Because in the United States, we have dental care in lieu of the Commonwealth Games. I think we came out on the better end of that deal.

***

I always dig subbing at Rooster and Moon, but for some reason, I'm always really awkward for the first few rounds. I can't figure out why this is, considering that, besides my regular venues, R&M is where I host most often (which is to say, only a handful of times over the last couple years). And it's not like I'm a rookie or anything; I've probably hosted as many, if not more quizzes than anyone in the company. So yeah, I don't know why I'm all weird at the beginning, but by the first scoring break, I'm fucking fine. I think it's the booze that gets me right. Such is my life.

***

There are many and varied reasons why people of my generation are fucked in the head, not the least of which is Teddy Fucking Ruxpin. Who is the creeper they got to do his voice and what marketing genius decided to hire that guy? It's like they channeled every child molestation nightmare that had ever haunted a night's sleep and then super-concentrated it into the most terrifying "toy" ever mass produced. You know those things used to talk unprompted on the floors of dark bedrooms at 3AM, right? Weaving their tales into the abyss like an insane homeless person preaching the apocalypse to the trees. I may or may not be speaking from experience here. And people wonder why we drink and do drugs. It's because memories of shit like Teddy Ruxpin waking us up in the dead of night asking to be our friend refuse to die the silent death they deserve. Ugh, now I need a drink.

On that note, I'm gonna go try to repress memories terrifying nightmare bears using booze and narcotics. I can hear Teddy beckoning from the dark corners: "Can you and I be friends?" He'll not be denied.