People be all like, whaaa, Megan Fox is going to ruin the Ninja Turtles movie, whaaa! Uh, shut up. Did you ever really give two shits about April O'Neil in the cartoon? No, you didn't. She was a reporter whose only purpose ever was to be in peril and look hot in a tight, yellow jumpsuit. I'm pretty sure Megan Fox can do both of those things perfectly fine for two hours in a Michael Bay movie.

And really? Megan Fox as April O'Neil is the thing that's getting your panties twisted about Michael Bay's Ninja Turtles movie? Every single other aspect of Michael Bay ruining yet another beloved property from your childhood isn't already maxing out your indignation potential? I would imagine the three-movie-long bowel movement that was Transformers would have prepared you sufficiently for the brutal forced sodomy that Bay is going to inflict on TMNT minus the "TM". (Yeah, they're going to be aliens or some shit.)

And let's face it, the TMNT cartoon kinda sucked when it was on. Not to mention that the cartoon made a mockery of Eastman and Laird's original, kinda serious Ninja Turtles comics. If you're feeling super-nostalgic about a cheap-ass cartoon that didn't go much deeper than cowabunga dude! and pizza! ... fuck it, I don't know what to tell you. (Actually I really don't know what I'm talking about. Even when I was a kid, I always thought the cartoon was bullshit and never really watched it.)

Ugh, I just wrote a few hundred words about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I hate myself so much right now.

***

Big thanks to Diamond Dallas Dave DeNov for backing me up on them scores last night. Also big up to QM Shadan for taking all the pictures and talking shop post-quiz. His team also beat both of our powerhouses, which is pretty a pretty sweet rare feat

I'm going to go repent for those first three paragraphs by making myself read Gravity's Rainbow by Pinchon. Nah, I'm just kidding. I'll probably just go masturbate to April O'Neil cartoon porn.

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I really did feel bad for the several people who thought the correct phrase was "all intensive purposes." Seriously, your educators failed you. It's not your fault. IT"S NOT YOUR FAULT.

Man, those First Ladies really take the "ILF" out of "FLILF," don't they? I guess it wouldn't be fair to be the most powerful man on the planet and have a good-lookin' broad for a wife. People would complain.

The movie Compliance gives new meaning to the term "cringe inducing." There's no way I'm gonna make it through in less than 5 viewings. Also, Dreama Walker.

I refereed to Bono as "Boner" last night. I really need to get some new material. My shit is getting hacky as fuck.

It's always Sunni in Philadelphia because Philadelphia has a sizable Sunni population based in the west part of the city.*

"Hey, hey, we're the Beatles/And people say we Beatle around!"

Between "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" and "You Don't Mess Around With Jim" I think Jim Croce had a weird thing about big, tough dudes who get what's coming to them. I'm not trying to get all psychoanalytical on the guy, but I'm sayin'... Side bar: who would win in a fight between Jim and Leroy?

I said Kevin Smith's name three times for R8Q8 and someone still wrote Jason Smith for the answer to who plays Silent Bob. I'm pretty sure you're just fucking with me now.

Have you ever wanted to go a big hippie music festival dressed as Waldo and hide behind some tents just so people on drugs can "find" you? Yeah, me neither.

*This fact has completely fabricated by the author.

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Man, what a colossal backfire the D.A.R.E. program is/was. From the never-unreliable Wikipedia:

"Researchers at Indiana University, commissioned by Indiana school officials in 1992, found that those who completed the D.A.R.E. program subsequently had significantly higher rates of hallucinogenic drug use than those not exposed to the program.^"

Oops.

I definitely remember being far more intrigued with the idea of LSD after hearing one of D.A.R.E.'s scare-shows in high school. Oh, acid makes you see crazy shit in fun colors? Sign me the fuck up. In fact, I recall being slightly disappointed in the actual effects of hallucinogens once I finally started taking them (not long after D.A.R.E. tried to scare me into not doing drugs). I felt like between D.A.R.E. and the hysterical and antiquated anti-drug books laying around in classrooms, I was promised something more. Don't get me wrong, I still loved drugs and my late teens and early twenties were filled with them. But goddamn D.A.R.E. had me believing that I would believe I could fly.

All this talk of hallucinogenics has got me a hankerin'. I'm gonna go find me some DMT and watch reality shatter. See you on the other side.

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