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The Park Tavern & Restaurant
931 E 11th Ave
Denver, CO 80218
Wednesdays: 8:00 PM
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3:53 PM, June 21, 2012


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All I Want to do is... Finish Singing That Fucking Song

Quizma$ter$ of the Univer$e

Which is weird since it’s about some married chick getting purposefully knocked up by a stranger in sleazy motel because her husband is shooting blanks. So, you know, not really a situation in my frame of experience.

And hey, let’s talk about that song (Heart’s “All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You”) for a minute because there’s really a lot of pretty disturbing stuff in it if you think about it.

Ok, first of all, this chick (presumably married but we’ll get to that) is driving around in the rain and picks up some vagrant off the street. She says he doesn’t have an umbrella or coat, which would make me wonder if he sold those things for drug money. So anyway, she picks up this vagrant and possible intravenous drug user from the side of the street with the intention of taking him to a motel to have unprotected sex. And the motel in question? “It was a place I knew well,” she says. Why did she know it so well? Oh, probably just because this wasn’t the first time she’d done this sort of thing. See, she was out trolling the streets looking anonymous sex partners like she’d done several times before, that’s why she knew the motel so well (well that and the fact that it rhymed).

So we know now that this woman has been driving around at night, picking up strangers on the street, taking them back to a sleazy motel, and then letting them dump their seed inside her with the intent of getting pregnant. How many strangers has she allowed to ejaculate inside of her? There must have been several because even though she says that this guy “did everything right” and implies he gave her multiple orgasms, she still just dipped out the next day with naught but a note. You’d think that if dude was that good she’d maybe, I don’t know, stick with just the one guy for a while to try to get knocked up. And what if, like all the times before, she didn’t get pregnant this time? Then she would have had to go find yet another random stranger/possible drug user to inseminate her. Which brings me to my next issue…

This song came out in 1990. I’m pretty sure there was quite a bit of the ol’ AIDS going around back then, and considering this woman was trolling the streets for her anonymous, unprotected sex partners, I’d say the chances of her catching “the bug” were pretty damn high. And then, presumably, she’s continuing to have sex with the “other man” she’s “in love with.” So not only is she possible exposing herself to HIV, she’s also potentially exposing the man she “loves.” And holy fuck what about the child she’s trying to conceive. You know, the one that’s supposedly the reason for all of this high-risk, reckless behavior. Is she really that selfish that she would risk having her child born into that particular death sentence?

Jesus Fucking Christ has this woman never heard of an adoption agency? Were there no fertility clinics back in 1990? What was she telling her poor, cuckolded husband she was doing out all of those nights? How did she explain all the money she was spending at that motel? Did she ever get tested for STD’s? What was she gonna tell him when she got pregnant even though “he couldn’t give (her)” that? And even if she lied and told him it was his, they made it pretty clear that the kid had his real father’s eyes. She did all of these things to a man she “loves.” This broad would have just been way better off divorcing this guy and taking half his shit. Instead she cheated on him with multiple random sex partners, most likely gave him HIV, and is gonna make him raise another dude’s probably-HIV-infected kid until they all inevitably die from AIDS-related illness.

Jesus, Ann and Nancy Wilson, way to get fucking dark in your pop song. I think I need to go listen to Black Eyed Peas or something equally insipid to cleanse my brain of this tragedy. My Humps, indeed.

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