Come and knock on our door. Take a step that is new.

It was a really tough quiz tonight. Teams were openly sweating. Young ladies wept. Grown men fell to their knees in despair. Decorated police officers turned in their badges in disgust. The weak-willed were driven mad and ran howling into the dark streets of Denver. It was brutal.

Here are the take-away lessons from tonight's quiz:

Geometry sucks.
Ringo sucks.
Human beings are not very good at pattern recognition.

But hey, what the hell. The beer was cold, the music was pulsing, and the Quiz-Master was a handsome professional that made us all feel safe and happy. And he mysteriously stirred something deep within our loins. So, all-in-all, a great night. Really, when you think about it, any night that you go out to a bar and don't hear any Santana or Aerosmith, is a good night.

Here are a few o the teams that played, but did not win.

Draculazillasaurus

Don't touch me there, you are not my Priest.

Our INTERNET BONUS PRIZE tonight went to Taylor. He took home a ceramic smoking monkey. It is what every home needs. Jesus fucking Christ, I wish I had one. My house is totally ceramic smoking monkey free, and it seems so lonely and hollow every time I walk through the stupid door.

Enjoy your monkey.

Okay, Let's meet our WINNERS:

IN THIRD PLACE:

SHUT UP!

IN SECOND PLACE

THINGS I NEVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT MY MOTHER

AND IN FIRST PLACE!!!:

EQUALATERAL TRIANGLES JUST AREN'T RIGHT

OK. That is the quiz for another week. Thanks for coming out. I hope I will see all of your smiling mugs again next week. So long, suckers.

HERE ARE THE SCORES:

EQUALATERAL TRIANGLES JUST AREN'T RIGHT                   70
THINGS I NEVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT MY MOTHER             58
SHUT UP!                                                  56
DRACULAZILLASAURUS                                        49
FOUR JERKS AND A SQUIRT                                   47
HELL'S KITCHENETTE                                        44
PUMP AND MUNCH                                            39
AMBER'S ARMY                                              33
DON'T TOUCH ME THERE, YOU'RE NOT MY PRIEST                30
SKANKS                                                    29
DOUBLE IT                                                 22
ASIAN REDHEADS                                            20

Quality Signage

I made my triumphant return to the Rover tonight. I sadly had to take last week off because my beloved dog had to be laid to rest and I was home with a case of "can't stop crying" disorder. But now I am back, rested, and once more in control of my emotions. There were no tears tonight. Only happy laughter, and terrified screams.

Here is a short list of films that were NOT DIRECTED BY STEVEN SPIELBERG despite what you may believe:

Gremlins
Batteries Not Included
Back to the Future
Cocoon
Jaws 2
Forrest Gump
Back to the Future II
Jaws 3D
Gremlins II: The New Batch
The Goonies
Poltergeist
Back to the Future III

Many teams, almost all teams, believed that at least one or two of those are Spielberg flicks. Nope.

Our internet bonus prize went to Kia. She took home a set of Sticky Eyeballs, and a copy of the new CD by the supercool rock and roll band The Riverdales.

Kia, enjoy your eyeballs.

Here are a couple of teams that did not win.

Jackie Treehorn Productions

Taft was Awesome

Patio Players

Captain Cabinet, trapped in Cabinets

HERE ARE OUR WINNING TEAMS:

IN THIRD PLACE: FUCKING PACHECOS

IN SECOND PLACE: WHERE'S JACKIE CHAN, I THOUGHT RUSH HOUR WAS HIS SPECIALITY

OUR FIRST PLACE WINNERS: COUGAR BAIT

Oh, what a night. Thank you all for coming out, getting a few beers and playing the crazy quiz with me. Let's go to the scoreboard.

THE SCORES:

COUGAR BAIT                                76
WHERE'S JACKIE CHAN?                       70
FUCKING PACHECOS                           68
TEAM AWESOME                               66
NUT UP OR SHUT UP                          65
CAPTAIN CABINET, TRAPPED IN CABINETS       59
TAFT WAS AWESOME                           58
PATIO PLAYERS                              57
GRENADE TURTLES                            54
BUBBLIN' BRUDE                             49
DREADLOCK GUY ON BROADWAY                  49
JACKIE TREEHORN PRODUCTIONS                46
TEAM PTERODACTYL                           40
BLACK PEPPER AND GUNPOWDER                 25
PANTY RAID                                 15

C’mon over to the Rover.

Last night’s quiz had the best theme for Round 7 I’ve yet seen: pirate movies. Sure, we had to endure a couple of clips from the highly overrated Pirates of the Caribbean movies (they should have axed about 45 minutes from the first movie and called it quits) and I’ve only heard of Pirates of Penzance by reputation (a pirate musical? Sounds like a crapfest to me), but it also included some great flicks.

Peter Pan is a classic movie for the kids. Muppet Treasure Island? There’s a special place in Hell for people who don’t like the Muppets (ironically, it’s next to the pedophiles). And I know a lot of people dog Hook, but I always thought that was bad form — it’s not great, but it’s definitely worth watching every now and then.

But there are two truly exceptional movies represented in the round. If you don’t love The Princess Bride (it’s inconceivable!) then you clearly have no soul, and surely feed upon the old and infirm to sustain your bleak, worthless existence. If the adventures of Westley, Buttercup, Inigo, and Fezzik do nothing to quicken your pulse, then I hope you’re fed to the Shrieking Eels, or thrown into the Pit of Despair and kept from the restorative ministrations of Miracle Max.

And then there’s The Goonies, one of the greatest adventure movies of all time. How can one dislike the last-ditch attempt by Mikey, Data, Mouth, and Chunk (with a helping of Brand, Andy, Stef, and Sloth) to save the Goon Docks? Is it possible not to love their discovery of One-Eyed Willie’s booty-trapped tunnels, and subsequent narrow escape from the creepy Fratellis? Don’t we all want a pair of Slick Shoes to call our very own? And wouldn’t we all do the Truffle Shuffle naked in the mall to go down that waterslide leading to the pirate ship’s resting place? To suggest that this movie is more amazing than the time Michael Jackson came over to my house to use the bathroom would be a gross understatement. If nothing else, The Goonies has left us all with some sage advice: “The marijuana goes in the top drawer. The cocaine and speed in the second. The heroin in the bottom. Always separate the drugs.”

Words to live by.

Unofficial Awards Time!
Team Name of the Week goes to Hillary Clinton’s Dental Dam. Not only is the name hilarious, it’s also über-creepy. I had nightmares last night involving pasty-white flesh, thunderous thighs, and prize-winning cankles. I’m still recovering. *shudder*
The Didn’t Knock On Wood Award is shared by Why is every round about music?, Salmon Pancakes, and Triangular Tubas. You guys were the only teams to know that the Mighty Mighty Bosstones song in Round 2 was called “The Impression That I Get,” not “Knock On Wood.”
The Anagram Ragman-a Award goes to Why is every round about music?, the only team to get a perfect score on the anagram round. Well done.
The Got Head? Award goes to Chernobyl Swim Team, the only team to correctly identify the Head Automatica album cover on the visual round.
The Who the Fuck?! Award goes to 12 out of the 13 teams for knowing who Edith Piaf is. Really? Who the fuck is Edith Piaf?! Did I miss a memo or something?
The Trunk Full of Booty Award is shared by the Triangular Tubas and Obscure 80’s Band, the only two teams to get perfect scores on Round 7, the pirate movie audio clips.
The Answer of the Week, Part 1 goes to the Christ Punchers. When asked what the new drug “ella” prevents, they said “elongated labias.” I’m not sure why you’d want to get rid of them, though; surely they come in handy when swimming. You know, like little tailfins.
The Answer of the Week, Part 2 goes to Awesome! When faced with an audio clip from The Pirates of Penzance that they couldn’t identify, they went with The Butt Pirates. If this was horseshoes I would have given you the point.

There were a lot of teams! I think I labeled you all correctly.

13th Place: Awesome!
Unfortunately, their score didn’t live up to their name. But as long as you had fun…

12th Place: Courtney has a big weiner
Sounds like we have something in common, Courtney!

11th Place: Christ Punchers
I’m no Christian, but I imagine Jesus would have something to say about your team name, guys.

10th Place: Table Claim
They got to the Rover early to insure their claim on one of the coveted tables. Mission accomplished.

9th Place: I shaved my balls for this?
TMI, guys. TMI.

7th Place: Triangular Tubas
Hey guy in the red shirt: try to tone it down next time. Your enthusiasm almost broke my camera. Is that Blue Steel?

4th Place: Hillary Clinton’s Dental Dam
Thanks for the memories, guys. And the PTSD.

4th Place: Chernobyl Swim Team
They dropped out of the top 3 after a rough Round 8, but hey, at least they’ve got still got their looks.

3rd Place: Titicaca Ain’t Just Tits & Shit
Hopefully it’s moist towelettes, too, ‘cause those are two things that shouldn’t go together. Unless you’re a dirty coprophile.

2nd Place: Blagojevich: Guilty of Being FAAABULOUS!
I’m pretty sure he’s guilty of being a douchebag, too.

1st Place: Why is every round about music?
That’s Snapple, a fellow quizmaster, on the right. Go to her quiz at Big Game (Tuesdays at 7:30!) and keep her company.

Final Scores:

Why is every round about music?              80
Blagojevich: Guilty of Being FAAABULOUS!     70
Titicaca Ain’t Just Tits & Shit              64
Chernobyl Swim Team                          63
Salmon Pancakes                              63
Hillary Clinton’s Dental Dam                 63
Triangular Tubas                             60
Obscure 80’s Band                            57
I shaved my balls for this?                  48
Table Claim                                  44
Christ Punchers                              43
Courtney has a big weiner                    35
Awesome!                                     35

Win or Lose, I always put a picture of Beth in the Blog. She is just that fantastic.

It was hard cheese tonight. The Quiz proved to be a tough, unforgiving mother-fucker that took no prisoners. You either had your shit on point or you were out of the running. A few teams tried to use numbers to their advantage, but to no avail. One team had Eleven members, another had Seven, but they all got ratted out by other players and lost the opportunity to joker a round. Sorry kids, cheaters never prosper.

There was a bit of controversy over several questions. A team called STEVEN SLATER JUMPS OUT OF A PLANE AND HE IS A HERO BUT I TAKE A GUN TO MY OFFICE AND SHOOT A BUNCH OF PEOPLE AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I AM SOME KIND OF BAD GUY were upset that we referred to Jonathan Swift as an English Satirist, when he was apparently born in Dublin, Ireland. Further research confirmed that he was born at Number Seven Hoey Court, in Dublin and attended Trinty College. So I gratiously conceeded and gave them a point. They still lost, and lost big, but it's a pride thing. I dig.

My night was made much easier when my buddy Mr. Haney Von Hooten, a Geeks Who Drink super-player and a true old-school ghetto-vet, stopped by the quiz and offered his help grading rounds. I was very thankful and offered to buy him a drink but alas, he is off the booze for awhile, until his busted clavical heals. Thanks anyhoo, Buddy. You are awesome.

The internet bonus prize was taken home by the one and only Ramey. I hope that she enjoys her collection of sticky toy eyeballs. Who wouldn't? Rock on, Ramey.

LET'S MEET THE WINNERS:

IN THIRD PLACE:

THE FUNERAL IS A SERIES OF TUBES

IN SECOND PLACE:

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE READING ROOM

AND IN FIRST PLACE:

REVERSE COWGIRL CURTIS

The teams were great, the enthusiasm was great, the Rover staff was great, The booze was great, and, it goes without saying, I was in top form. I can hardly wait to do it again. Until then, true-believers, here are

THE SCORES:

REVERSE COWGIRL CURTIS                           61                              
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE READING ROOM                   60
THE TED STEVENS PLANE TO NOWHERE                 59
STEVEN SLATER JUMPS OFF A PLANE......            56
NUT UP                                           55
BACK TO SCHOOL SUCKS                             55
"HOT LUNCH" ALLSTARS                             54
SHUT UP                                          51
BLUE STEEL                                       49
STOLEN TABLE                                     48
THAT'T NOT A KNIFE...NOW THAT IS A KNIFE.        48
BALLROOM MAFIA                                   36
DADDY'S HOME                                     35
MY COUCH PULLS OUT BUT I DON'T                   29       

>

The Great Shane McGowen
We showed you a picture of this man's mouth and asked you to identify it. Some of you guessed "Bat-Boy". Some said "Nosferatu". Very few of you got it right, even with a giant framed portrait of the man hanging over the bar. Get your head in the Game, people!

To be fair, there was a lot of shit going on. There was a birthday party, some hangers-on from the afternoon, and a huge group of solidly-build lesbians celebrating something. It was bound to be a bit noisy. But man! Fer Crissakes! It was loud at the Rover. I did repeats, three-peats, I called in a sign-language interpreter. I resorted to using Navy semifore flags. It was LOUD. The crowd at the Rover tonight was getting their chat on. I just kept bumping up the volume and laying the Quiz down on them like a blanket of vengeance.

I totally forgot to bring along an internet bonus prize so when I drew Adam's name, I was forced to improvise. What did Adam get? FOUR DOLLARS OF AMERICAN CASH!

$$$

I enjoyed Round Six which was all about Famous Monsters of Filmdom. Freddy Krueger, Chuckie, Frankenstien, and the Phantom of the Opera all appeared in one round. I have always thought the Pub Quiz needs more Monsters.

Lets take a moment to Meet The Winners:

IN THIRD PLACE:

SANITY IS NOT OUR STRONG SUIT
IN SECOND PLACE:

THEY TIED PROP 8 TO A FENCEPOST AND LEFT IT THERE ALL NIGHT
AND OUR FIRST PLACE WINNERS:

NUT UP OR SHUT UP

Here is my favorite of the teams that did not win.

Well, that will just about do it for another week. I will see you all next Wednesday for another action-packed, and hopefully somewhat quieter, Pup Quiz. Excelcior!

SCORES!!!

NUT UP OR SHUT UP                                              71
THEY TIED PROP 8 TO A FENCEPOST AND LEFT IT THERE ALL NIGHT    66
SANITY IS NOT OUR STRONG SUIT                                  64
KRAKEN WEEK, FOR THE WIN                                       58
AVODA KEDODVA PROP 8                                           56
CHAV-TASTIC                                                    55
HORSERIDE TO HAPPINESS                                         49
SPARKLY BITCH AND THE FAKE VAMPIRES                            46
I ALREADY HIT THAT                                             43
MAGIC LAND                                                     41
I TOUCH MYSELF                                                 38
CUNT-FLAVORED LOLLIPOPS                                        28

We gathered together at the Rover last night and an anti-Lady Gaga attitude hung heavy in the air. It seems that GaGa was playing a concert in town last night and several players from several teams elected to watch her perverse costumed bufoonery instead of attending the Quiz.

I personally have no problem with GaGa. She is amusing enough, and the rumors that she is a tranny certainly make her more interesting than Ke$ha or whoever else you kids listen to on the wireless radio set these days. When I got home from the quiz my friend Jenny dropped by and brought me an enormous box of groceries. All kinds of fruits, vegetables, cheeses, chips, hummos. It was awesome. Where did it come from? It was all leftover catering from the Lady GaGa show. Jenny spent the day working for GaGa and brought home tons of goodies. So how can I be mad at that freak?

Our internet bonus prize this week went to Nathan. It was a figurine of Saint Homobonus, the patron saint of businessmen. Nathan is out of work at present, but once he is back in business, I am sure it will be useful.

By the way, I am not sure if I have mentioned this yet. MANGERS HARD CIDER with a scoop of Ice, is the best Summer Drink Ever!

LET'S MEET OUR WINNERS!

IN THIRD PLACE:

BAK TAK
This is the first time they have played and they did great. They are also super-cute, which never hurts.
IN SECOND PLACE:

I BLAME LADY GAGA FOR MY MISSING TEAMMATES
Left to fend for himself. Nice work.
AND OUR FIRST PLACE WINNERS:

FUCK CITY
Awesome job, awesome name.

It was a great quiz, a fun night, and almost no one got killed. I can't wait to do it again next week. So long, true-believers.

HERE ARE THE SCORES:

FUCK CITY                                           81
I BLAME LADY GAGA FOR MY MISSING TEAMMATES          66
BAK TAK                                             65
JAMAICAN MY COOZIE LOOSE                            64
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE READING ROOM                      56
SOOTY SWEEP AND SUR                                 52
BORIS AND NATASHA                                   46
SHOOTIN' BLANKS STILL MAKES NOISE                   45

Oh Yuck.

After spending last week being relentlessly pursued by grizzly bears in Yellowstone National Park, I returned to the dim interior of the Irish Rover and received a warm and loving welcome. Well, not really, but people did seem somewhat glad to see me, in a non-verbal, familiar shrug-of-the-shoulders kind of way.

Can we please be done with the World Cup yet?

We quickly got things started with a round involving X-Ray Spex, The KKK, and, double-A batteries. Not all in the same question, thank goodness. That would be a party I would strive to avoid.

Other things to avoid:

Fainting while taking a pee.

Drinking amniotic fluid.

Questions about sports.

Mel Gibson.

Teams tonight fell into two camps: People who know nothing about Pee Wee Herman and teams who know everything about Pee Wee Herman.
LET'S MEET THE WINNERS:

IN THIRD PLACE

INTEROCULAR DISTANCE

IN SECOND PLACE

THE DYING DEAD

AND OUR FIRST PLACE WINNERS

THE PICADILLY CIRCUS

Here is Katie, our Bonus question winner. She got a bacon-scented car freshner. She is a vegetarian and she has no car, so this prize is perfect for her.

Oh, by the way music fans, the Underground Music Showcase starts this week on Broadway. Check out some bands, it will be awesome.

HERE ARE THE SCORES:

THE PICADILLY CIRCUS                            69
THE DYING DEAD                                  67
INTEROCULAR DISTANCE                            66
THE HELVETICA SCENARIO                          65
MR. TOADS WILD MOUSTACHE RIDE                   65
FRANK THE TANK                                  64
GLITTER: THE HERPES OF ARTS AND CRAFTS          62
BANGKOK...I DON'T GET IT                        62
I CHECKED INTO YOUR MOM ON FOUR-SQUARE          52
THESE GUYS                                      49
DO I LOOK LIKE A SLUT?                          45
DOUBLE RAINBOW ALL THE WAY                      34
A QUIZ THEY DIDN'T COMMIT                       33
SHOWED UP LATE TO THE PARTY                     29
CAK N BALL                                      15

Would you let this girl give you caffeinated "performance-enhancing" beef jerky? Because I totally did.

Did anyone else know that this Boner Jerky existed? I had no idea until last night. I know what you're thinking, "does it work?" Well, if you're asking me if I got a jerky boner, the answer is yes, I did. But I think it probably had more to do with the spokesperson than the actual Boner Jerky itself. But I digress.

Ice Creampie Social

So I subbed for Kent over at the Rover, pre-Boner Jerky (from now on, all time will be measured in their relation to my discovery of Boner Jerky.) and, man, do you guys always have to deal with so many loud, drunk idiots? Cuz, uh, that was kinda distracting. Also distracting? Having a giant window behind me opened onto South Broadway. Rover is hardcore, yo.

Bastille Wool Merkin

Speaking of hardcore, yo, how fucking gangster is Aron Ralston? Dude sawed his own fucking arm off with his leatherman. His generic leatherman at that. He then hiked the fuck home. That's about as gangster as ... well ... Nope, that's as gangster as it gets.

Voters Won't Care if We Stole the Answers

Is it just me or is there something really incongruous about New Jersey having the wealthiest zip code in the country. That's like building a mansion in the middle of a landfill. Wait, there's no "like' about it, that's exactly what that is.

3 Englishmen Walk Into an Irish Bar ...

Postal Cervix and Dead Crabs for Coochie are both terrible bands and Ben Glibbard is a smug asshole. Also, he's married to Zooey Deschanel, so I hate him for that, too.

Nut Up or Shut Up

Avee Cobra

Mario Van Peebles

We Don't Love Mel Gibson, But Christ Does

Thanks Rovers and Roverettes. Let's do it again some time.

Ice Creampie Social                                    81
Bastille Wool Merkin                                   71
Voters Won't Care if We Stole the Answers              70
3 Englishmen Walk Into an Irish Bar …                  69
Mario Van Peebles                                      61
Nut Up or Shut Up                                      60
Avee Cobra                                             49
We Don't Love Mel Gibson, But Christ Does              47
Pot Bellied Kids                                       47
McChurchill's Papers                                   46
Velveeta and Franzia                                   40
Double It                                              38
Chacon Bros.                                           27

Cider with ice. That is my new Summer jam.

There was action and excitement down at the Irish Rover tonight. A crap-load of teams turned out and fought mightily for a taste of Pub Quiz glory. There was also a drunk dude at the bar right in front of me who asked me to repeat every single question I read all night long. Every question, no matter how simple or plainly worded, he needed to hear it again. Oh, and we also had a Nazi somewhere in the building. I never saw him but when I was reading a question about the Third Reich he started screaming "Zeig Heil" at the top of his lungs, over and over. Classy.

Speaking of Nazis and hate crimes and stuff, am I the only one who caught the subtle televised racism during the World Cup game between Nigeria and Germany? Take a look at this score and try to think of a better way to display the info:

At least tell me someone got fired. Sheesh.

What did I learn at tonight's Quiz? Let me count the pearls of wisdom that floated my way...

Firstly, I learned that the late great Senator Robert Byrd might have been murdered by outraged music lovers.

I learned that according to Crayola, Beaver is a color.

I learned that every time I am forced to spend the night on someone's lumpy, awful Futon, I should blame the Japanese.

And finally, I learned to never let any of you make me a Mudslide. You have no clue what you are doing.

Our internet Bonus prize was won tonight by Mr. Adam Steinman, who semed pleased to take home some Masturbation Prevention chewing gum.

Adam is very good at having his name drawn from a jar.

Ok, so lets take a peek at tonight's WINNERS:

IN THIRD PLACE:

ORACULAR OCTOPI

IN SECOND PLACE:

THE HELVETICA SCENARIO

AND OUR FIRST PLACE WINNERS:

LYNDSAY LOHAN - ONE CLASSY BROAD!

Well, there is another week in the can. We came, we quizzed, and we learned a lot about life, and a little about love. I hope you have a great, sunny, and Nazi-free week until I see you all again. But before I go, here is a recap of tonight's SCORES:

LYNDSAY LOHAN - ONE CLASSY BROAD                       81
THE HELVETICA SCENARIO                                 73
ORACULLAR OCTOPI                                       70
HUMOROUS NEWS PUN                                      67
TIRED GAY SUCCUMBS TO DIX                              64
I HATE ALEXI LALAS                                     63
STEEL HYMEN                                            62
AMBER'S ARMY                                           62
BACKSEATS OF SUBARUS                                   56
SMELLS LIKE CHICKEN WINGS                              53
THE SONS OF CHICO DUSTY                                51
YOU JUST GOT DONKEY PUNCHED!                           47
BULLETPROOF                                            42
THE CLOVERS                                            38
NURSING BEERS                                          37