BBQ - Albuquerque 8:00 PM
• Dixie Girl Market - Los Alamos 7:00 PM
• Slate Street Billiards - Rio Rancho 7:00 PM
• Southwedge Colony - Rochester 9:00 PM
• Wall Street - Rochester 8:00 PM
• New Heights Grill - Cleveland 8:00 PM
• Sports On Tap - Happy Valley 8:00 PM
• Greenhouse Bar - Nashville 8:00 PM
• 400 Rabbits - Austin 8:00 PM
• Hickory Street - Austin 6:30 PM
• IN.GREDIENTS - Austin 7:00 PM
• Nomad Bar - Austin 8:00 PM
• Executive Surf Club - Corpus Christi 7:30 PM
• Mockingbird Taproom - Dallas 8:00 PM
• XII Whiskey Bar & Grill - Fort Worth 8:00 PM
• Hefley's - Houston 8:00 PM
• Little J's Bar - Houston 8:00 PM
• Lucky Strike - Houston 8:00 PM
• Sporting News Grill - Houston 8:00 PM
• The Maple Leaf Pub - Houston 8:00 PM
• Woodrow's Heights - Houston 9:30 PM
• TRUELOVE - Waco 8:00 PM
• Lumpys Downtown - Salt Lake City 8:00 PM
• Rapture - Charlottesville 8:00 PM
• 95 Slide - Seattle 8:00 PM
• Georgetown Liquor Company - Seattle 8:30 PM
• Jabu's Pub - Seattle 8:00 PM
• Madrona Ale House - Seattle 8:00 PM
• The Highliner Pub - Seattle 8:00 PM
• The Ram Restaurant & Brewery (Tacoma) - Tacoma 8:30 PM
• Buck & Badger Northwoods Lodge - Madison 8:30 PM