Motherfucking groundhog! 6 more weeks of winter? Total crap. Especially, if like me, you’ve almost been killed 4 times in the last few hours. First, I fell down in my driveway. Not uncommon for me, but I hit my head so hard that I saw everything in ultra-violet. The girlfriend was all, “You have to go to the hospital!” But I was like, “Naw.” Later in the day, some asshole went all slip n’ slide in a bookstore parking lot. Dude hit a parked car that was literally inches away from me. Then he gave me this shit eating grin and was like, “Sorry, brah.” in a display of utter goofy bullshit the likes of which I haven’t seen since I worked in a Northern California beach-town record store. Let’s just say that if you ever see some shirtless clown with a ponytail asking you where you keep Sublime while he fiddles with his hemp necklace you’ll probably be just as angry as I am.
It’s that time again kids…midnight video game release! Bioshock 2 hits the shelves and yours truly will be there wading through the crowds of losers who spend all their time playing video games. You know, my people. The store opens at ten, and I’m thinking about whether or not I want to go over there then and talk to all the weirdos, or if I’ll just go at the stroke of midnight. Either way, I’m running on about 7 minutes of sleep, and I’m gonna drink more coffee than anyone ever has anywhere. Amen.
For those of you who braved the elements and came to the quiz, I salute your tenacity. You realize that Santa Fe can be weak, and we’ve got to band together to do as much as we can. I admit, that I would love to play some time. In fact, I think sooner or later, we’ll have Amanda host a night, and I’ll join a team and we’ll kick everyone’s ass. You can even keep the prizes…I just want to be like you for 2 glorious hours. It’ll be good, I bet.
And now that we’re back in our homes, sitting by the fire, or in my case, the oscillating space heater that actually does NOTHING, we realize that it’s a good thing we went out. Otherwise, we’d have gone mad. Cabin fever is no joke, even though the movie of the same name was laughably bad (suck a dick, Ryder Strong-Sean from Boy Meets World in case you forgot). It’s the kind of thing that makes you think that you actually could up and kill someone. Not anyone important. Your grandma, maybe. She’s old.
Plus, your grandma never comes to the quiz, so the following statements would mean NOTHING to her.
-All I could think about during Round One was fighting the Omega Weapon in FFX. If you know what that means, I salute you. If not, google it and then feel bummed that you didn’t google it. Don’t forget, I’m a geek.
-Round Two was easy as pie. Except that Rammstein clip. Don’t worry if you didn’t know it. That just means you’re not a sad clown.
-Skiing and shooting? Round Three had it all. Well, maybe not “it all”, but it surely had 2 things. Also, 8 other things. Decathalon, bitches.
-Live with dental pain for 4 years as I have, and you’ll hate the system just as much as me. I read that Obama may be giving up on his health-care reform…drag. Thanks for bringing up all the sour memories, Round Four.
-Round Five existed…and we learned plenty.
-Round Six: Disney can suck it.
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Bonus Action!
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-Name more than 2 Alicia Silverstone movies. I dare you. That’s what I thought. Oh, Round Seven…we love you.
-Round Eight proved that I’ve been right all along-video games provide a wealth of knowledge that impacts your daily life. Now then, who wants to come over and play Marvel VS Capcom 2 with me? Just kidding…I don’t want you in my house. EVER. Ok, maybe a couple of you. But honestly, if I want you there, you’ll know.
-There should have been a dance-off for the second place tie, but alack-there was not. Drag city, but it's still exciting when teams tie. Hooray!
-See you all next week!
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The Top 3!
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The Final Scores
Christopher Walken's Minions 64 Zack Starkey's Bacon Shirt 62 (+1) Hand Solo 62 Mupeteer 61 A Tale Of Two Titties 60 Bison Bison 55 Keyboard 54 Working Hands:Weapons Of Masturbation 27
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