OK, we ran a little long last night…about 45 minutes or so. But it was for a good reason. When you can get an opening act the caliber of Barrack Obama, you let them play a little long if they want. This Obama kid’s got some chops, I expect big things from him. And, you know you’ve really arrived as a Quiz Master when the President comes to your town and leads into your quiz. Now granted it was in another building in town…and it was for a memorial service…and the secret service has said if I get within 2 miles of the president, they will fill me full of holes… and midgets creep me the fuck out. Wait that was random…but so true (I’ll explain later).

By 8:00 the president had come and gone in Waco, the Dallas Cowboys had already figured out a way to fuck up their draft (again) and yours truly had already been plied with liquor and Oompa Loompa porn, so there was little else to do in our fair burgh on Thursday night. A wicked awesome crowd or regulars, irregulars and newbies piled in TRUELOVE and spent a fun filled evening of quiz, self-exploration and exposing their bellies. What the hell?

One thing we do know from last night is QM Chewbrocka doesn’t like midgets. I know it’s a serious character flaw in my genetic make-up, but it borders on phobia. Their little Vienna sausage fingers, which I am sure are also coated with that gelatinous goo that smells like dead baby raccoons and sadness, send shivers up my spine. I think it stems from a dream I had as a kid when a midget had tied me up and carrying me away on a blue stuffed elephant. Wow, I think I just had a break though. If it weren’t for clowns, midgets would be the worst. God help me if I ever see a midget clown. I would crap myself and then die and then crap myself again for good measure. I had to take a nitro-glycerine pill just typing that. Fuck me…let’s get back to the quiz.

We learned some shit:

• The perfect shade of orange hair coloring comes from Oompa Loompa jizz. That’s a shit ton of tiny handjobs, but it’s worth it.

• The Winter Olympics in Tehran were doomed to failure

• Too many shots during quiz makes Red Sox look like “Real Sex.” Yes please.

• Hobbits like things that grow, like dicks and shit.

• A south Asian earthquake was so powerful, it happened in Argentina

• A telephone pole can fall in India and it will instantly kill 40 people

• We love our manic, pixie-girl bombers Courtney Love, Lindsay Lohan and fucking Tinkerbell

• Phil Collins is unduly criticized for his song “Tarzan’s Paradise”

• The Battle of Alderaan is about as far from a Rebel victory as you can get

• The best Blues Traveler song ever? “I, Robot”

• Plants have hymens…wait, that’s hymenems

• The Quiz Master has waited 20 years for there to be a Ricin-letter attack in the south so he could use his “I don’t know what the pro’lem is, I loves me some ricin beans” joke. Yes!

• We all need to say a prayer for war-torn Canada

• It’s amazing what the human ass can hold

Good scores tonight. Going into round 8, we had two teams tied with 72 and three more with 66. Those are all pretty good, thanks to a bar-wide kick in the balls to round 2. You guys know your “Paradise” songs…and Magic: The Gathering. When the dust had settled, the team who took naming their squad to Proust-like levels, So a Threesome is 3 People Having Sex. A Twosome is 2 People Having Sex. Is This Why You Call Me Handsome? emerged victorious with 84 points. The Penis and Assballs team were one point back. The George W. Bush Library: The Largest Depository of Coloring Books in the World continued their climb up the charts and were third with 78. A couple of new teams managed to challenge the regulars. Congrats to William Shatner Face and Papusas for the hearty competition. The rest of you…well at least you’re easy on the eyes….OK, at least you’re not midgets or clowns.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE mark your calendars for next Thursday as TRUELOVE will be hosting a Quiz for a Cause benefitting the West School District’s Teacher’s Fund. QM’s Darin, Faith (5^th Street Icehouse) and Steve (Salty Dog) are going to do a three-way hosting gig. There will be prizes, line music afterwards by local favorites Johnny’s Body and I’m sure Eric will cook up some sweet drink specials. We’re asking for a simple $5 donation at the door. All the cash goes for a great cause. If you want to bring some extra cash, more love on ya for that. QUIZ FOR A CAUSE, THURSDAY, MAY 2!!!! 8:00 P.M. until….?

Check our Geeks Who Drink at TRULOVE Facebook for more details. If you have friends who will only ever come to one quiz, this is the one! Hope to pack the place and raise some serious money.

Until next time, keep the Oompa Loompa jizz out of your hair and the sausage fingers at bay.

Love on ya,

D.

A substitute teacher's job is always made easier when the real teacher leaves behind something fun and easy for the students to do. For example, a movie on STDs, a connect-the-dots worksheet on Lindsey Lohan's perky boobs or a lab experiment on how to mix the perfect whiskey sour. The kids have fun and the substitute has an easy day and survives until the next time.

Such was the case on Tuesday night as your's truly played the role of substitute QM at Truelove in Waco. The tease of a Star Wars related round had the regulars excited. You could actually feel the electricity in the air around town all day. So, all I had to do was push through Rounds 1-6 and keep the anticipation building for Round 7.  Mops and buckets were ready to clean up the geek spooge that was sure to explode onto the floor.

But I digress, 8 teams competed and here are the Nuggets of Knowledge spitballs they shot out of their straws:

- Oskar Schindler directed the "Civil War" documentary

- No one remembers "Tootie" from the Facts of Life.  How can anyone forget those boobs? Geez!

- Hearing the Backstreet Boys causes brain seizures

- The jury is still out on the place in rock history of Hall and Oates

- The O.A.T test is used by gynecologists and proctologists

- An entire round on China brings down the crowd and the scores

- Han shot first and then Luke got sloppy seconds with Leia

- Hearing Darth Vader breathe creates instant erections and moist panties in a room full of pop culture brainiacs

- Define rectangular

- Margaret Thatcher was called "That Bitch" because she shut down the strip clubs in Great Britain, thus firing 20,000 strippers

- Any prison porno film Wesley Snipes made while incarcerated has to be better than any other movie he's ever been in

- The love of Clark Gable's life was "that dead girl".  Hmm, didn't know he was into that.

Much like Miley Cyrus' vagina, the scores were all over the place on Tuesday night.  Round 3 on tornadoes and Round 6 on China really punched everyone square in the their nutsacks and babymakers. Luckily, the Star Wars audio Round 7 got everyone pumped and moist.  There's just something about a Star Wars themed round that really brings out the competitive juices in everyone. "I'm the biggest Star Wars fan!" "No, fuck you, I'm the biggest fan. See my Jar Jar tattoo right above my ass crack?!"

When the Star Wars orgy and quiz was complete, team Blow That, Brock stood triumphant with 87 points. Rounding out the top 3 were team Pizzle Sticks with 73 points and team Half A Circle Jerk with 70. The Out Of Fucking Towners put up a good fight, but ended up in fourth with 67. Teams Rape Van Winkle and 2 Swamp Donkeys made out with each other like sisters and tied with 57 points.

Thanks to everyone for showing up last night.  As I mentioned, be on the lookout for details about our Quiz For A Cause we'll be doing for the people in West.

You're Welcome,

Steve 

You are all sick bastards - plain and simple. Other than the fact you’re all pretty good at Geeks Who Drink quiz, there is little to no socially redeeming value about you all. Perverts. Miscreants. Drunkards. You will all spend eternity burning smoking slow burning turds in Hell for your sick behavior. Did the movie/documentary “Teeth” mean nothing to you? A cautionary tale of “vagina dentata” is nothing to smile about. But oh no, you people will just stick your fingers in anything, like it was dental floss or something. I always knew the quizzers at TRUELOVE were just a bit off. How the hell else can you explain a bar-wide perfect score on a visual round about beavers with big teeth? We’re Waco and we like our beavers shaggy and long in the tooth. (Reminder to self: Call grandma)

It was that kind of night. We needed both dentists and sex therapists to help with the aftermath of Thursday night’s quiz at TRUELOVE in Waco. From the smiles and ecstasy coming from a well-played quiz of course. The best part is that we all learned the newest styles in beaver grooming. Here’s what you need to know:

Know Your Beaver – Styles

1. The Brazilian = The Naked Mole Rat

2. The Bermuda Triangle = The Capybara

3. Two-tone coloring = California chipmunk

4. The landing strip = Kashmir Flying squirrel

5. Post Brazilian grow back/stubble = Sundra porcupine

6. Drunkenly hiring an aging she-male prostitute in Bangkok = Eurasian beaver

And because every beaver needs a log:

1. The full-shorn, porno balls = The Water Vole

2. Lots of hair and nothing else down there = Alpine marmot

It’s amazing some of the things you learn at a Geeks Who Drink quiz. The one recurring lesson? We as a society are doomed, but what a way to go.  Outside of the serious ownage of all things beaver, the scores were actually pretty damn high, and tighter than well….some vaguely referenced female-genitalia-beaver innuendo. A third 16-point round helped boost scores, unless you had no f-ing clue how to play a Sooner or Later round – and there were those in attendance last night. Still the guys from Married Gays Against Gum Control returned to claim the top spot with an impressive 92 points. After taking the title for three weeks, the quartet of Eddie Bitcoin dropped to second place with 90. Right on their heels, even with bouncer Scott on the team, North Korea Double-O G’s had 89 points. Damn, three points separating the top three spots…tight! All three squads churned out 15 point round 8’s too. Was also impressed with the three-way tie for fourth. Swamp Donkeys, Hootie and the Knowfish and Sheepskin Dong Bags all cranked out 74.

Good scores. But, we do need to study up on a few things:

• It’s easy to tell when it’s R. Kelly singing the national anthem…just listen for the peeing

• Black dongs? Silent D? Revenge porn? That’s the Academy Award winning movie – DMagic DMike

• Cake’s tune “The Life and Times of Kim Jong Un” is really underrated, like North Korea’s nuclear program

• David Bowie does not have a song called “Life Alert.” He needs one though

• It wrecked France, stole your daughter, it’s…Les Miserables

• The Boers were brewers, miners, strippers and members of Schindler’s List

• Creed Homo is an acceptable answer for Scott Stapp

• An audio round on the National Anthem without Carl Lewis is a bigger crime than Carl Lewis singing the national anthem

• Dr. Frank N. Furter’s humanoid creation: Brittney Griner

• James K. Polk presided over the War on Hoth

• There were two Boer Wars. There were 69 Whore Wars

• Kurt Cobain also played lead shotgun

Top Team Name of the Night: It’s a three-way toss up between Chrinstine Get Off Your Knees, You’re Blowing It, Married Gays Against Gum Control and Sheepskin Dong Bags. I think the nod will go to the Dong Bags…I just love the way it rolls off the tongue. Wait…did that sound gay?

And there you have it. A night more arousing than watching two beavers mate on the Discovery Channel. As always you guys are awesome and I look forward to the day when I can again pet your beavers. In the meantime, make sure you check out the Geeks Who Drink at TRUELOVE Facebook page. There will be photos…therefore, there is evidence. You’ll get  a bonus question on Tuesday.

Until next time remember to floss your beaver’s teeth and brush your beaver fleece!

Love on ya,

D.

Some fun Images!

Boba Fett was a dick!

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