12408 North Mopac Expressway
Austin, TX 78758
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Before we get started, happy Fourth of July, everyone! I don’t know what America got you today, but I just got myself freedom from a communal jail cell that I would have to share with the homeless guy who pees on the bus and five guys whose sole aspiration was to get in a bar fight tonight.
How did I do it? Allow me to illustrate.
Step One: When pulled over, always tell the truth… not what really happened. For example, when the cops ask you how many drinks you’ve had you always tell the truth. And the truth is two. Now what really happened is I had seven beers. But don’t tell him that. That just makes more work for the patrolman, because then he has to take you to jail. What a waste of time that would be for both of us!
When he asks you when you had your last beer, you tell him the truth, which was 45 minutes ago. It was always 45 minutes ago. Even if it was 10 minutes ago, which it was.
Step Two: When a karaoke bar is offering free food for their July 4th celebration, you eat that shit. I don’t care if it tastes like pavement covered in hot ass, you gobble it down. Gotta have something to soak up the five beers you didn’t tell Poncharello about. It doesn’t matter if that chafing dish of burgers was out six hours before you got there and the Kraft singles were starting to turn brown like the autumn foliage. Bon appétit, mister or missus I’m not going to the pokey tonight. You enjoy that free meal… or should I say freedom meal!
Step Three: Constant vigilance in the face of adversity. When he shines the blue light of death in your face, you must always resist the temptation to follow the light with anything other than your eyes. Here are a few things that will allow you to do that. D.U.I., license revoked, lawyer/court fees, shame, anal rape, shameful anal rape. If those don’t give you enough reason to follow that blue light like a freaking laser, then have fun sharing a toilet with 12 dudes.
Oh yeah, and we had a quiz tonight!
Congrats to Jenny and her squad The Loraxis of Evil for pulling down their second win in as many weeks. And also big ups to newcomers We Can’t Hear Shit! (ed. Note: get there early for better seating… shit fills up mad quick at Weirdo’s!) for coming in second. And for the third week in a row, our bonus gift card was won by the former dingoes Indiana McFly and the Millennium Enterprise!
Stay sober today. If you choose not to, just follow the three easy steps to avoid unwanted butt advances!
See you next week!