Old Chicago (Tejon)
118 N Tejon St
Colorado Springs, CO 80903
Thursdays: 8:00 PM
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Ah, the life of the D-list celebrity. Sure, you're "famous." Hell, you're easily famous enough to probably charm the pants off of a random cocktail waitress here and there, but you're not QUITE famous enough to be invited to the swanky hollywood parties where you'd have the chance to charm the pants off of a LEGITIMATE cocktail waitress, let alone a REAL celebrity. Bitch, please, that kind of shit is reserved for lists A through B, SOMETIMES C, but never D and below...And as if being on the D-list isn't bad enough, there's the F-list: The reality "stars" who aren't stars at all, but just shmos like you and me who happened to luck into a job or what-have-you that eventually got them featured on one of the rabble of cable networks clogging up the higher end of your DirecTV channel spectrum. This is the kind of situation that gives rise to those Pawn Stars fuckstick as "celebrities," or worse, that insipid Honey Boo Boo...creature...thing...Is that her name? Whatever the fuck that fat little monster is called these days. She, and the rest of the reality "star" F-list, ends up with a "famous for being famous" syndrome and, I guess that if you're famous within a niche or if you're legitimately famous in your small corner of the world, that's cool...But you probably shouldn't go around with the kind of swag reserved for legitimate stars. Granted, I'm all for confidence, but don't expect everyone to fawn over you when nobody knows who the fuck you are. I'm sure that fat fuck half-retard brother who builds custom bikes gets his share of free cinnamon twists at the Taco Bell around the corner but THAT kind of starpower don't mean jack shit outside of like...a 6-block radius. Why am I going on and on like this, you ask? Hell, I don't know...Isn't there something I'm supposed to be going on and on about instead?
OH, SHIT! QUIZ!
We had another of the super-rocking variety on Thursday night at Old Chicago, 15 big teams joined the frontal-lobe fracas in search of both the power AND the glory. Among the horde were some drunk fellas who ostensibly wandered into the bar to watch some football and ended up being pied pipered into playing quiz. The fact that they didn't finish dead fucking last is a triumph to inebriated douchecanoes everywhere. I kid, I kid, they weren't douchecanoes. Douche dinghies maybe...Douche kayaks? SOME manner of aquatic douche conveyance, surely...Anyhow, as per usual, we had quite the spirited competition for the top three slots and we had fun content including a speed round that the nerds who play Words with Friends ALL THE FUCKING TIME (hint: that describes me) had a distinct advantage on, a round four all about what's pickling your liver, a round six written by a 'tard (hint: that describes ME)...There are the positives, let's focus on a couple...well..Let's just say that some of the things that disappointed me a-tonight were as follows: Seven...Seven is a Brad Pitt movie. Yes, The Blah Blah Blah Benjamin Button is too, but I'm pretty sure he didn't solve crimes alongside Morgan Freeman at any time in THAT movie. Also, Carmen Miranda? REALLY!? You don't know CARMEN FUCKING MIRANDA? ALSO: Motley Crüe...Members of this iconic band DO NOT INCLUDE "Nicky Sticks" or Ritchie Sambora...Sigh. I weep for you all.
Anyhow, after this heavy dose of fun and anal haberdashery was complete, and once the quiz dust settled, we found ourselves with no tie. No danceoff. Just a straight 1-2-3 finish. Speaking of, in third place was We Don't Need No Stinking iPhone, a team who I may or may not have reprimanded heavily for using their iphone to illuminate a visual round some weeks back. In second: Count Chocula, Cereal Killer (remember, kids, monsters, especially vampires, are deadly. Ok, vampires who don't sparkle in the sunlight are deadly but you get my drift. If you encounter a monster, EVEN A CARTOON VAMPIRE coated in chocolate, resist the urge to befriend them. Count Chocula is a bad mo'fucka', it says so on his wallet, Frankenberry ill kill you as soon as look at you and that...mummy...thing...Man, he'll put a sweetened corn and rice curse on yo' ass that will KILL YOU. DEAD. You don't want to be dead, do you? DO YOU!? Of course you don't, fool!
Wait, where was I? OH YEAH, final standings) AND in FIRST PLACE was the über powerhouse that is Firebreathing Seahorse. Way to go, kids!
As always, big thanks to everyone who came out to show off their big brain, it's a joy to have you kids at quiz because (duh) without YOU, there is no quiz...And I like that whole "quiz" thing so HEY, keep coming back and I'll still ask questions and abuse people verbally. Sound like a plan? Good. We'll see you next Thursday then...Ruv you all.