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The Rackhouse Pub
203 S Kalamath St
Denver, CO 80223
Thursdays: 8:00 PM
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9:58 AM, July 06, 2012
Scores
Chocolate Humunculus 74
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Gary Big Wet Hairy Busey 63
I Can't Believe They're Re-making the Munsters, they better not screw it up 62
Pullman/Quaid 2012 62
Beaver Cleaver 61
Bonus Points For Sour Month 61
You Had Me at Meat Tornado 59
Bitchin' Catera 56
Better Late Than Pregnant 54
5 More Runs For Tacos 52
Eight Is The New Six 51
We Can Always Take a Taxi... 47
Coming Up Millhouse 41
What's It's Nuts 38
Team Cheaters 33
Kiranators!! 16
Gloryhole to Nowhere 11
You're Never Too Young Too Learn About Ejaculation
Tex from Pittsburgh


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Thursdays @ 8 p.m. at the Rackhouse 		Matthew "Tex" (Tex from Pittsburgh)

FUN FACTS ABOUT ME:

I am married to a lovely lady and live in West Denver with my two lovely cats, Lucy and Trousers. We don't have any kids yet and my wife says we can't name any kids Lucy on account of that's what the cat's name is. If I'd have known that I would have named the cat something else, you know? 

The name of the gang is my neighborhood is the "West Ninth Fuk Puppets," judging by the graffiti in my alley.

I collect Cthulhu statuettes, paisley ties, aloha shirts, animal skulls, briar pipes, expired passports off of eBay and smashed pennies. I used to collect pogs but then they stopped selling them.

I've never broken an arm or leg, and never had chicken pox. I am immune to bedbug bites and nearly immune to mosquito bites.

I've been in three fights in my adult life and won 1 1/2 of them.

I went to Spain for my honeymoon. I had diarrhea for seven of the 10 days of the trip.

I won the Phoenix Public Schools spelling bee for 3rd grade in 1990. I got 100 percent on all my spelling tests in 4th grade except for the word "masquerade," which I spelled right, but I got a half point taken off because my sloppy cursive made the "u" look like a "v". But to hell with that. I spelled it right, give me the full point, right?

I must have done other stuff besides that, but that's about all I can think of.

There was a round tonight on S-E-X.  We quizmasters were issued two versions of this round: a nasty one for regular bars with regular nasty patrons, and a cleaner one for places more likely to have kids present.

I chose the nasty version because you're all a bunch of degenerate, syphilitic leches. Little did I know that we'd have a table full of preschoolers stay well past 10:00 p.m. tonight. So that means that, unless those kids had Cheetos jammed in their ears, they now know the following fun facts:

--Human males shoot jizz at 28 mph (the top speed of the "Flight of the Hippogriff" roller coaster at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter)

--And over his lifetime, the average man creates enough splooge to fill the gas tank of a 1993 Plymouth sedan. (On a related note, fucking a car's gas tank hole really cuts up your penis, and the residual gasoline really stings. My advice: Jack off into one of those red gas cans until it's full, then pour it into your car.)

--The world's biggest cock is longer than the cock-haver's forearm and thicker than his wrist.

And to think, when I was those kids' age, I was just learning that the correct term is "vagina," as opposed to "bajina." 

By the way, I realize I mentioned Cheetos just a few sentences ago. I've been unable to get Cheetos off my mind ever since they started playing those new Cheetos radio commercials where Chester sounds like George Sanders. I'm a solidly heterosexual person, am not interested in having sex with cartoons and have always been faithful to my wife. However, I am completely infatuated with Chester Cheetah and find myself daydreaming about him constantly. What should I do? Probably submit this paragraph to Yahoo! questions.

One of our quizzers had a question for me tonight about our speed round music, "A Taste of Honey" by Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass. He wanted to know what it was the theme song to. It's not the theme to anything I've seen, and according to Wikipedia, the only thing it is the theme to is some U.K. show none of us has seen. Herb Alpert just sounds like typical 1960s theme song music, even if it never actually was used in that capacity. But my investigation did lead me to discover that the Beatles recorded that song for their first album, "Please Please Me." Yes, just two songs before their immortal version of "Twist and Shout," those lovable Liverpudlians did their less-than-immortal version of "A Taste of Honey."

And like that, he was gone.