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GLASGOW – This just in. The United States has been officially banned from the 2014 Special Olympics. It appears recent quiz taking and bar room shenanigans at Geeks Who Drink have proved to be the final straw in this tenuous relationship - the chief culprit being TRUELOVE in Waco, TX this Thursday night. The governing bodies of both the Special Olympics and USADA (Unites States Assn. of Dumb Asses) thought it would be better to just keep the USA from hurting itself during the games. According to USADA Director, Phil McCracken, they have seen the photos from the Geeks Who Drink blogs, read some of the answers and seen the scores. “We have a saying that we’re all winners just for trying. Umm, I think you guys would be winners by not trying. We can’t have people out here losing an eye, running around naked or throwing up on the field…or all three,” McCracken said. “Besides, we would go broke drug-testing all of those drunken jacktards anyway.”
This marks the first time the USA has been banned from competition since it was booted from the Commonwealth Games in 1776. When asked for comment, a TRUELOVE quizzer was heard to say, “The Special Olympics and The Commonwealth Games? I thought they were the same thing……AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!”
Man, it feels good to be back home. After a week of getting some strange quiz (filling in for an ailing fellow QM) it was nice to be back in the warm, loving, tattooed, moist loins of the TRUELOVE quizzers. The inappropriate touching was really welcomed this time. Before we go any further, I want to set the record straight. I did not have sexual relations with those other quizzes! They meant nothing to me. They were a one-time thing, twice. I didn’t even get their phone numbers and I used a condom. It’s just that we’ve been together for a while now and I just needed some strange quiz…just to make sure my love for you was as strong as the first time we popped our quiz cherries together. Come here…let’s make out now, like we did in high school. I won’t even ask if I can put a finger in.
The TRUELOVE answers did give me a quiz boner last night…especially when the entire bar had, what I’m calling a “Thrillergasm”: That moment of nirvana when the last two notes of an audio clip make you realize it’s a Michael Jackson song. It would explain why all the answer sheets for round 2 were moist. And we still had 6 rounds to go. This is why I love the Geeks Who Drink quiz at TRUELOVE. If you can’t be right, be so, so wrong…and that right. Let’s go into what we learned that wasn’t right, but was:
TRUELOVE should take over MTV because they have great ideas for shows:
Masturbating Charlie Sheen: 30 minutes of watching Charlie whack it. Hell yeah!
Malibu Barbie Porn: The Ken’s Bleached Asshole Edition
Me and My Labia
My Two Sluts
Schindler’s List (wtf?!?!)
Elephant Polo’s highest honor is the Calcutta Cup
You can tell the sexes of Pac People by the bow…and the vagina
Penis Pilot was a great video game, but the track ball was always hairy…and sweaty
If you totally owned an old video game, you got the butthole screen
Bianchi and Team Telekom are the world leaders in masturbation sports
PedoBear – it tells you bedtime stories…very, very closely (Sandusky Seal of Approval!)
Oskar Schindler saved Jewish workers to build Central Europe’s favorite toy: The Schindler Baby
Molly Piss Her Pants – was that an answer, a statement or a command?
We all wish we had an imaginary friend called the Vagina Viking
It is great fun to record yourself swearing, farting, and belching and placing the cassette in your sister’s Teddy Ruxpin Bear…and basically turning it into “Ted” 25 years ahead of schedule
Everybody knows that Phyllis Diller never referred to her husband as “The Cunt Commander.” It was “Conway Twitty’s Pencil Dick,” Duh!
TRUELOVE totally BITCH-SLAPPED round 3! We know our shitty little states. Six perfect rounds and a 7! And while Cuba may be under 40,000 square miles, it is not in the U.S.
Scoring was incredibly close all night. We had a shitload of changes within the second to fifth place spots – with every round some teams would drop as many as four spots. That’s the kind of competition you don’t see at the Special Olympics! The Team With No Name was one of three teams to Joker a 15-point round 2 and held on to win with 78 points. The left The Swamp Donkeys, The Birds and The Beedrills, Back With Black (Guy) and Brute Force Drink PBR to duke it out for the final two spots. An uncharacteristically good round 8 shot the Swamp Donkeys from 5th to 3rd with 74. Back With Black (Guy) also gathered steam as the quiz went on and jumped into 2nd place, a single point out with 77. The remaining teams were also within 10 points. That’s the kind of scoring that gets into the top bars each week.
Top Team Name of the Night: The Birds and The Beedrills. I’m a sucker for a good Pokemon reference.
Not Last Place Winner: Waiting for Nelson to Show Us the Slippery Minnow. They took home a pair of growing alligator things.
Make sure to catch extra shenanigans on the Geeks Who Drink at TRUELOVE Facebook page!
Thanks again for coming our making TRUELOVE the premier quiz in Waco. I’ll wash the stink of another quiz off of me. Until then, may all of your quizzes be strange (in a good way) and all of your Olympics be special.
See you this Sunday at 8:00. I don’t want to brag, but I played by myself and won…while doing a fantasy football draft. And nest Thursday at 8:00.
Love on ya,