"Hey Ballard Loft, Put your hands together!! (clap, clap, clap...silence). Alright! Let's do this thing!! Oh, ooops...SHIT! (microphone shoots out of hand and falls on floor with a bang followed by un-Godly feedback): host trips over chair and goes ass-over-teakettle.

At least I have good form and I'm extremely charming.

Tonight Fall brought a more intimate, quieter group. A group who only yelled expletives twice every other round. Things were just beginning to feel warm and romantic when I decided to play the audio round. That was when the Pub Quiz Gremlins reared their ugly heads again!

First, no sound?? Check connections, troubleshoot the bar system, re-check connections. Volume is up on iTunes. What could possibly be causing this?? The audience grows restless..."Why is it taking so long??!" "Why don't you just sing the fucking songs already!!" "You're fat!". Then came the headslapping moment where I turned the computers main volume up. Sheepishly, trying to make it look like I meant to do that. Gremlins!

Okay! Let's play that audio round now!! Awesome!! I just need...hmmm...uhhh...come on mouse!...move dammit! What the FUCK!!! Uhh...No! Everythings fine just trying to...(move, you little sonovabitch! Everyone's watching!! you little...) Everything's fine! Just trying to...(shit!)

Finally, everything smoothed out. thanks to, both, alcohol and my amazing ability to stay cool-headed in any situation! And booze.
We had a great game, everyone had a great time and here are your scores!

HOPHEADS                      84
CLOBBERIN' TIME               84
SMEDLEY BUTLER FAN CLUB       80
SWEET BUCK FUTTERS            80
JUSTICE LEAGUE                74
PORT WHORES                   69
THREE JARS OF QUESO           69
MICHAEL SCOTT PAPER COMPANY   69
WE LOVE BECCA                 66
BDFP ALL STARS                65
TEAM ABSTINENCE               65
YOURS                         63
PYT'S                         62
DON'T MAKE FUN OF OUR SCORE   59
MIDWEST                       6

Quick fact: Hippies stink.
Hippies, or as they're known by scientists "Trustfundicus Entitleus", roam the halls of secondary or "community" colleges all over this blessed land. Commonly misunderstood, these misanthropic creatures can often be found wherever Asian-Vegan restaurants, hand drums or outdoor music festivals are being enjoyed. Recognizable by their appearance: typically the men wear a decorative hair style adopted from the popular Jamaican "Dreadlocks", long unkempt hair that eventually grows into knotted, long strands of thick rope. These "dreadlocks" as they are commonly known, almost immediately make the Hippie recognizable in a crowd for two reasons: 1)Hippies are typically anglo, not Jamaican 2)they are typically malnourished and undersized, making their hair almost twice their actual body weight. This causes a slumping of the shoulders and also a lack of physical energy, unless of course a rousing game of "kick the beanbag" erupts. in most cases this is the only physical exercise enjoyed by the modern American Hippie. They are also detectable from a distance by their fetor. A strong, toxin used to defend themselves from Military recruiters and employers. This odor is recognizable up to 200 meters, but is typically mixed with a common herb. The Patchouli herb contains an amazing oil, that when extracted, not only does nothing to mask the stench but can almost have an adverse effect: making them even more recognizable in a crowd. Currently, there are no female hippies. Unfortunately someone has to be in a support role. Although the female friends of hippies will appear as if, they too, are also hippies their built in organizational skills, reasoning and overall maturity precludes them from actually being a "true" Hippie.
(the following excerpt is from my forthcoming book: I'm Not Judgemental, I'm Just An Asshole!)
Here are some pictures of beautiful people to clear the smell of patchouli from the room!

FOR BRITISH EYES ONLY                                 69
HOPHEADS                                              68
R KELLY CAN'T READ                                    63
I'M GLAD CALISTA FLOCKHART HAS NON-HODGKINS LYMPHOMA  62
QWA                                                   60
THE SWEET BUCK FUTTERS                                58
BYOB/GYN                                              54
CAN 'O WINE                                           52
BOB LOBLAW'S LAW BLOG                                 50
PORNSTAR GLORIOUS                                     47
STINKY DOUCHE                                         46
TOUCH ME WHERE PEE COMES OUT                          45
CLAIRE, WE WILL MISS YOU                              43
GARY                                                  43
JUST MIGUEL                                           40
HERE FOR HAPPY HOUR                                   38
IT WON'T SUCK ITSELF                                  38
PYT'S                                                 37
BOOBS                                                 19

SCORES!

Sweet Buck Futter                    68
Donkey Spectacular                   67
Discovery Channel                    64
For British Eyes Only                60
Hop Heads                            60
Cheeky Monkey                        56
Slappin' Da Bass                     55
Plundering Pirates                   54
Roman Polanski's Extradition Papers  53
Pen 15 Club                          51
The TI-89s                           51
Tobias Funke: Analrapist             49
Dark Star Rangers                    48
The Alabama Hot Pockets              48
3 Jars of Queso                      44
The Quizantine Empire                44
Beere Hunters                        41
Mumbles                              41
Donut Hole                           40
Electric Donkeyz                     40
PETA Loves Donkey Punchers           39
LMB                                  34
B.S. Country                         33
Bonerfide                            15

But you know what the funniest thing about Europe is?

What?

It's the little differences. A lotta the same shit we got here, they got there, but there they're a little different.

Examples?

Well, in Amsterdam, you can buy beer in a movie theatre. And I don't mean in a paper cup either. They give you a glass of beer, like in a bar. In Paris, you can buy beer at MacDonald's. Also, you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?

They don't call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?

No, they got the metric system there, they wouldn't know what the fuck a Quarter Pounder is.

What'd they call it?

Royale with Cheese.

Royale with Cheese. What'd they call a Big Mac?

Big Mac's a Big Mac, but they call it Le Big Mac.

What do they call a Whopper?

I dunno, I didn't go into a Burger King. But you know what they put on french fries in Holland instead of ketchup?

What?

Mayonnaise.

Goddamn!

I seen 'em do it. And I don't mean a little bit on the side of the plate, they fuckin' drown 'em in it.

SCORES!

Polanski's Quaalude Party     71
Hopheads                      70
The Real Lives of
 Desperate Cougar Housewives  66
U2 Sucks and
      Is The Worst Band Ever  65
Porn Star Glorious            65
Kitten Fire                   63
Bob Loblaw                    59
Sundial Salsa                 56
The Nice Marmots              55
Happy Tourettes               54
Heavy Duty Performance        54
Oktoberfest!!                 45
The Goonie Birds              35
I Beg To Dilfer               33
Faux Furries                  32
Late to the Party             30
2-Man Wolfpack                23

First, the French come over and "Gay-Up" our perfectly good "Croisan-wich" with their lower quality "Croissant"(Come on guys! REAL BUTTER?? On a pastry? Are you trying to kill US or just the flavor?), then they attack the masculinity of our pop music by offering their own versions, done in a language you can't even sing along to unless you want to sound like a choking victim? Damn! "Parle vous blah, blah, blah...Argghhhhhh!!!(making international symbol for 'I'm Choking'!!)

The category of the night? Things only a nerd would know! Guess what I found out about last nights crowd? They ALL GET LAID ON A REGULAR BASIS AND THEREFORE DON'T KNOW WHAT FUCKING SCSI STANDS FOR!! Unlike us regular folk who wake up every morning hoping for a +10 charisma upgrade (if you know what I mean?? Wink!) only to find disappointment and a tinge of loneliness while we eat our Sugar Smacks out of an officially licensed "Master Chief" cereal bowl. Oh well, at least I had a balanced breakfast...balanced on a "Characters of Hanna Barbera" T.V. tray while I watched last night's Attack of the Show, that I Tivo'd because I was busy trouble shooting my friends Alienware for latency issues. Oh, yeah...I forgot...What's it like to touch another human being? I mean, like, on purpose?? Maybe I'll never know. Here's photo evidence of the debauchery, followed by the list of the accused!

Scores:

PORN STAR GLORIUS             69
ELECTRIC GRANDMOTHER          62
SHEINHARDT WIG COMPANY        52
JUSTICE LEAGUE                49
THE LADIES UPSTAIRS           49
HOPHEADS                      49
SQUISHY                       49
JURASSIC PERIOD SEX           45
TACHIKOMAS                    42
BAWLERS                       39
BILL BRASKEY EXPERIENCE       38
YOU CAN'T SPELL TROUBLE       38
JEFF                          37
PRICKLED PONIES               36
SHEENA                        35
VAGINAL TERRORISTS            32
CLAMDIGGERS                   30
SLUMBUSTERS                   29