Too Gay to Function was the name of the WINNING TEAM last night at Three Lions Pub. But this wasn't the only thing that this gay team won today. No sirree. Yesterday, Colorado legalized CIVIL UNIONS. This means homosexual and heterosexual couples alike can become civil unionized and live happily every after. Fucking awesome, right? This is why Colorado is awesome. Well, this and the mountains and the sunshine and the pot and the microbrews. 

Something interesting happened... But I've completely forgotten.

According to the quiz, teacher's make an average salary of $57,000, to which I say, "...the fuck?" As a teacher, this disheartens me. I make siginificantly lower than $57,000. Now, I'm not a Math teacher, but I know a bit about how averages work. So, if I make significantly less, there must be someone who makes significantly more. And I know for a fact people make less than me, so someone must be making more than them. Which means, according to my crudly drawn graphs and cat-scratch calculations, some teacher out there is making six figures. SIX FIGURES. You've got to be kidding me. How do I make six figures while still putting in my time as a high school English teacher? I mean, what the actual fuck. That's a lot of money. 

And then I think about millionaires and billionaires and I wonder what the hell they do with all of there money. 

They probably play a lot of pub quizzes.

Like I Just Shipped Myself who won FIRST PLACE for the FIRST TIME. They were excited. Winston's Kakaw was not. They got beat by one point and ended up with second place. However, Winston did walk away with a pretty badass Colorado knit hat (knitted by Katrina of Three Lions Pub waitstaff)! Meanwhile, Bite My Shiny Metal... (ass?) fought there way to third place. Well done to all!

And to all those Mormon's out there, the song is called FUCK YOU.

Two teams enter. One team leaves

...

With twice as much money as they paid to play. That's right, I Went to Long Island and All I Got Was This Lousy Horsehead walked away with a total of FORTY DOLLARS. Hell yes. We may have had a small turnout, but goddammit, we had a fun time. We jammed out to the Godfather themed song and left our "Don't Stop Believin"'s unfinished. It was a quiz night fit for Goodfellas and dames alike. 

The wait staff was on their a-game, and Mike Rucki was scoring those quizzes like a motherfucker. (That dude scored a the last round before I could finish reading the first question of the next; I couldn't ask for a better scorekeeper. THANK'S MIKE. I WANNA BE LIKE MIKE!)

The Cannoloosi's, by the way, took second place for the evening. And this shouldn't go unmentioned. Because they put up a fight. In fact, after two rounds they were in a DEAD-LOCK-TIE. We informed them that if the competition were to end in a tie, the breaker would involve a locked bathroom, an ice pick, and a winner-takes-all. Forty dollars has never been so sought after. 

Seriously though. Y'all rock. 

DON'T STOP-

• The Royal Hilltop - Aurora 8:00 PM
• Darcy's Bistro & Pub - Denver 8:30 PM
• Prickly Pete's - Denver 8:00 PM
• The Whiskey Bar - Denver 7:00 PM
• The Cheeky Monk - Westminster 9:00 PM
• The Ram (Meridian) - Meridian 9:00 PM
• Lisa's Restaurant & Lounge - Augusta 7:30 PM
• Opal Divine's (Marina) - Austin 10:00 PM
• Opal Divine's (Penn Field) - Austin 10:00 PM