augh, wrong bar agaaaaaain

Last night the Rackhouse had a very special round 1. Designed specifically to appease the anger of the Righteous Steve, it was like two round 8s in one, and the scores looked the same too! Thus began the night of "BLAME STEVE," for which almost everything needed to be blamed upon this dude's head. And of course, he wasn't here. So it all went to shit. I was so excited to have Steve come up and read the questions, too! :( :( :(

It *could* have been epic! Instead, what is this. I get a Round 7 that's crap, and no Steve, and - and - and - finally a word I couldn't pronounce in all of quiz.

Physicianly. WTF is it like, we can just throw an -ly on anything anymore and call it a fucking - I was so bad at pronouncing it and everyone was so bad at answering it, I just picked the bonus question from Steve's round and asked them about those disgustingly vile musicals.

...look, really, you can sense the lack of passion, can't you?

You can feel there isn't a certain jouie d'vivre?

I have to tell you, it's because I'm hurt.

I'm hurt by Geek in Review.

Some of you may or may not know about this blog, in which bars are featured for their content. Now, my bone is a large one, you see, for they have a certain bar named A Bar Named Sue.

A note:
This bar has a much funnier QM than I am, so I am always excited to read their blogs.ver, a few weeks back...

They were featured for penis illustrations.

Those of you who read this blog know of a certain team called the Mean-Spirited Losers. These folks leave me some of the most disgusting answer sheets this side of the Mississippi. They are lovely, lovely people, but fact is, one very no-longer-curly-haired member has a serious... addiction, as it were, to veins, and bumps, and the exact texture of pubes. According to his wife, Cassandra, she has to warn people when they come over to the house that there are dicks everywhere.

Again, ain't nothin on A Bar Named Sue, Boba Fatt's one serious, seriously funny chick. But my golly. MY GOLLY.

To ignore such artistic cleverness is really just a travesty into and unto itself.

Observe.

Now that I have gotten that off my chest, let's talk about the quiz proper.

Tonight was pretty epic with some seriously drunk teams hangin' out and tonnes of folks present who weren't quizzing, so we had a little difficulty at first with the audio rounds gettin' the individuals to pipe down. Otherwise, it was a pretty smooth going... I can only think of one round in particular that was a real crapshoot, being name-the-city-for-the-song... that... The Rackhouse isn't always the best audio-round zone to begin with, and my poor quizlings had a little difficulty puttin' it all together.

There is one thing I must bring up.

THESE GUYS COME OUT HERE, EVERY THURSDAY, PUT THEIR A-GAME ON AND STILL. No matter what! Without fail! It's 4th. This is ridiculous. There must be a way to break this curse. This sort of frustration has not been seen since... since... since ever, really!

I announce it now. The Little Lebowski Urban Achievers will have their day. Perhaps it was just too much...

PBR. THE GAME KILLER BAD BEER.

AND NOW, FOR YOUR WINNERS...

THIRD PLACE...

SECOND PLACE...

AND NOW, FOR EVERYONE ELSE ♥...

AND YOUR SCORES:

Muppet Baby's Mama 					71
Pea Puree						66
Good to the Last Drop					65
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers				64
Mean-Spirited Losers					63
Battle Stags (Now With Surveillance Does!)		61
I'm Here for the B.S.					53
More Drinking than Geeking				52
Ladies Who Drink					46
Suck It							43
I Am Sick of Home Depot					39
Tar Heels						39
Beers & Brains						37
Captain Americans					37
Schaeft Nutz						36
Flying Hivenboods					35
The Underdogs						29
Schaef-d-Nuts						28
Penguin Warriors					20
Sphinker						19
David Bowie Might Be G					6

This week on the Rackhouse...

Not only did Get Well Parker Givan show up basically just to tell me how he was doing, they did a fuckin' badass job for a two man operation, pulling up a respectable 6th.

So obviously, what we learned this week was if you're going to hit a pedestrian, don't leave your damn license plate at the scene of the crime.

The following is also what we learned:

1. ムシカルスの日本議は大嫌い！Except I incredibly love them, as did some other teams like

2. Obviously, Apartheid separated Whites, Blacks, Zulus and Prawns.

During round 2 the pack was quickly culled as certain groups, such as This is Not Rocket Science (who were in last place the entire round) and Snookered by Fox News admitted defeat:

Mean-Spirited Losers, however, had their priorities straight. Product placement is the only real way to make money - fuck this bar cash shit.

They didn't get any higher than fifth.

Round 6 came and went, with a special tribute to more music (anyone else feel like music dorks had the upper hand last night? hipsters! bah!) where most people were like, "God this is some horrible shit." and I was like, "Yeah, it is."

Next, came, of course...

And now because I feel conspicuously unfunny, the internet bonus prize.

ZE WINNEHRS...

IN THIRD PLACE.

IN SECOND PLACE.

AND IN FIRST PLACE...

AND NOW, FOR ALL THE OTHER LOVELY QUIZLINGS♥

AND YOUR SCORES:

South Broadway Ironic Tee and Beard Festival	88
Kundee						73
This Team Name Has Been Censored
Due To Its Graphic Nature			65
Crutches					61
Mean-Spirited Losers				60
Get Well Parker Givan!^				59
Donkey Punch					58
Damn Near Wrecked 'Em***			57
Slackers					52
The Little Lebowski Urban Achievers Club	52
You're Pretty Smart. . . for a Splooge!		51
Grammaw Apeshit & His Fabulous Cousin Helen^^	47
Snookered by Fox News				46
myspace.com/TheFreeElectricBand**		43
Shut the Fuck Up, Bitch				43
Insponded Retense				41
Ball Busters					40
M&M						33
This is Not Rocket Science*			33

Conspicuously Missing Report: Battle Stags, where art thou?, Rick!, Tavie & crew!
*Apparently it is...
**Oh fine you plug all you want, you damn showboaters. I actually checked them out and they ain't bad, though.
***Wrecked who? and how? I'm so fascinated, but also trepidatious. What is in this world of Damn Near?
^ GET WELL PARKER!!
^^My favorite of their names: Crabs Hack Billy & The Sharks

So for those of you not in the loop, I work at Starbucks. I work at a drive-thru, so sometimes famous people visit us because they don't want the hick Denverites to know they're in town. One such famous person is Carmelo Anthony (who doesn't tip.) On Tuesday, during my very boring closing shift, I was working window and this chick over the speaker orders honey in an iced coffee.

Really? Honey in an iced coffee? You fucking prick. You're not even vegan 'cuz you're getting milk in it, so you have no excuse. Stirring honey into a cold drink is like, a whole new form of gross-spooge that wasn't even on round 5.

So the car that's supposed to have this drink gets to the window and I pop out to see a little blonde dude. No. That was totally a chick. What's going on? Oh wait. Who sounds like a chick, orders an obnoxious drink and is really a dude?

Michael Cera. Yes, THE hipster icon was sitting in his car in my drive-thru, having come back from almost being eaten alive in Red Rocks because he was a tourist and hiked in a place you're not supposed to hike.

And guess what? The million dollar movie star?

Doesn't Tip.

...

This week at the Rackhouse...

This week on the Rackhouse, QM Jesse was actually very depressed before she took the stage. She'd had a really rough day. So in order to show you what cheered her up, we're going to do photos first!

Conspicuously Missing Would Be Winners, who always come at the end.

Tonight was also the night of gifts:

AND THEN PAUL GAVE ME HIS MOVIE, which I didn't take a picture of but is SOOO COOOL: Battle on Boot Hill...

Now, what do all these pictures have in common? Dude, you WISH you had my job and you got to be the object of affection of a room full of hot muthafuckas every week. It's as if I've walked into an orgy underground porno and I'm Ass Larue or something. I had waited my whole life for this as a nerdy anime weirdo grown into a nerdy literature weirdo, and look at this! Look at all this sexy!

It might explain why when Round 4 came along and I had a total brain fart and didn't notice there was an example, I made the following Before & Afters:

1. Indie HIpster kid who always looks awkward, and a total cheapskate!
Michael Cera Doesn't Tip.

2. Indie Hipster fuckwad who doesn't tip, and a really cool dinosaur!
Michael Ceratops

But then, THEN I took one look at my audience and thought, oh man. Oh man I'm onto something...

3. A really yummy summer treat, and what girls do when they see something hot!
Ice Cream Panties!

Yeaaaah! Half the bar was like, "Wait, I thought you had no idea what sex was," and the other half was like, "Idiot they had to give you an example." Which they did. Ha, ha, ha.

I can't help it if I get all hot and bothered with your doe-eyes staring at me. You fluster me, quiz. You hotties.

ANOTHER EPIC THING HAPPENED TONIGHT! A sudden death round between 3, count them, 3 teams! All tied for 74 on top. It was epic, but again, I was too busy oggling hotties and snappin' pics and forgot to get action shots. So instead, I just show you the results like a total douche. Sorry, I don't mean to be a douche. I'm Italian/German. It's in my blood?

AND NOW, FOR THE WINNERS...

IN THIRD PLACE.

IN SECOND PLACE.

AND IN FIRST PLACE...

And three more random bits.

AND YOUR SCORES:

The Great Celery Fiasco,
Brought to You By Acme				74(+5)
Above Them Above Them Abo--			74(+3)	
The Powdermonkeys				74(+2)
Murder Mitten Transplants*			63
I Checked Into Yo Mom on FourSquare		63
The Pundits					61
Michael Cera Sounds Like a Girl
and Doesn't Tip**				58
Earlier Today I Enjoyed A Nice
Ice Cream Sandwich***				57
Granny, Nooo!!!					53
Bernard						53
I Hope Size Matters				52
Slackers					50
Viva Espana!^					49
Saved By The Bells				44
At Least We Don't Suck as Much as BP^^		43
Nipples & Such					43
うるさい						41
The Stepfathers					37
Death Grip^^^					31

conspicuously missing report: Part of Tavie's Squad came, so was thusly acceptable; Donkey Punch/Pinch; Mean-Spirited Losers!
*When Little Lebowski Urban Achievers/Whatevs name they come up with break through fourth, be prepared.
**Goddamnit, I hear Bill Murray leaves $100s.
***Easily the best team name of the night. I literally had to pull the mike away from laughing when I first saw it.
^YEAH GO SPAIN GO. AUGH, I can't believe I missed the opportunity to scream like an idiot about it NOT BEING GERMANY!
^^Dude, guys, you actually rule. Like, more than just rule. You burn small villages in your awesome.
^^^ran away because I guess I took too long scoring. I'm sorry! I have 19 teams! I do my best to score between questions and to really try to get as much done as possible! I went to the bathroom once! And I listened to a story from Rob once!

FIRST OFF: Any quiz in which EDDIE MURPHY and SPELLING are determining factors of all standings below 4th place is a quiz that is, in its nature, the most awesomely terrifying spectacle to behold. May we all quiver.

SECOND: A shout-out to Clark who fixed the feed back on our machine so me, the audio-epileptic, didn't fall over in an atonic seizure, and secondly, the audience which probably had at least one more epileptic didn't do the same. What can I say? Epileptics are smart.

NOW THE BLOG PROPER:

Oh my! Tonight, the quizlings came out in droves to see me, and it was excellent! At one point we had 19 active teams... with 2 dropping out over the course of the epic battle, and one joining, that totalled out at 18 scores at the end of the night. (Excluding round 6 joiner Mistique, who was in a battle all-her-own against once very formidable Dark Angel.)

Of course, tonight was also the night we asked them about Eddie Murphy.

Brining up Eddie Murphy reminds me of a story to tell you. It's very short, and very embarrassing, which means it's perfect for the Geeks Who Drink blog.

When I first saw The Nutty Professor, I cried.

A lot, actually. When he was on stage and the comedian was making fun of him? I burst into many tears of plenty, and ran away to my room for a while to calm down. Allow me to explain: I was the fat kid when I was young, even if by all standards I wasn't all that overweight. I spent most of my time getting called 99/1 (which in my middle school was cruel slang for '99% ugly bitch') and pushed around because my ass was huge.

Well, my ass is still huge, but it now brings all the boys/girls to the yard.

Thus, I use this story to point out to you: Nutty Professor was before 2000, and to my quizlings benefit, most of them didn't know that, or knew more than 3 of the Eddie Murphy movies on the list.

~el fin~

It was probably better for them anyway. In fact, this quiz was full of rounds that several awesome teams suddenly got 1s and 0s.

(well, except

they just up and quit, quitters. And A-team too.)

So it's official. By and large we can't spell, we don't know anything about the 'who/hoo' sound in the English language and most shows were cancelled because we didn't watch them. It's okay! People still left the quiz with winnination on their breath, and as the

And hey, who needs a score anyway?

Speaking of bad beer worshippers...

Also, I will miss you, parts of The artist formerly known as Negligence and now currently known as again. Please be safe in buttfuck NY and okay Austin. Try to drink good beer, make good friends, and perhaps start your own quiz culture in that land of NYness. Austinites, find a QM and don't harass them. Love them as you would.

and finally, before the scores:
I AM TAKING THE BONUS PRIZE MORE SERIOUSLY AND LO AND BEHOLD, I GOT A COOL BOX WITH COOL PRIZES. INSIDE WAS A BACON WHEEL THING. I GAVE IT AWAY.

NOW IT IS SCORE TIEM.

THIRD PLACE...

SECOND PLACE...

AND FIRST...

AND NOW FOR EVERYONE ELSE♥

AND YOUR SCORES:

Donkey Pinch*						73
They're Not Lemons, They're Sun Eggs			69	
Ant Man & The Abused Wives Brigade			67
Slackers					        59
Ginger?				                        58
I Think I Bent My Wookie**				56
Screaming Mimis						55
Touched By An Uncle	^				52
Slow-Motion Train Wreck					51
Sea of Retarded Sexuality				50
LearNED Doctors					        49
Battle Stags						43
Negligence						41
espirit d'escalier					39
...Smells Like Hot Dogs					39
Last and Probably Least***				33
The Jerks						30
Mean-Spirited Losers					26
Mistique						15
A-Team						        14

CONSPICUOUSLY MISSING REPORT: Rick; Julio; Little Lebowski... heeeey!
*OMGWTFBBQ CONGRATULATIONS.
**Kind enough to realize I would indeed not know that this was a Ralph Wiggum Quote, and tell me thusly.
***Said they'd've won if they'd come on time. Oh yeah? We'll see about that...
^After very careful consideration did not shout out the answers to round 5. I also, after careful consideration, did not read a Shatner rendition of every dirty song lyric. We are both careful people. Also, actually spelled 'Numnah' correctly.

On the way to the Rackhouse, two blonde douche-twins in skin tight oxford collar button-ups, one tweedle-dum in striped blue and white, the other tweedle-dee in green, white and red wanna-be flannel, decided to play with themselves on the light-rail while I was sitting in the last seat of the car facing them. You know that spot where the bikers stand, that you can't really help but stare at if you're not by a window and you're in the last row facing it? Yeah, so I spent the lightrail, packed to brim, awkwardly trying to stare elsewhere and ended up staring at the man's ass next to me.

It wasn't a bad ass, really.

Then, as I left Alameda to walk to our lovely establishment, these two gentlemen took it upon themselves to open the car doors of their jeep and start pissing on the side of Alameda.

I felt they needed some shaming, so as I walked by, I screamed, "A+ Fucking Class, Gentleman!" And then ran for my life like a little bitch*.

Let's just say before the quiz? I was in a pretty awful mood. Last week I was apparently offensive, but then I saw Clark and crew at the Rackhouse, and then, I saw all your shiny faces, and I just started to feel better again, Quizlings!

Then, this week at the Rackhouse...

YOU GAVE ME A ROBOT DOG.

And as thus, I have dubbed it art-week.

This week was sort of hit-or-miss for all of you. Either you knew what the hell Quiz was talking about for most of the game, or you just said fuck it. I even had one team be like, "look, I'm just done." Lint Lickers, you were fun! You shoulda stuck around!

We also learned that all black women who have TV shows and sing their theme songs are either Moesha or Brandy. Only one shameful fellow happened to know it was "That's So Raven"...

Further, as my pal from I've Got Bitches in Liechtenstein Gettin' It On pointed out, this week also fucked up the power-rankings something fierce as we had an esoteric Double or Nothing round thrown in there just to confuse and befuddle the audience. Luckily, the beffudledment and confusedness faded off as I carefully explained the rules -- without profanity -- to a surprised and excited crew.

Oh man, and Roselba's got hot hair now. See below in the places:

THIRD PLACE...

SECOND PLACE...

AND FIRST...

AND NOW FOR EVERYONE ELSE♥

AND YOUR SCORES:

Mean-Spirited Losers**			82
After Chlamydia			        80	
I've Got Bitches in Liechtenstein
Gettin' It On***			79
The Little Lebowski Urban Achievers	67
Kuntey Hole				65
Foreskin Boots				64
Battle Stags				61
Mens Rea			        60
Everybody's Doing It			58
Oh Joy					57
Teddy Bear of Angst & Despair		56
Big Fluffy Meow-Meow		        46
Robot Leg				37
Lint Lickers				24

*It should be noted I am a little bitch, generally.
**Also, Cassie, I was not to write we were talking mad shit about you, but we weren't at all, we were actually just scolding me for writing the wife gossip on the website last night, so I'm just going to keep talking for a bit in this summary, because I can.
***I love when you guys come explain your names to me because I am so not into pop culture at all, I wouldn't've even realized Snoop Dogg had tried to RENT LIECHTENSTEIN. Is he fucking mad? Also, Julio, That's So Raven? Really?
; ; I was supposed to drink with the team formerly known as negligence tonight before they left for austin and they didn't come. my heart is broken! BROKEN!