How fortunate that we had a question on Newton’s Laws of Motion and a drunk, shouting asshole last night.  Otherwise, this title would have made no sense.

Round 1 was about questions with obvious answers.  Not too obvious, it seems, although I surprised some of you knew that the food level in Earthworm Jim 2 was Level 8/Level Ate.  Oh, who doesn’t enjoy a good pun?

Round 2 was an audio round where songs mention locations.  I apologize for subjecting you to Nickelback.  You know the odd thing about their song “Rockstar?”  It’s a true story; they really, really, really, really want to be rockstars.  But they can’t because they suck.

Round 3 was multiple choice: was it Adam Savage from Mythbusters or Egon Spengler from Ghostbusters.  Not much to say here—everybody was adequate.

Round 4 was a round on small, phallic objects.  I had to be a stickler on question 6: “baby carrot” not “carrot.”  I wouldn’t want a carrot-shaped dick but a full grown carrot is, at least, a decent length.  As the round was on small phallic items, I couldn’t accept any answers that were of average size. 

Round 5 was a visual round where you identified the animal based on a photo of its asshole.  Before you turned it in, I reminded you of the rule “do not fuck with the quizmaster” and that point deductions would be coming your way if I saw my name on any of those answers.  Thank you for listening; people with brains enough to follow simple instructions make me happy.

Round 6 was on locks, stocks, and barrels.  Even I didn’t know that you could spin the Google homepage 360 degrees by typing “do a barrel roll” in the search bar.  But, now that I know, I do it all the time.

Round 7 was an audio round on Ellen Page movies.  I don’t blame you for confusing the movie Super with Kick-Ass; I’ve seen them both and they are, with the exception of the title and presence/non-presence of Ellen Page, the exact same movie.

And then we had round 8 in which a drunken hag came into the bar and shouted out every answer every time.  First warning was stern but fair.  Second was sterner.  By the fifth time it was “shut the fuck up, we’re trying to run a quiz here.”  “Sincerity” is not a word in the Geeks Who Drink dictionary but I do apologize to my loyal band of quizzlings that had to sit through probably the worst “shouter” in the history of my quizzing. 

And that was that.  Hope to see you again real soon.   

I like to think of myself as a father figure to my quizzlings.  Even though most are much older than me, the “drink” part of “Geeks Who Drink” reverts many back to infantile behavior.  Let Daddy guide you through last night.

It upsets me that you’re going through this phase where you’re really into evil, the devil, and—most disturbingly—fruits.  I mean, have you tried not liking these things?  Nevermind, I’m going to make you listen to Jesus-ified pop songs to put the fear of God back into you.

If Daddy didn’t know better he’d wash your mouth out with soap if he heard you using the words in round 3, the round where you defined unusual words.  Well, Daddy doesn’t know better.  Get over here; I got some Irish Spring with your name on it.

Round four was on crime and punishment—something you’re familiar with when you disappoint me.  Which is often.

How are your grades?  Judging by your scores on round 5, the visual round, I’d say you’re doing pretty well in chemistry.

Daddy has a hard job as quizmaster so your other daddy (it’s a complicated relationship) Ken Jennings took over.  I know Daddy Ken talks fast sometimes but he also talks clearly and he repeats himself.  That’s why I was agitated with your request for repeats.  I know, based on your answers, that you most certainly understood what the question was—you just didn’t know the CORRECT answer.  Daddy knows when you’re just stalling for time and he’s very proud of the team that scored a perfect 8.  Why can’t you other teams be more like that team?

Round 7 was on movies with talking animals.  Daddy doesn’t understand this shit you kids are into these days.

Sometimes Daddy has to yell.  It isn’t because he doesn’t love you anymore, it’s because his microphone broke down right before round 8.  Go get Daddy a little whiskey to soothe his throat.

You’re all growing up so fast and I can’t wait to see again next week.

The quiz happened.  If you weren’t there, these were the highlights.

Round one was the mystery round.  You all figured out that Shakespeare was the missing link (not the Bigfoot kind) but his birthplace eluded you.  Actually, you weren’t even getting it in the right country.

Round two was an audio round where we XTREME-ified popular songs.  That means they were played slightly faster and they sang a decibel above a normal volume.  Yes, that’s what’s passing for XTREME these days.  Back in my time, you weren’t XTREME unless you were bungee jumping off a burning bridge with the cord wrapped around your nut-sack as you juggled knives coated with the AIDS virus.  Times change.

Round three was a speed round where you named 8 of the top 12 dead celebrities of 2011 that were still making cash.  All I want to say is that Charles Schulz’s Peanuts cartoon is a piece of shit and I don’t care how badly I’m stomping on your precious childhood memories.  It isn’t funny, it isn’t drawn well, and the life lessons learned are not nearly as insightful as people make them out to be.  Only Family Circus can claim to be a worse comic strip.  That’s right, I’m putting Marmaduke above Peanuts. 

Round four was a round on current events.  I didn’t realize how many ways you could spell “Kazakhstan” until last night.

Round five was a visual round on TV shows that had been distorted.  They were further distorted by the fact that my printer was running out of ink and many of the images were faded.  Still, mostly perfect scores on that one.

Round six was on things that were dead, gay, or both.  This is probably a good time to reiterate the “don’t fuck with the quizmaster rule.”  The only reason I didn’t deduct points for putting my name down for one of the gay questions is because it’s your birthday.  So, happy birthday, jackass. 

Round seven was an audio round where we made TV theme songs into dubstep classics.  Yeah, you guys hated that round and your scores proved it.

Round eight was random knowledge.  One question asked whether or not the Mayan calendar had more or fewer days than ours.  I made it interesting by adding 3 extra points to the team that could write down how many days they thought were in a Mayan year.  Closest team won.

And that’s what happened.  See you next week.  Bye now.  

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