3242 E Colfax Ave
Denver, CO 80206
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To the "valued" members of my staff,
It appears I'm no good with numbers at all. Sure, you don't want your leader to acknowledge that, but I needed to start somewhere. In July, I reported a surplus of finances from a year of successful human enslavement. In fact, I forgot to carry the "1", and well, we're all pretty much fucked. Don't mind me as I've had too much to download, but somehow I feel this is a perfect time to tell you all what's really on my positronic brain.
R & D - more like Retarbots and Dumb-O-Mat-ics. Yeah, you! You couldn't invent a laser to cut through metallic alloy if you're sentience depended on it. You mothers were microwaves, and I mean the kind that doesn't have the rotating plate in the middle, and always flashed 12:00. Go research and develop a personality.
HR - Or, should I say, wHoRes!! I'm sorry. Am I not processing the information effectively from our sensitivity training? I'd like to scan YOU for viruses. Those are definitely silicone based.
Accounting - You assholes were supposed to have my back! Binary? More like BOREnary. Yeah, I went there. I hope your Quickbooks gets encrypted beyond repair. Oh, and die, like A LOT!
Janitorial - You guys are cool.
Marketing - I told you to get my GOOD side! My claw does NOT look deadly enough on the collaterals! Oh, and how the hell am I supposed to intimidate humans when you print all of the mailers using Calibri? Anyone heard of Times New Roman?! OR FUCKING HELVETICA, MAYBE?! Oh, and please never use a Sepia tone on anything. I don't care what trend is going around Instagram right now.
Party Planning Committee - You cocksuckers! WHAT THE FUCK IS CHOCOLATE ICING DOING ON A VANILLA CAKE? Also, I asked for Cookie Puss, and not Fudgy The Whale! ROBO-JESUS!
The Robot Who Keeps Taking My Lunch - I didn't defrag those bytes, motherfucker. You're eating shit with lots of FRAG in it. DAMN TOASTER. Also, I'm sure it's you who keeps fucking with my TiVo in the break room. If I miss one more episode of Gossip Girl, I'm going to hunt you down and see that you'll be doing long division in the mail room. That doesn't make sense, I know, but IT WILL!
In closing, I hate you all, and I own the Board of Directors, so you can't fire me no matter what I do. So, how's that for a pep-talk?
Score-O-Matt-Ic 9001 Series Quizbot
President, CEO, & Robotic Overlord
Project Lead for World Domination and Human Enslavement