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The Rackhouse Pub
203 S Kalamath St
Denver, CO 80223
Thursdays: 8:00 PM
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1:07 PM, October 05, 2012
Scores
John Foxy Brown 72
Wheel of Fish 70
Interrupting Jim Lehrer 61
Hung Like Round #5 60
Unfantastic Four 58
That Aint Gravey 58
Balloon Knot 57
Dog Pants 55
Math is Magic 54
Master Debatin' 54
Romney-Big Bird Cage Match 54
Where the Hell is Neenah? 53
Morrison All-Stars 52
Ball & Chain 51
Flannel Sandwhich 51
Devin 41
I Was an Accident... 40
The Rocket Scientists 34
Bad Like the Rockies 31
It's Ryan's Birthday & He'll Cry If He Wants To 19
The Little Lebowski Urban Acheivers 13
This Is Your Brain. This Is Your Brain On Horse Cock
Tex from Pittsburgh


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Thursdays @ 8 p.m. at the Rackhouse 		Matthew "Tex" (Tex from Pittsburgh)

FUN FACTS ABOUT ME:

I am married to a lovely lady and live in West Denver with my two lovely cats, Lucy and Trousers. We don't have any kids yet and my wife says we can't name any kids Lucy on account of that's what the cat's name is. If I'd have known that I would have named the cat something else, you know? 

The name of the gang is my neighborhood is the "West Ninth Fuk Puppets," judging by the graffiti in my alley.

I collect Cthulhu statuettes, paisley ties, aloha shirts, animal skulls, briar pipes, expired passports off of eBay and smashed pennies. I used to collect pogs but then they stopped selling them.

I've never broken an arm or leg, and never had chicken pox. I am immune to bedbug bites and nearly immune to mosquito bites.

I've been in three fights in my adult life and won 1 1/2 of them.

I went to Spain for my honeymoon. I had diarrhea for seven of the 10 days of the trip.

I won the Phoenix Public Schools spelling bee for 3rd grade in 1990. I got 100 percent on all my spelling tests in 4th grade except for the word "masquerade," which I spelled right, but I got a half point taken off because my sloppy cursive made the "u" look like a "v". But to hell with that. I spelled it right, give me the full point, right?

I must have done other stuff besides that, but that's about all I can think of.

I'm always talking about that movie Zoo -- you know, the documentary about the horse-fucking ring in Washington state (specifically, a group of men who purchased stallions and then allowed the stallions to anally penetrate them) that got busted up after a guy got fucked to death by a horse. 

So why am I bringing this up yet again? Because in tonight's visual round you guys had to name which horse was a bay, which was palomino, etc. And you didn't do so hot. In fact, one might say that, figuratively speaking, the horse round fucked you guys to death. Of the 20 teams that turned in the visual round, there were three that got perfect scores. The other 17 teams averaged a stunningly low 1.9 points. 

Of the teams who aced the horse round, one of them had a cowboy and the other had a gal who has always just loved horses. I didn't ask the third team how they knew it. Probably they like to have sex with horses. Just like in that movie, Zoo.

Now, I'm not someone who just sits around all day thinking about horse cock. I may think about it every day, but not all day. Sometimes I think about other things -- like horses wearing gas masks training to fight in World War I. See this photo? Isn't that crazy looking?

And when I'm not thinking about horses wearing gas masks, I think about little schoolchildren skipping rope wearing gas masks. See? 

By the way, there's a silent film about training horses to wear gas masks, but I just looked at it again on Youtube and it kind of sucks, so I won't share it with you. But I will share this, a training film from World War II called "Kill or Be Killed," which teaches American soldiers how to murder Nazis. The main idea is that whenever you get the opportunity to gouge out someone's eye or kick them in the balls, you should do that.

I'd like to thank everyone for being so nice tonight. Last week we had so many noisy jerk people at the bar that it made me even more annoyed than I usually am. But tonight I felt a warm, happy affection for all the teams. I even thought the team of seven people were really good sports when I didn't let them use their joker.

We had some new faces in the top 3 tonight. John Foxy Brown, you should come back, even if your parents are in Longmont. Bring someone else's parents -- old people are more or less interchangeable. Wheel of Fish, you would've tied for first if you'd jokered Round 2. If you get 13 points in a round, man, just go for it. And though it was nice meeting Kelly, I liked it better when she was named Helen. And team Interrupting Jim Lehrer, you got third place and the crappy email bonus prize. Enter again next week, I'll dig up something cooler.

I almost forgot: Team Big Bird-Romney Cage Match, here is that book on how to be a grouch I was talking about. It changed my life. You should totally get it on Amazon.