I'm always talking about that movie Zoo -- you know, the documentary about the horse-fucking ring in Washington state (specifically, a group of men who purchased stallions and then allowed the stallions to anally penetrate them) that got busted up after a guy got fucked to death by a horse.
So why am I bringing this up yet again? Because in tonight's visual round you guys had to name which horse was a bay, which was palomino, etc. And you didn't do so hot. In fact, one might say that, figuratively speaking, the horse round fucked you guys to death. Of the 20 teams that turned in the visual round, there were three that got perfect scores. The other 17 teams averaged a stunningly low 1.9 points.
Of the teams who aced the horse round, one of them had a cowboy and the other had a gal who has always just loved horses. I didn't ask the third team how they knew it. Probably they like to have sex with horses. Just like in that movie, Zoo.
Now, I'm not someone who just sits around all day thinking about horse cock. I may think about it every day, but not all day. Sometimes I think about other things -- like horses wearing gas masks training to fight in World War I. See this photo
? Isn't that crazy looking?
And when I'm not thinking about horses wearing gas masks, I think about little schoolchildren skipping rope wearing gas masks. See?
By the way, there's a silent film about training horses to wear gas masks, but I just looked at it again on Youtube and it kind of sucks, so I won't share it with you. But I will share this, a training film from World War II called "Kill or Be Killed,
" which teaches American soldiers how to murder Nazis. The main idea is that whenever you get the opportunity to gouge out someone's eye or kick them in the balls, you should do that.
I'd like to thank everyone for being so nice tonight. Last week we had so many noisy jerk people at the bar that it made me even more annoyed than I usually am. But tonight I felt a warm, happy affection for all the teams. I even thought the team of seven people were really good sports when I didn't let them use their joker.
We had some new faces in the top 3 tonight. John Foxy Brown, you should come back, even if your parents are in Longmont. Bring someone else's parents -- old people are more or less interchangeable. Wheel of Fish, you would've tied for first if you'd jokered Round 2. If you get 13 points in a round, man, just go for it. And though it was nice meeting Kelly, I liked it better when she was named Helen. And team Interrupting Jim Lehrer, you got third place and the crappy email bonus prize. Enter again next week, I'll dig up something cooler.
I almost forgot: Team Big Bird-Romney Cage Match, here is that book on how to be a grouch I was talking about. It changed my life. You should totally get it on Amazon.