So I knew it would go down like this. On the final quiz at Patrick Carroll's we had more teams than we'd had in fucking months. Where were all you guys when we had like 5 teams a week for like a month straight? Shit, we might have been able to save this thing. Fuck it, it's all good.

I had a great fucking time being your most humble QM for the last nine months or so, and I hope everybody else enjoyed the ride as much as I did. I think I got sufficiently mushy on the mic so I'll try to skip it too much here, but know that you guys were the best bunch a quizzers a guy could ever hope for. I mean it. Be good to yourselves and come peep a brother at the Whiskey Bar Saturdays at 7.

Word.

Check out Eric from Winning Like Ahmidinijad trying to get fancy and getting DQ'd during the chug-off for 2nd. This shit made me laugh like a motherfucker. (Thanks to Maura for taking and sending this video.)

*Edit* I can't get this bullshit to embed properly so you'll just have to take my word on the hilarity until I can figure it out.

Ensign Cameltoe

Sparkle Motion

Winning Like Ahmidinijad

The Infamous Lawn Wranglers

Dirty Sanchi

Myrtle is a Lady's Name

Ensign Cameltoe                             70
Sparkle Motion                              68
Winning Like Ahmidinijad                    68
Team Not Not Licking Toads                  67
RUBS!                                       67
Lawn Wranglers                              65
The Scurvy Poets                            59
Dirty Sanchi                                58
Bristol and A-Rod's Love Child              57
Myrtle is a Lady's Name                     54 
PBR Elite                                   50
The Two Tenors                              47
Team Name                                   30
Midnight Cowboys                            27
Kaleenamandanate             

It's like being Rick-rolled but to an old-timey ragtime sound that would get your granny's panties all dewy. I guess it's a good thing that your granny wasn't at the quiz last night, that could have gotten...awkward.

It was suggested last night that Burt Reynolds should star in a movie playing his own mustache. I can't think of a better concept/casting choice than that. It would obviously have to be written by Charlie Kaufman, and maybe titled Being Burt's Crumb Catcher. Get on this, Kaufman!

there's no basement in the alamo!           73
west side!                                  62
lawn wranglers                              61
hot sundae                                  58
the nightengales                            55
the two tenors                              45
shut your pie holes                         45
mophow                                       4

I would really like a dog-fur parka. Can anybody help me out with this? Preferably a nice white poodle puppy, as I think they're the softest. Or, shit, even better would be kitten. Little mewing kitties are as soft as the French Military and would make the perfect addition to a winter parks. And I'm not greedy or anything, I don't require an entire full-length kitten-coat. Just some kitten trim around the hood and the sleeves, and maybe some baby-skin lining while I'm at it. There is a certain global overpopulation problem after all, and we could be killing two birds - or kittens and babies and puppies, rather - with one stone. We could wipe out both hunger and prohibitively expensive high fashion within a generation if we could start harvesting unwanted children and pets for use in clothing manufacturing. Hell there could even be an entire cottage industry around turning your own unwanted child into specific high fashion items. Imagine, ladies, you carry-to-term a child you know you can't afford to take care of for the rest of your life, give it to a highly skilled seamstress who will proceed to make a lovely pink handbag or hat from the softest substance know to man. And if it's twins, you get some nice slippers or boots with the faces of your little angels forever staring up at you, smiling they're angelic smiles, and never costing you another penny. Excuse me while I go and draw up a modest business model to propose to the fashion industry.

It's Fuck Time For You, Bitch!

Alpha Kenny Buddy

Proud GM Shareholders

Turd Furgusun's

Virgins Who Drink

Circles

Cameltoe Dog Leg Left

It's Fuck Time For You, Bitch             68
Alpha Kenny Buddy                         67
Proud GM Shareholders                     66
Turd Fergusun's                           58
Virgins Who Drink                         53
Circles                                   51
The Taints                                49
Camel Toe Dog Leg Left                    47
Triangular Circle                         20
Monkers Monkers!                          11

Since I don't really have too much to write about from the quiz proper I figured I would do a public service announcement instead. People are constantly coming up to me and asking, "QotU, how do I know if a dolphin wants to have sex with me?" and "Where can I find a dolphin to mate with?" and "What diseases can I get from dolphins? Can I give them any?".
Well, now here's your answer. (Warning. Do not click this link if you do not have a sense of humor or if the idea of human-dolphin relations offends you.)

The more you know...

Coke-blocked                      57
Kiwi Bound                        55
My Rabbi is a Warlock             55
You Better Belize It!             50
The Two Tenors                    44
JimKate                           35

Oh, wait, did I say tranny hookers wouldn't keep me from something. That should have read "tranny hookers will absolutely keep me from accomplishing anything of import". The joke here being that I have a bit of a problem with transvestite prostitutes. And crack. Usually it's both at the same time, which is to say all the time. I'm actually smoking a crack pipe as I write this, lying next to "Coco", whose 5 o'clock shadow is beginning to irritate my shoulder where it is nuzzled. Don't worry, I don't ever actually, you know, do anything with said tranny hookers. I just pay them to talk and to listen. It's cheaper than actual therapy, and their advice, I've found, is usually quite a bit better than a shrink's.

Oh, gotta go. "Coco" awakes.

Fuck is Not An Answer

Alpha Kenny Buddy

Goonies

The Two Tenors

Keepzemfromfloppin

Fuck is Not An Answer                   64
Alpha Kenny Buddy                       63
Goonies                                 34
The Two Tenors                          27
Keepzemfromfloppin                      18

Yar! Yarg!

RUBS!

So I lost my whole blog that I was writing when my computer shut down on me so I'm going to have to abbreviate this quite a bit. Not too many of you last night, in fact it was the slowest night on Tennyson since I started this gig. Apparently you guys don't want free booze and Rockies tickets. So in light of the low team counts last night we've bumped back the start date to win said Rockies tickets back a week. So starting next week, we'll be have a running tally of points with the team with the most points at the end of the month getting a pair of tickets. Word

New team in the house last night, Alpha Kenny Body's name needs to be said out loud for full impact. It's funny cause it's true.

Get Down Syndrome

Lady and the Tramp

I look really tall in this picture.

Yar! Yarg!                   71
RUBS!                        67
Alpha Kenny Body             66
Get Down Syndrome            53
Lady and the Tramp           48

So, for all the haters out there who think that GWD is biased against women, I present to you last night's quiz at Patrick Carroll's. Not only were the top two spots taken by all-female teams (although, between the two teams there may have been one lonely dude, I'm not sure), those teams were part of a crochet/knitting/embroidery club of some kind. Not only that, but the winning team, Yarn Divas, beat the 3rd place team (4 dudes and 1 chick who kick regular ass here) by 13 fucking points. Damn.

Part of that wide margin came from an almost perfect 15, jokered, on round 2. And while were on the subject of round 2, lets just say that it was the most divergent round, points-wise that I have ever seen, with scores ranging from the aformentioned to this...

The quiz may not be biased towards women, but it seem to most certainly be biased towards people who grew up on fundamentalist Christian compounds where radio was relegated to the Family Life Network and KOA.

Did anyone else note the delicious irony of having the Lost round happen on the very night, at the very time, that Lost actually airs? I would like to think that it was a deliberate "Fuck you, TV watchers!" from Dicker, but I think it was merely a cosmic joke courtesy of the gods of coincidence. Which would make sense considering the show.

Yarn Divas. (Insert knitting/winning metaphor here.)

Stitchin' Bitches, bitter rivals of Yarn Divas. Seriously, it almost came to blows between these ladies when I was taking these pictures.

Best Flyover Ever got beat by girls.

L.A.N.L.I. stands for Losing and Not Liking It. Might I suggest next time you not anticipate your losing with your team name? that's just bad mojo.

Second Date will not be having a third after having had to listen to my stupid ass all night.

DON'T FORGET!

Starting next week Patrick Carroll's will be giving away Rockies tickets monthly. Here's how it will work: At the start of every month we will begin a running tally of points, with the team with the most points at the end of the month winning a pair of tickets. This will be happening every month throughout the season. So show up this Wednesday, and start racking up those points if you want some free Rockies tickets.

Word.

Yarn Divas                                       74
Stitchin' Bitches                                63
Best Flyover Ever                                61
L.A.N.L.I.                                       46
Butter Face and Summer Teeth                     46
This Music Sounds Like Greek to Me               41
Pelo Gigante                                     24
Second Date                                      23
Smitherine                                        7

Seriously, who the fuck is this bitch just assuming that fish don't want bicycles? I mean, have you ever tried swimming for hours at a time? That shit is hard work. Maybe if fish could just cruise the bottom of the ocean on bikes once in a while then sharks wouldn't be all fucking jealous and pissed off trying to eat swimmers all the time. Which brings me to the real point of all this. Maybe if these feminist types would just stop being all like, "We don't need no man to get along", they could loosen up a bit and realize the joy and freedom that comes with just shutting up, looking pretty, and supporting their man. I mean God knows the only reason that broads ever gave me the time of day was that they thought that they needed a man in their life. And this Irina Dunn chick wants to take that all away from me? C'mon, feminists, we both like women, so help a brotha out.

Oh, and while we're on the subject of people who are actively trying to make everyone else' lives miserable, let us talk about one Arnold "Get to the Choppah!" Schwarzenegger. Now, Mr. Schwarzenegger has given us many, many reasons to despise him over the years - keeping that horse-faced-walking-Kennedy-miscarriage-he-calls-his-wife Maria Shriver in the public eye, feeding on infants to sustain his life-force, The Last Fucking Action Hero - but his most egregious crime against decency has got to be his thwarting of the Crimson Jihad in the movie True Lies. The CJ were trying to set off a nuke in Florida and Arnold stopped them. Fuck! We could have been rid of that redneck infested, hillbilly pocked, limp phallus excuse for state way back in 1994 had Arnold just minded his own fucking Austrian, Nazi-father-having, European-talk-show-host-groping business. But no. Arnold decided he needed to rescue that syphilitic, geographical dong they ironically call the Sunshine State, ensuring America many more years of burning urination and foul-smelling discharge from it's Southern nether regions. Thanks, Arnold. We're so totally glad you've decided to call the U.S.A. your home.

What's a Nugget?

Pecker Jesters

It Tastes Like Burning

Squirrel Army

So we had a tie for 2nd place last night. The ladies from Lawn Wranglers wanted a back-alley rumble to settle it, but I wasn't sure if my camera would be able to capture all the gore properly in ally light, so I decided the next best thing would be a dance-off set to MJ's "Beat It". It turned out to rumble after all, as all five ladies from Sparkle Motion faced off against the two ladies of Lawn Wranglers. I actually had to break out the boom crane for some of these shots to do thing justice. In the end, Sparkle Motion came out on top, but just barely, and to be honest, a five on two all-girl showdown, while sexy as hell when I see it on the webernets, is not really fair.

Lawn Wranglers

Sparkle Motion

What's a Nugget?                                60
Sparkle Motion                                  59 + The noise
Lawn Wranglers                                  59
Squirrel Army                                   56
JCVD                                            52
Tastes Like Burning                             51
Refugees From a North Korean Compound           49
Pecker Jester's                                 42
Sharkey's Machine                               40

Let's play a little game, shall we? One of the following teams apparently has a member who was married to Martha Stewart. See if you can spot which one.

Nope, not Dipsomaniacs. The only thing they're married to is winning like a motherfucker.

Como Se Dice en Espanol...Surviving Pirate? (No, not them either, and fuck you, Google translator for not letting make my butt-piracy joke en espanol.)

Titan's of Luv only luvs himself and misusing apostrophes.

JIMKATE sans JOERIN. Nah, c'mon.

Bob Short loves all things interior design and craft related, so he loves Martha Stewart, but, you know, he's not really into chicks.

RUBS!, who are Luddites and grew up on some fundamentalist christian compound who's radios were fixed on the Christian Life Network a la North Korea, are only married to Jesus and the notion that dental plans are tools of Satan.

If you guessed Drinking Dykes as the answer, then you get a gold star. I'll assume, since these ladies are nowhere near me to berate me, that this marriage took place during Martha's stint in the big house and was forgotten the minute Ms. Stewart had to go "straight" if you will. I was also told to mention that Ms. Stewart's former wife - the lady in the middle - is currently single, and looking to try new things. Make of that what you will.

Dipsomaniacs                                              64
Como Se Dice En Espanol... Surviving Pirate?              63
Titan's of Luv                                            54
Bob Short                                                 53
RUBS!                                                     52
Drinking Dykes                                            41
JIMKATEJOERIN                                             38
Scrober's Crew                                             6
Pat & Andy                                                 6
Us and Them                                                2