Do you like yelling? I do! Nothing beats spending a few hours hunched at the end of a crowded bar, just hollering myself raw. Luckily, I got to indulge this pastime last night at the quiz, as that motherfucker was PACKED. 'Twas not a seat to be found, even for a sore-kneed QM (I worked on my feet all day, perverts). A lot of people seemed there for the football game, but just as many people were simply hanging out not playing the quiz if you can believe it. That said, we did have an awesome quiz turnout, with 13 teams battling for bar tabs, and only one team left early.

Unlike the Chicago Bears, who nearly gave away a large lead, team How Are We Still Single? took the lead early and never relinquished it. There was no overtime, no tie-breaker. This is the third consecutive win for the quiz quartet, and they're claiming that I'm their good luck charm. That makes me want to rig the quiz so they never win again.

I must also mention team Linda/Maria, who only began playing the quiz after I chided Linda (or was it Maria) for blurting out the answers. They entertained me with their descriptions of the correct answer, if not the correct answer. Billy Mays became 'That cocaine OD guy', and David Carradine was nicely summarized as 'The Kung-Fu guy'.

More than one person came up to me throughout the quiz and asked me if I was just making the questions up right there on the spot. I'm flattered you think I could sit there and just freestyle 8 questions on a topic, but no, I make them up right before the quiz, as I'm driving down 6th avenue.

SCOREAGE

How Are We Still Single?                         88
Duty and Bonus are funny words                   82
Carlton Banks                                    80
Shirley You Can't Be Serious                     78
Magical Meatpants                                77
Car Ramrod                                       72
Zombie Dance Machine                             70
Briefs Over Boxers                               70
Have Your Cake and eat me too                    63
Journey                                          59
I don't do coke I just like the smell of it      58
Linda/Maria                                      49
The jolliest assholes this side of the nuthouse  40

 

NEXT WEEK: The winning foursome look to continue their domination, but several team are looking to bolster their numbers and wrest the title away. As for me, I won't see any of you until next year. Does that joke EVER get old? Not!

It was nice to see so many teams brave the bitter cold last night to come out for my final quiz at the Irish Hound. Of course, you mostly came for the warmth of booze and intellectual stimulation, but I'm going to pretend it was just because you'll miss me so much. The teams also kept the room warm with some red-hot action that saw the top spots tied up and up for grabs heading into round 8, so before I get all maudlin and teary-eyed about how much your lives will never be the same after I'm gone, let's get all up in the quiz instead.

And to the big score list:

Phil's Beard > Murph's Beard                          76 
4 Bells in a Box                                      72
Rock You Like a Hurricane                             69
And Boom Goes the Dynamite                            65
The Bell's Not the Only Thing Cracked in Philly       62
Charlie Manson's Angels                               62
Kathleen Turner Overdrive                             62
Sans Boner                                            60
Trivia Without Phil Is Like…Kissing Your Brother      57
The Bees Knees                                        56
USS Arizona                                           55
Team Lugano                                           40
Beaver Cock                                           39
Mile High Bitches                                      6

And that's the story. Come back next week when Andrew, your new QM who you will enjoy quizzing with immensely, takes over the reigns. If you want to keep up with my shenanigans following my move to the east coast, you're welcome to friend me up in the junior high known as facebook. And that's that.

I don’t wish ill upon anyone…well, most anyone. Especially not quizmaster Phil. Not only is the guy cool as hell but he trained me in the ways of the Quiz… sort of like my own personal Jedi master. But I have to admit that I feel a tinge of giddiness when he is sick or is traveling, because that means I get to host a night at The Irish Hound.

Ahhh... The Hound. I imagine that the feeling I get when I have the opportunity to quiz at the Hound is probably pretty similar to the feeling that Batman gets when he is called to the Hall of Justice. He gets to bum around with all his kick-ass pals like Superman and Wonder Woman, or in the case of the Irish Hound, Murphy and Amber.

Together we fight evil (read: sobriety and ignorance) with their free flowing booze and my razor tipped questions that I fling at the quizzlings. And like the enemies in the rogues gallery, some teams are better equipped to fight back and pummel us with their correct answers. For instance, McPeterson was a little like Solomon Grundy… sort of just taking up space and looking a little lost. On the other hand, we met foes like Jetlag who are quick witted masterminds bent on domination, a la the Joker.

Yes friends, it was indeed a battle for the ages. Perhaps the knockout blow was dealt when you had to dive deep within your mind for a little Buffy The Vampire Slayer lore. You may not have gotten it correct, but you did manage to amuse the fuck out of me. So until I am lucky enough to rejoin you again, I leave you with this…

The Dying Words of Willow’s girlfriend Tara, as suggested by you:
• Don’t shoot!
• Later, gator
• Bye guys
• Bite me
• Cleveland steamroller
• This isn’t where I usually bleed

The Scores:

Jetlag                             66
Merry Christmas! Shitter Was Full! 60
Puffy Pink Unicorns                49
Ducktale Titties                   46
Paper Planes                       46
So Many Dynamos!                   45
Saliva Pajamas                     40
Captain Howdy’s All Stars          25
Good Thing Tiger Has A Prenup      18
McPeterson                          9

I don't know why tonight's quiz was so full of me not being able to decipher various team's names. A few were because of somewhat sketchy handwriting, which I can always identify because my own printing is so completely illegible. And one was because the team failed to come even close to the actual spelling of the word they were looking for, but when they corrected it later, I decided that I much preferred the pronunciation of the misspelling, so thanks for adding a fun new word to my vocabulary. The quiz was quite a knock-down-drag-out affair, with multiple ties and plenty of excitement, so like the late wrestlers we so admire, let's get down to the grappling.

Colder Than a Witch's Refrigerator, which I almost instinctively called a "Witch's Tit" but then didn't, hunkered down in the middle of the pack for most of the night, but when they sprung the joker in round 8, they surprised even themselves by leaping into first place and taking home the big money. Well done!

When the dust had settled from eight rounds of hot action, we had a three-way tie for third place. Never in all my years of quizzing have I seen such a thing! Fortunately, tie-breaker questions have been provided for just such an occasion.

And the here's big number board:

Colder Than a Witch's Refrigerator      66
Wispy Moustaches, Wistful Romances      65
The Tongue Slit is Maddening            61 + 1
The Third Nipple                        61
The Bushwackers                         61
Kittens in the Wall                     59
Botanicos Del Indio                     55
Wholesome Back                          46
Teddy Ruxpin                            43
Beers, Bagels, and Babes                41
Sweet's Ladies                          38
Puffy Pink Unicorns                     34
Abobinal Snowmen                        25
Ted Whole                               17

And that's the story. Come back next week for more exciting quiz adventures!

...would have either been a weird premise for a show about a trucker and his fluffy sidekick or a really horrifying porn flick about Funshine and the rest of the gang doing unspeakable things with rainbows and happiness and vibrators and anal beads. But I digress.

Sometimes the stars align for a team and everything they've spent a lifetime packing their heads with comes together in one quiz. So it was last night for Gator Grips Make Me Hard!, who knew all about troublesome boys and Care Bears. They jumped out to an early lead by jokering round two, and when they aced the Care Bear speed round, there was no way they were going to be caught. When team member Becky won the e-mail bonus prize, a fabulous home sideshow kit, it was just a slap in the face to the other squads. Well done!

And to the score report:

Gator Grips Make Me Hard!                  73
Turd Ferguson                              59
Carlton Banks                              54
Not High on Life                           52
Deranged Hamster Parade                    50
Electricity vs. Cat                        50
Puffy Pink Unicorns                        47
I Look Like the Bartender's Uncle          36
Poison Ivy                                 31

And that's the story for this week. See you next time!

During the course of our quizzings, I generally like to throw in some witty remarks and clever banter to keep the event rolling along smoothly, and yet somehow, when Ben from Puffy Pink Unicorns won last night's e-mail bonus prize, the stick-on mustache variety pack, I neglected to mention that he would now be able to provide mustache rides at the price of his choosing. With this fine selection of mustaches, he will surely be dispensing rides all over Denver. 'Stache rides, I should note, are an environmentally friendly way to travel, so when one is offered up, be sure to jump on it.

To accommodate the football fans, we kicked it old-school amplifier style last night in the Irish Hound's smoke-filled backroom (no smoking allowed), but that didn't stop us from throwing down some serious quiz action. Here's how it all shook out.

And finally a shout-out to Pabst Smear, who jumped in for the disco round then disappeared. Either he thought he really knew his disco or just wanted to use a reasonably clever name.

And to the scores:

Where's Jimmy H?                                        55       
Eight Pairs of Tightie Whities, a Fruit Punch Handle, 
           and Eleven Papayas                           52 + 1
Saliva Pajamas                                          52
A Jew, A Christian, and an Agnostic Walk Into a Bar…    43
Those One-Eyed Guys                                     38
Puffy Pink Unicorns                                     31
Pabst Smear                                              5

And that's how it all happened. See you next week for more quiz time fun!

I was almost surprised that only one team suggested that spousal abuser number four in the visual round was me. I was more surprised, however, that several teams guessed that it was Angelina Jolie. Clearly your ideas about what she looks like naked are significantly different from mine. Although to be fair, I look a lot better in thigh-high leather boots than she does.

While our post-Halloween crowd was smaller than we've seen lately, it was still a knock-down, drag-out affair with a come-from-behind victory and general round 8 switch-'em-ups. Here's who did what.

That's all the pics for this week because the other teams ran off in shame as soon as the quiz ended. Trust me when I say they were a generally attractive and intelligent group.

And here are the final numbers:

Fighting Smack in the Orphanage        58
It Tastes Like Apple Juice             53
Nobody Puts Donkey in the Corner       51
Puffy Pink Unicorns                    50
The Sugar Babies                       50
Alice's Grandy Crew                    42
Chivalry Isn't Dead, You Bitch         40

And that's the story. Join us next week for more exciting quiz action.

Checking ye olde weather forecast this morning, it looks like Denver is about to take a big snow pounding, so it's a relief to know that so many of my quizzers are owners of the Snuggie and will be able to entomb themselves in its snug-tastic snug-comfort to ride out the frigid temps and piles of snow. I was pleased, surprised, and a bit disgusted as we went through the answers to round 5 at how many people had actually purchased each of the various As-Seen-On-TV items. Apparently, the economic recovery is going to be built on the backs of drunken geeks who can't control their late-night buying impulses.

And speaking of drunken geeks, we had a heckuva quiz last night as we ended regulation play with two teams tied for first place. Cram It Clown and Chocolate Chips Don't Do That To People had duked it out in a tie for second place for most of the night, but when the dust settled after round 8, they had locked it up for the top spot. It came down to the five-question bonus round to uncover the true victor, and in the end, it was Cram It Clown that emerged victorious by one question. Nice job, Clown Crammers!

And to the big board:

Cram It Clown                              64 + 1
Chocolate Chips Don't Do That To People    64
There's Blood In The Pumpkin               63
Baby Shakers                               51
Tigiwon                                    50
The 3rd Ball                               50
DMZ                                        45
More Cowbell                               39
Puffy Pink Unicorns                        35
GFY                                        23

And that's that. See you next week when the snow has melted and our brains have thawed.

So apparently our local football franchise is doing well this year, which attracts many supporters to gather in public places when the squad is appearing on the television. Thus, we found our cadre of quizzers assembled in the back room of the Irish Hound. But did that prevent us from getting our quiz on? No, it did not. We whipped out an amp and did it garage-rock style, just like they did it in the old days.

Even with a smaller-than-usual number of teams, we managed to crank up the quiz excitement as a leader held on and then fell, and then we wound up with a tie for the not-quite-winner spot. Perhaps you'd like to read more? Conveniently, additional information follows.

Puppies Dressed As Cats debated their team name up-to-and-including after they had turned in their answers for round 1, but they still managed to pull out a last round victory by saving their joker for such a time as it would be most useful. That's two wins in the last few weeks for this plucky band who may have given away their Halloween costume idea.

And to the jumbotronic score displayer:

Puppies Dressed As Cats           51
Puffy Pink Unicorns               49 + 1
Full-On Rapists                   49
Go Fuck Yourself, San Diego       46
Six and O                         40
Chargers Suck!                    36

And that's how that went down. Come back next week when we'll geek back out into the main part of the bar. See you then!