I hope you are all aware that we at GeeksWhoDrink take our quizzing very seriously. So seriously in fact that we gather each audio round by hand. No, smart-ass, not by the hand that illegally downloads each track off of LimeWire, we actually go out and get each sound-bite in person. So for tonight's Road Trip with a 4 Year-old and a Drunk round I happen to know for a fact that our fearless leader, Señor Dicker actually got toasted on Cosmos (in honor of the Sex and the City movie, obviously. He loves that shit.) and made off with the neighbor's 4 year-old. So my quandary is this: with Dicker shit-canned and a 4 year-old, well, a 4 year-old, who was operating the vehicle? I also have to take into account that your average 4 year-old can't fiddle an old-school radio dial into 8 different stations, certainly not while gunning the stick shift of a beat-up Ford Fiesta down Federal. Okay, so I'm figuring the 4 year-old either had a wicked pituitary disorder or a bar somewhere is missing a few phone books and some wooden blocks. Anyone else got a theory? Anyway the round went off without a hitch, but we're still looking for that 4 year-old so if you see a little naked kid wandering the streets with an empty bottle of Wild Turkey and a dazed look, that's probably her.

The second audio round was equally scandalous to put together. Dicker's right hand man, Mister Peach wasted the better part of a day down on Sesame Street trying to get The Count to stop with the damn numbers and I hear getting Bert and Ernie out of their bath together was something straight out of Brokeback Mountain.

The Humpty Round. In all honesty, probably the greatest round ever created by the hand of man. So brilliant in fact that I think it would be downright disrespectful to go any further without dropping the lyrics to this earth-shattering musical masterpiece:

All right!
Stop whatcha doin'
'cause I'm about to ruin
the image and the style that ya used to.
I look funny,
but yo I'm makin' money, see
so yo world I hope you're ready for me.
Now gather round
I'm the new fool in town
and my sound's laid down by the Underground.
I drink up all the Hennessey ya got on ya shelf
so just let me introduce myself
My name is Humpty, pronounced with a Umpty.
Yo ladies, oh how I like to hump thee.
And all the rappers in the top
ten--please allow me to bump thee.
I'm steppin' tall, y'all,
and just like Humpty Dumpty
you're gonna fall when the stereos pump me.
I like to rhyme,
I like my beats funky,
I'm spunky. I like my oatmeal lumpy.
I'm sick wit dis, straight gangsta mack
but sometimes I get ridiculous
I'll eat up all your crackers and your licorice
hey yo fat girl, c'mere--are ya ticklish?
Yeah, I called ya fat.
Look at me, I'm skinny
It never stopped me from gettin' busy
I'm a freak
I like the girls with the boom
I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom
I'm crazy.
Allow me to amaze thee.
They say I'm ugly but it just don't faze me.
I'm still gettin' in the girls' pants
and I even got my own dance

The Humpty Dance is your chance to do the hump
Do the Humpty Hump, come on and do the Humpty Hump
Do the Humpty Hump, just watch
me do the Humpty Hump
Do ya know what I'm doin', doin' the Humpty Hump
Do the Humpty Hump, do the Humpty Hump

People say "Yo, Humpty, you're
really funny lookin'"
that's all right 'cause I get things cookin'
Ya stare, ya glare, ya constantly try to compare me
but ya can't get near me
I give 'em more, see, and on the floor, B,
all the girls they adore me
Oh yes, ladies, I'm really bein' sincere
'cause in a 69 my humpty nose will tickle ya rear.
My nose is big, uh-uh I'm not ashamed
Big like a pickle, I'm still gettin' paid
I get laid by the ladies, ya know I'm in charge,
both how I'm livin' and my nose is large
I get stoopid, I shoot an arrow like Cupid,
I use a word that don't mean nothin', like looptid
I sang on Doowhutchalike, and if ya missed it,
I'm the one who said just grab 'em in the biscuits
Also told ya that I like to bite
Well, yeah, I guess it's obvious,
I also like to write.
All ya had to do was give Humpty a chance
and now I'm gonna do my dance.

Oh, yeah, that's the break, y'all
Let me hear a little bit of that
bass groove right here
Oh, yeah!
Now that I told ya a little bit about myself
let me tell ya a little bit about this dance
It's real easy to do--check it out

First I limp to the side like my leg was broken
Shakin' and twitchin' kinda like I was smokin'
Crazy wack funky
People say ya look like M.C.
Hammer on crack, Humpty
That's all right 'cause my body's in motion
It's supposed to look like a fit or a convulsion
Anyone can play this game
This is my dance, y'all, Humpty Hump's my name
No two people will do it the same
Ya got it down when ya appear to be in pain
Humpin', funkin', jumpin',
jig around, shakin' ya rump,
and when the dude a chump pump
points a finger like a stump
tell him step off, I'm doin' the Hump.

Black people, do the Humpty
Hump, do the Humpty Hump
White people, do the Humpty
Hump, do the Humpty Hump
Puerto Ricans, do the Humpty Hump,
just keep on doin' the hump
Samoans, do the Humpty Hump, do the Humpty Hump

Let's get stoopid!

Oh, yeah, come on and break it down

Once again, the Underground is in the house
I'd like to send a shout out to the whole world,
keep on doin' the Humpty Dance,
and to the ladies,
peace and humptiness forever

Peace and humptiness forever indeed, and to you my long nosed sex fiend friend. I have to say I was a little bothered that this round didn't come in straight 8's across the board. Talkin' to you Dukes of Valmont. A 2. The Dukes of Valmont, in my history, have never scored a 2 on a round. Now, I realize you were missing your young guy ringer, but still, there's no excuse. My parents would have done better than a two. Hell, my grandparents would have come back from the grave to put in more than a 2. I personally would have gotten a 9. Yeah, there were only 8 questions, but I know the Humpty Dance so well I'd have gotten 9.

I'd like to take a paragraph or two to discuss influence and bribery. I for one fully support the occasional bribe. What I'd like to go over is successful and unsuccessful ways to bribe your way to the top. This...

...will never hurt your score. Looking out for your quizmaster's fashion sense will always be appreciated. And knowing his utter disdain for squirrels (again, it's just squirrels; squirrels gone wild...you gotta love that, little hairy nipples, some amateur underage squirrel lesbian action, that's just hot), really it's just the finishing touch. It's the little things people.

Next you have promises unfulfilled...

You had me at "lick". Let me point out that this was round 1, this was how we started the evening folks. I thought we, or at least I, was in for the best quiz night since that round 4 orgy back in '96. But talk is cheap ladies, talk is cheap.

Finally we have complete and utter failure. You've gotta at least but some kind of effort in people...

Nice try boys, but not even close. You see, what was missing from your little attempt to curry favor, was the C-note attached to the back of the score sheet. A little cabbage might just get you those multiplication tables you're looking for.

We had a team mix up Robert Smith of the Cure with Rosie O'Donnell of large, lesbian, annoying, infant-minded television. I think I peed my pants a little laughing at that one. I never realized the incredible similarities. Could they perhaps have been spawned from the same womb? If so, don't you want to see a picture of the mother? I mean, just out of morbid curiosity?

We also had a valiant attempt at Sesame Street character #7 in our Sesame Street audio round. Yoda Fuck. No. Sorry. It was not Yoda Fuck. I always missed the best days of that show. I blame my parents for that. I really feel my childhood was incomplete as a result.

Anyway, onto the real business. Even without their jokerx10, and a few truly woeful rounds, the Dukes of Valmont eeked their way into 3rd place in the final round. I honestly don't know how they do it. If I didn't know the guy that does the scoring personally I'd swear they were dirtier than Barry Bonds buried in a pile of shit.

My heartfelt condolences go out to Kramerica Industries, a class act and one of my favorite new teams to come along. I'm sorry guys, I swear I did nothing to interfere with the scores. I genuinely hope you'll come back next week and tear a new ass out of the whole room.

Second place went to the always strong, and always impressive because they rarely have more than 2 or 3 people, Moose in Heat, or should I say National Animal of Norway in Heat?

Finally, Champeens once again, and not because they bribe me with homemade snickers bars that aren't made of poo and gangster bandannas (which, by the way guys I think you've got a gang war on your hands, as I was walking out to my car wearing your bad-ass bandanna I got jumped and beat with a chain by a bunch of guys dressed up like Raccoons), Beard and a Mustache, 2 Bits.

Ah, and for anyone who doubts my neutrality, you should have seen the vile and lurid things they filled my email bonus question bucket with. I had to wash my hands for a good 45-minutes when I got home.

Scores, scores everywhere...

Beard and A Moustache, Two Bits   64
Moose In Heat                     61
Dukes of Valmont                  58
Kramerica Industries              57
Gooners                           49
Iced Monkey Brains                48
Carpet Munchers                   47
Bus Station Skank                 47
The Mooninites                    43
Buzzcut                           22
Boots, Fur, Yeah!                 12
Brew-Balls                        10
Squirrels Gone Wild                4

Again, thanks everyone for coming out, so glad to see all your perverted smiling faces, new teams and old, every week. Don't forget boys and girls, in a 69 my humpty nose will tickle your rear.

See you in seven.