3015 South University Drive
Fort Worth, TX 76109
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Another great quiz last night. It looks like summer is coming to an end and you guys are all coming back to your favorite Fort Worth quiz. It warms my heart when there are no tables left at 7:25. I know it is a pain in the ass for you guys, but let’s keep in mind what is important...me. I’ve noticed lots of dates lately at the quizzes, which I think is great. What better way is there to weed out the bad? I mean, you find out how smart they are...you find out if they have a good sense of humor (because I’m hilarious!) and you find out if they can hold their booze. You know what isn’t a good date? A date to watch football at my house. You’re trapped...and there’s nothing to distract you from the idiocies of the other person.
Let me tell you a little story about a date I once had.
I met this guy, we’ll call him Matt (names have not been changed...he should not be protected from this). We had lunch on a Saturday and it was fun. We made plans to watch football together the following day (Matt was a semi pro football player, this has no bearing on the story, I just wanted to let you know that). I told him to come to my house around 11 because that is when pregame fun starts.
I am in my kitchen, making my breakfast and watching Meet the Press and I hear a knock on my door. It’s Matt...45 minutes early. I continue what I’m doing in the kitchen and invite him to sit on the sofa. At some point, I start grumbling about some crazy shit Michelle Bachmann has said and Matt asks the question. The question I avoid at all costs...”So, who do you want to be the next president?” I reply with a phrase I was taught by my 5th grade teacher when I would ask him if he was voting for Dukakis or Bush, “I plan on voting for the candidate that I think will do the job to the best of their abilities.” His response was possibly the most offensive thing that has ever been said in my house. “Well, I just hope it’s not that fucking n****r.” YEAH! HE SAID THAT!! I reply with what I can only hope conveys my disgust. “I don’t care how you feel about the president or any person for that matter, you’re using words that aren’t just unacceptable in my home, they are unacceptable in society. You need to find better words to use.”
He apologizes and we continue on. I’m going to fast forward through his ignorance about the electoral process and his confession that he likes Nickelback. Yeah, he didn’t just drop one N bomb in my house, he dropped 2. Both of them are equally offensive to me. I firmly believe the your ability to use either one shows a complete lack of brain cells. I’m going to fast forward to his use of the word n****r again. When I stop him in the middle of this story about his neighbor and he sees the disgust, he says this “Sorry, but there really is no other word to describe this guy.” I remind him that he used the same word earlier to describe an ivy league educated lawyer that is the president of the united states. I tell him again that he needs a better, less racist vocabulary.
It’s at this point in the “date” that I am plotting out my exit strategies. You guys might find it hard to believe, but I’m nonconfrontational...seriously! I don’t want to just outright kick him out so I hope that my passive aggressive behavior is picked up on and he chooses to leave on his own. I hope I haven’t lost you yet, because this is when the “date” gets good. I start to yawn and act tired and I’ve created a vast canyon of space between us on the couch. In my head these are all good ways to show that I’m not interested in him being near me anymore. He sees me yawn and says “You look tired...you can lay your head down on my lap if you want.” He says this with a look on his face like “hee hee...you get what I’m saying.” I reply with disgust and say “No thanks...I’m gonna stay in the upright position.” A few minutes later I get up to go to the bathroom. I come back out and sit on the couch. I look over at Matt and see that he has unzipped his pants and brought “Matt Junior” out to party. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?” His response? “You don’t have to put it in your mouth or anything but you could at least play with it a little bit.” I’m going to say that one more time in case you thought you misread it.
You don’t have to put it in your mouth or anything but you could at least play with it a little bit.
Those were the last words Matt said in my house. So, what’s the moral of the story, kids? Take your dates to the quiz. Always take your dates to the quiz.
The Sweet Ninjas got their shit together and came in first place. Nicely done kids! For those of you that were wondering, this is why we call Mariah Carey the human garage door opener. The more you know, the more you grow...and knowing is half the battle. I hope to see you all next week, and don’t forget, get there early for a table. We fill up quick!
Your blog question for next Tuesday is: What were Matt’s last words in my house?
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I do a little thing featuring quizmasters from around the country. It's called Meet Your Quizmaster. It’s a pretty good read if you’re stuck in the airport.