There was a round tonight on S-E-X. We quizmasters were issued two versions of this round: a nasty one for regular bars with regular nasty patrons, and a cleaner one for places more likely to have kids present.
I chose the nasty version because you're all a bunch of degenerate, syphilitic leches. Little did I know that we'd have a table full of preschoolers stay well past 10:00 p.m. tonight. So that means that, unless those kids had Cheetos jammed in their ears, they now know the following fun facts:
--Human males shoot jizz at 28 mph (the top speed of the "Flight of the Hippogriff" roller coaster at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter)
--And over his lifetime, the average man creates enough splooge to fill the gas tank of a 1993 Plymouth sedan. (On a related note, fucking a car's gas tank hole really cuts up your penis, and the residual gasoline really stings. My advice: Jack off into one of those red gas cans until it's full, then pour it into your car.)
--The world's biggest cock is longer than the cock-haver's forearm and thicker than his wrist.
And to think, when I was those kids' age, I was just learning that the correct term is "vagina," as opposed to "bajina."
By the way, I realize I mentioned Cheetos just a few sentences ago. I've been unable to get Cheetos off my mind ever since they started playing those new Cheetos radio commercials where Chester sounds like George Sanders. I'm a solidly heterosexual person, am not interested in having sex with cartoons and have always been faithful to my wife. However, I am completely infatuated with Chester Cheetah and find myself daydreaming about him constantly. What should I do? Probably submit this paragraph to Yahoo! questions.
One of our quizzers had a question for me tonight about our speed round music, "A Taste of Honey
" by Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass. He wanted to know what it was the theme song to. It's not the theme to anything I've seen, and according to Wikipedia, the only thing it is the theme to is some U.K. show none of us has seen. Herb Alpert just sounds like typical 1960s theme song music, even if it never actually was used in that capacity. But my investigation did lead me to discover that the Beatles recorded that song for their first album, "Please Please Me." Yes, just two songs before their immortal version of "Twist and Shout," those lovable Liverpudlians did their less-than-immortal version of "A Taste of Honey
And like that, he was gone.