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I’m glad you guys missed me while I was on “vacation.” I missed you too. Instead of regaling you with the stories of what I did in my absence, I’m going to tell you a tale....a tale of unicorns, love, sex, narwhals...and space.
It is common knowledge that unicorns were once the sluts of the animal kingdom. They fucked anything and everything they could get their hands on. They single-handedly created 1/7 of the horned species we have in our animal kingdom today. A unicorn once saw a pig looking all sexy rolling around in some mud and and just couldn’t help himself. He had to fuck that pig. Now, we have boars. Another time a unicorn saw a voluptuous hippo basking in the sun, staring at him with those come hither eyes, and he had to fuck that hippo. Now, we have rhinos...sexy rhinos. One time a guy named Tad was walking around minding his own business. Tad liked to look good for the ladies, so he had on his best puka shell necklace and aviator sunglasses. He had put on just enough Dark Temptation Axe Body Spray. A unicorn got a whiff of that and then caught a glimpse of Tad’s pink IZOD shirt and he had to have him...and he did.
After achieving major player status on land, the unicorn had enough with land animals. He was ready for a challenge. With no real swimming skills, the unicorn decided they were going venture to the sea. One day a unicorn was hanging out at a nude beach (where else would one hang out?) and he saw a fetching humpback whale floating around out in the ocean, just chilling in the cool ocean air. Well, the unicorn looked out and devised a plan to “bed” that humpback. Through a series of ropes, rafts, and underwater breathing apparatuses, that unicorn achieved his dream of dreams. It was a night of passion, the likes of which he had never experienced before. 9 months later, that whale gave birth to the most beautiful animal to ever grace the animal kingdom. The narwhal. People began worshipping the narwhal. People wrote songs for them, they painted murals for them, they even went through extensive procedures to look like them. The unicorn realized he could create nothing greater and decided that a vow of celibacy was the only answer. Slowly, the unicorns died away, but there was something magical about the narwhal, and he thrived.
Before the animal gods knew it, the narwhal population had quadrupled in size. They had to intervene. They banished the narwhal to the coldest places on the planet. They were banished to the arctic seas where they were forced to live in snow and ice and no one would see their magnificence. A few narwhals escaped and searched for freedom in the only place they knew it could be attained...space. Those narwhals live free day to day among the stars. Free to be as sexy and awesome as they want with no icy barriers to keep them down.
One of our local quizzers, Ashley from Freddie Mercury Rising, was brave enough to tell their tale. She has tattooed a narwhal in space on her body for all to see so she can share with them the story of the brave few that escaped the frigid icy temperatures of the Arctic to have freedom. A freedom some people can only dream of.