Then you listen to an unhealthy amount of The Cure. That or you’ve just survived a bitchin’ all night session of advanced dungeons and dragons and you beat the shit out of that treasure troll. Either way, sir or madam you have a problem and it should be fixed. I would suggest a sterilizing procedure.

Oh, I don’t mean that… unless you’re gonna do it but no. I’m just kidding…

Well, a quiet night with everyone at the Bulldog moving away and but “quiet” I mean not the usual population density I, in no way, refer to the decibels because several of you like to cause quite the ruckus which, for the record, I am just fine with. Among the convicts were Skate Or Die that earned my nostalgic appreciation from my days of reading thrasher magazine idolizing Tony Hawk even though I had the balance of a husky biped and a skateboard from the flea market. I’m not sure what I figured; if I would actually be cool by reading thrasher or just impress the cashiers by purchasing it.

The Left Below were left behind while Kent wandered towards his new post as a quizmaster and I’m not sure if it was a flash of brilliance or if they simply studied their tabloids to put it to “the man.” Whatever their reasons, however obscure their methods they took a bite out of the quiz and took it for themselves. Not just any orthodontically repaired bite, full on English snaggle-toothed bite.

The Pub Jumpers had an admitted shameful showing prior to the quiz with half the man power as usual. Party because Erica is now somewhere on a beach in San Diego dodging broken bottles of Boone’s and still recovering from a hangover.

Becki of the Pub Jumpers is a 1st grade teacher, she teaches life lessons to the easily influenced minds of todays youth and tomorrows degenerates. She could indoctrinate them much as I would but she takes her job seriously, loose teeth and all. However, sometimes they teach her:

In related events Miguel wandered into the Bulldog in search of his team (whom I found out are heading to New York and Nepal, respectively), and I promised a “you suck” somewhere in here most likely for leaving him hanging and boozeless. I don’t know the timeframe of their hiatus but I, personally, hope it is not long as I will miss their anus references because I don’t think we can get enough anus. Well, that sounded better in my head anyway.

The Scores:

The Left Below			80
Pub Jumpers			78
Skate Or Die			69
20 Lbs Of Hanging Around And
   Enough Hair To Weave A Rug	68
Neocon #1			56

Aaaaand today, as much as in 1983, pork bellies are the future.

My only regret is that I didn’t have more stuff to give away. That’s saying something, considering the framed prints, art kits, and candy that was handed out willy-nilly at the quiz. I told ya’ll last week there’d be cool stuff and neat surprises, so if you weren’t there, that’s your loss.

And by “loss,” I mean you can’t be a member of a group so elite that I will probably be killed for even mentioning it here:

Sock. Monkey. Ninjas.

Go ahead and write a script, just don’t tell anyone where you got the idea.

On to the quiz:

Fellatio:Fellate::Cunnilingus:? owes me an answer to that particular dilemma, though I did appreciate the chance to use the “cunning linguist” pun in public at least once this lifetime. It’s still not funny, but when faced with a team name like this, it’s a moral imperative to say it out loud. Go ahead, say it with me: Cunning linguist.

See? Still not funny.

I’ll Cry If I Want To! celebrated a teammate’s birthday with us. I’ll let you guess which one of these beautiful people I mean:

Hint: She’s blonde and on the right

Oh Don Piano took first place early on and, like a puppy with a chew toy, refused to give it up the remainder of the night.

More fun than a talking cat!

¡El Fantismo! took second and posed for the greatest photo I’ve yet posted here. This is because after weeks of Quiz Mistressing, I finally got the hang of my camera. It's also because they are really photogenic people.

See? No editing necessary!

Scores!

Oh Don Piano                      69
¡El Fantismo!                     65
O, Solo Mio                       61
Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebies            61
Preposterous Hypothesis           56
JFKFC                             52
I’ll Cry If I Want To!            47
Fellatio:Fellate::Cunnilingus:?   23

Third place tie (and not happy about it)

My last night as your Quiz Mistress went rather swimmingly. Even though (in spite of the fact?) I was thoroughly distracted and slightly buzzed from the outset. You guys are so cool you let me slide.....I will miss each and every one of ya.

A bit.

If you’re lucky.

*smooch*

There’s nothing quite like arriving to set up a computer, microphone, and mixer for a quiz night and finding there’s no place to plug anything in.

Yes, the power strip that hadn’t moved from its place there on the ledge for so long that it was literally stuck in place - by what substance, I’d rather not contemplate - was gone. GONE, I tell you!

Yet you didn’t know that. Two extension cords were located just in the nick of time and everything went on as usual. I’m a professional. I wait to bitch until I write the blog.

As for the quiz itself, let me just start by saying that Richard Cheese kicks ass. If Round 2 was the first time you heard his lounge stylings of popular songs, you are seriously missing out on some the swankiest, cheesiest, funniest music out there. But I like Weird Al, PDQ Bach, and They Might Be Giants, too.

Go ahead, call me a geek. Just don’t ever inform me I have no power.

And, at one point during Round 6, I asked if there was any Brady Bunch slash fic out there. Evidently, this is something that’s been on my mind for awhile, because I just Googled “brady slash fic” and my own blog about it from January 2006 came up on the first page. I’d forgotten about it.....and now you never will, so my work here is done.

On to the quiz, dammit!

Random Access Memory jokered early and held on to first place throughout the night, which left the other teams jockeying for position round after round. Except for LC, that is, who joined up at Round 5 and held her own with everyone else for the four rounds she played.

Teams: She was but one person. Recruit her. I mean it. She kicked ass on her own.

Your winners and champeens!

Also, I am convinced that Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebies and ¡El Fantismo! threw the quiz to make new teams feel as if they have a chance against them. Either that or hell is freezing over as we speak and that makes me really late for work as an agent of Satan (my duties are largely ceremonial).

Scores!

Random Access Memory                          72
The Sweater Vests                             69
Two Drunk Fruitloops & a Hungry Stripper      67
¡El Fantismo!                                 65
Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebies                        65
Fuck Middle Management!                       65
LC                                            24

The Sweater Vests: Nearly as preppie as the name implies

This is the team who watches me eat and listens to me sing and still comes back to play each week - braver souls there never were, maties

As announced at last night’s quiz, next week (September 17th) will be my last night as your Quiz Mistress at the Bulldog. I hate to leave, but I took the advice “Never quit your day job” and now the day job is taking over my life. Don’t cry for me (Argentina?), because I will be on the road to fab cities and meeting semi-interesting people for the next few months. I will however visit you all on Mondays when I can, to hang out, have a pint, and play the quiz.

Teams: Recruit me. I mean it. I kick ass on my own.

So be sure to be there next week; not only will there be a Diva with a short timer’s attitude, but I’ve got a few surprises in store, too.

How many of you are here tonight because you read about the quiz in last week’s Westword?

Not a soul raised their hand. Whether you were there for another reason or you were embarrassed to say you read the article, it made me feel all fuzzy inside. “You like me, you really, really like me!”

Yes, I am that narcissistic. Of course, after a couple of Strongbows and three full days of decongestants, pain relievers, and cold remedies, I’m pretty sure I’d have felt good no matter how you answered the question. We were all feelin’ it, weren’t we?

Meh. Maybe it was just me. But I’m going to consider ephedra a performance-enhancing drug from now on.

Notice how I didn’t start writing immediately about ring tones? I thought it best not to start the bitchfest right away. But consider this: Wasn’t it interesting how they lulled us all into a sense of security with 6 relatively easy rounds first?

Okay, that doesn’t make me feel better about putting you through it – and mind you, I was once paid handsomely to hurt people – but remember not to shoot the messenger. I’m just happy you all can tell me about typos (it’s Unicron, not Unicorn) without throwing bottles at me. Thanks, Random Access Memory.

Never play leapfrog with a Unicron

Fuzzy Lips won’t throw a bottle.....but they might smack me on the nose with a rolled-up Modern Drunkard

¡El Fantismo! held on to first for 7 rounds, only to lose it to I Came Here to Chew Bubble Gum and... in round 8. By one point. One, lousy, stinkin’ point:

I Came Here to Chew Bubble Gum and...     74
¡El Fantismo!                             73
Oh Don Piano                              71
Graig Bears                               71
Random Access Memory                      65
NIMH                                      57
The Tennant’s Specials                    54
Fuzzy Lips                                48
Triumph                                   47
Stab the Buffs                            47
My Team Left Me                           10

Win and chew gum at the same time

Second place...but smokin' hot

You see the tie for third place between Oh Don Piano and Graig Bears? Three points from first. Three lousy points. Sweet zombie Jesus, I love this game. I will miss you all so much next week.

Alright, that was a lie. I’ll be on a plane, headed home from a weekend of ultimate geek and total debauchery, but I will come back with pictures. Please don’t hurt Matt. Much. Really, would you hurt this face?

Your special guest Quizmaster for Labor Day

Okay, I would. I wouldn't even have to be paid handsomely.

See you on the 10th!

I took a carny roll, going south, until the roughy told me to unload the possum belly.

Heh. I said it at the quiz and I’ll say it again: I’m proud of you all for not knowing a thing about carny lingo. Tells me I’m spending time with class acts, even with the mass amount of beer we all consume on Mondays. Except for me, anyway; I’m the Strongbow Queen. (Notice how I’m the queen of something each week? Yeah, it gets on everyone elses’s nerves, too. Good thing I’m the big boss at the day job.)

Overall, this was the most exciting quiz I’ve hosted thus far. You know how it’s no fun to go to football games where the final score is 42 to 6? Or to attend baseball games that end 13 to zip? They’re no fun. There’s no challenge to ‘em. You wind up spending your time wandering around the park eating more pizza, drinking more beer, and taking thorough surveys of your surroundings by staring into space. Or you just leave.

Not so for this quiz: At the end of Round 7, there were just 11 points separating first and seventh place and just 5 points between third and first. Even our eighth-place finishers, Bitches Might Get Lost, were right up there with everyone else until the last couple of rounds.

You guys kicked so much more ass than you realize.

I’m also convinced the only reason Rat Belly didn't finish much better is that they didn’t join us until Round 5. If they’d been there from the beginning.....well, maybe it’s best not to wonder.

The surprise is that there was only one tie for the evening, between Most Deaf Rappers Sound Like Shit and NIMH for second place and a split second later, the final scores became:

Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebies               74
Most Deaf Rappers Sound Like Shit    72
NIMH                                 71
A Steak Sandwich & A Steak Sandwich  69
¡El Fantismo!                        66
The Tennant’s Specials               65
Loose Change                         62
Bitches Might Get Lost               55
Rat Belly                            35

Close games are the bomb! Each and every person who was at this quiz needs to come back next week. C’mon, you want to know it wasn’t just a fluke, right? The only exception is for Brianna and Paul of Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebies, who are getting married and will be gone the next two Mondays. Congratulations to the happy couple!

All together now: Aaawwwwww!

Paul just realized what "married" means.

Speaking of being gone, your Quiz Mistress needs to be gone a Monday or two in September. The lovely Matt, who Quiz Masters elsewhere on Tuesdays, will be subbing for me. So if you see this guy where I’d normally be.....

.....don’t give him too much grief.

By the way, our second place finishers told me they work for the CIA and can’t have their photo on the blog because it would blow their cover. Unlike Karl Rove and Dick Cheney, I won’t leak their names to the press, but there's always a way around that photo thang:

Tell me truthfully: Do you think I’d make a great hand model?

And regardless of the scores, I love taking photos of ¡El Fantismo! each week. First, they faithfully show up to play. Second, I get shots like this:

Photogenic and fun!

Until next week, cats & kittens.....

The British Bulldog isn’t a huge space, so when the first query I got for the night was "We have 8 people at our table, but we’re going to play as 2 teams of 4 if that’s okay," I didn’t hesitate much. Mainly because both teams were sitting at the only tables in the Bulldog which a) can seat eight people and b) are directly in my view from on high.

Still, two or three other folks came up before the quiz to tell me there was a huge team sitting there and "I think you need to tell them about the 6-person limit rule."

What, don’t you trust me? Of course I enforce the rules, for I am the Quiz Mistress, keeper of the quiz and defender of the rules! (This attitude is probably why the cute girl closest to my perch – and a member of one of the two teams of four in question – kept calling me "Ms. Quiz Mistress Bitch" all night.) So from the outset, I promised to keep an eye on them and asked everyone to help do the same.

I think we all know they didn’t cheat. The first clue is that during more than one round, I noticed a member of one team leaning over their answer sheet and writing furtively while looking around to ensure no one could see the answer. It was just so cute watching them rabidly compete with one another. It brought a tear to my eye and hope to my weary soul.

The second (and more important) clue they didn't cheat is the scores, with 3 Women & a Baby tying with NIMH for 6th place, followed by Zombie Trout in 5th , while I (H)ate Peas and Fish & Chips came in 4th. Seriously, if you’re going to cheat, go for it. No sense coming in less than second place.

By the way, I’ve dubbed the team I (H)ate Peas because their answer sheets came in with both I Hate Peas and I Ate Peas written on them. I suppose there was some sort of peas battle going on at their table which got worse as the pint glasses emptied. Wish I could have seen it, but I was ensuring there was no cheating on the quiz, for I am the Quiz Mistress, keeper of the....

Nevermind.

The not-secret part of NIMH

They said the girl on the right is a poseur.
Funny what hot women get away with.

Overall, it’s nice to know we can all play nice. Also, it was nice to find that only one team really knows their drugs (Round 3: Controlled Substance or Some Shit We Made Up?). Really, it’s good that you don’t know that stuff. It’s dangerous. And said team shall remain nameless in case I ever need a hookup. (Kidding! I swear it!)

¡El Fantismo! and Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebies not only rocked Round 2 – My Boyfriend Lets Me Wash His IROC Z28, which was hysterical to me because my first husband owned an IROC Z – both teams jokered it, which gave You Know, for Kids a shot at getting past them for the rest of the night. But alas, it was not to be, as our first and second placers were both in the rarest of form. Behold! The two-point spread:

Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebies   67
¡El Fantismo!            65
You Know, for Kids       51
I (H)ate Peas            45
Fish & Chips             45
Zombie Trout             43
NIMH                     40
3 Women & a Baby         40

¡El Fantismo! – plus, team member Rachael won the bonus e-mail prize

Witness the 2-point might of Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebies

I was also going to complain about all the sports questions, but about half the teams rocked those answers. I don't know....."geek sports fan" seems counterintuitive to me, like "gay Republican" or "make war to keep peace."

See you next week, kids!

You could argue that Bronco Billy was a gay porn movie based on the simple fact that Sandra Locke never really exhibited much femininity on screen. She did, however, get to fuck Clint Eastwood for a few years and got a minor movie career out of the deal. I wouldn’t do it myself now, but in the 80s? Clint Eastwood was hot. Hot, I tell you!

Or maybe you’ll just have to trust me on that. Still, you should see a few of the Dirty Harry movies, if only to witness the giant compensator..... I mean gun..... Wait, that’s a gun, right?..... It looks like a gun, but I swear I have a vibrator that.....

The original, unaltered, un-PhotoShopped movie poster

Ooooooh. Now I know why I liked those movies so much.

Anyway, this week's quiz was a blast! ¡El Fantismo! made the leap to first place early on and pretty much stayed there based on their collective knowledge of 80s hair bands. I was slightly embarrassed to know so much about them myself.

¡El Fantismo!, whose favorite 80s band is Great White Lion Snake

I loved both the team name Dicker's Refugees and some of their answers for the same round: “These songs all sound sorta the same” and “I should get a haircut and take off the eye makeup.” Both of which, incidentally, I regularly say to emo kids. (insert rimshot here)

Dicker's Refugees, not to be confused with Dicker's Expatriates

The guy in the back of the photo is Kurt, who played the quiz alone all night and did not come in last place. He's a helluva nice guy, too. Hooray, Kurt!

Last night also celebrated the return – okay, well at least 3 of them plus a guest – of Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebies, and one of their members made his return known by winning not one, not two, but three of the night’s bonus questions. That’s three free pints from the Bulldog for one dude (yep, that would be Paul) who may or may not still be on painkillers (for the injury mentioned in last week's blog). While I hear beer goes really well with Vicodin, I wouldn’t know for sure, since my one-two-punch combo of choice is Percocet and absinthe.

Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebies + a 'stache

If that guy on the right looks familiar, that’s Loki. The one-and-only Ukulele Loki If you haven’t seen a Folderol Follies / Gadabout Orchestra show yet, it’s a must-see. Better than that even, I heard from the man himself: He’s becoming a Geeks Who Drink Quiz Master, too! The multiple talents of the QM’s never cease to amaze and astound.

On a personal note, every time I see the guy, I get this song stuck in my head for hours. So thanks for that, Loki. I'll see what I can do about returning the favor one day.

Newcomers (at least to me) the No Barn Barn Dancers not only came in second, but proved that geeks can be really attractive. Seriously, take a look:

Don't hate us because we're beautiful

I wish I’d gotten a photo of the girls who chatted me up while waiting at the ladies room door. Damn, we have a pretty crowd on Mondays! Between that and the peshawari chicken, I was in heaven all night long.

Scores!

¡El Fantismo!                    71
The No Barn Barn Dancers         66
Nerf Herders                     65
Off the Wagon                    60
Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebies           60
Dicker’s Refugees                52
Kurt                             50
As Seen on TV                    40
Kevin & John                      7

By the way, if you have any questions about the tunes I play each week, come up and ask me. I’m not a DJ, I’m a music lover – the difference is the level of derision heaped upon you when you ask “Who does that song?”

Actually, I’m lying. There’s a little less derision, but it'll still be there.

Until next week, kids, stay dry, cool, and as good-lookin' as you are!

I didn’t know Falco was dead. I don’t think anyone at the Bulldog last night knew that, but there it was in Round 3, Death by Motor Vehicle or Aircraft?

Memento Mori
1957 - 1998

Falco’s first US hit was “Der Commisar” (Don’t turn around, whoa oh oh / Der Commisar’s in town, whoa oh oh) waaaaaay back in 1982, but he really hit the big time with “Rock Me Amadeus” in 1986. I know all this because I was there, rockin’ out to Falco and everything else in the 80s.

If you're younger than 30, you may have heard his music from your parents, if you heard it at all. The 80s were nearly a full decade of one-hit wonders on radio. Look up the Billboard music history and you’ll see a few artists – like Madonna, Beastie Boys, and a few other notable exceptions – made it out with career intact and are still rockin’.

Me, I wrote my high school senior term paper – in 1984, gasp! – on the advent of MTV. My personal history is part of what has made me such a Geek-with-a-capital-G, my lovelies. I wish I had time to go play the quiz somewhere each week, because I would totally kick major ass for my team.

Anyway, when I ask quiz questions about 1980s movies or music and someone yells out “I wasn’t even born yet,” I may make snide or sarcastic comments, but I don’t get angry or sad or even feel particularly old. I left the 80s behind in 1990.

Nowadays (that is such an old person’s word, ain’t it?) I’m stuck on bands like She Wants Revenge, Muse, The Birthday Massacre, and I adore Beck’s recent stuff. I’m also co-producing some upcoming shows here in Denver over the next two months (Android Lust, Combichrist, and Haujobb.....go look them up and give a listen). Evolution is key to looking and staying young, kids. So is a healthy dose of sex and drugs and rock and roll.

Still, it’s a little weird to realize one is old enough to be the bartender’s mother. Yikes.

Victoria - Bulldog bartender and resident young'un

And no shit, I still have that MTV term paper. I really need to clean out the attic.

As for the quiz, let’s all send get well wishes to Paul of Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebies, who (word has it) injured his foot and hasn’t been able to make the quiz the past two weeks. The team suffered in your absence last week, but this week they didn’t even bother to show up at all. We miss your ass-kicking asses. Well, I do, anyway.

Oh, and welcome back Nerfherders! Haven't seen that team name since I was training to be a Quiz Mistress awhile back. Also, it's not necessary to come in first or second place to get your photo on the blog here. Thanks to team Hammy, who sat still for 10 seconds after the quiz to allow me to show you thus:

Lads and ladies, I present to you: Hammy!

¡El Fantismo! was short on people but not on smiles

Oh Don Piano! gave Santori Time a run for their money last night, staying in first place by mucho points until the last question of the final round. When I scored Round 8, I was pretty excited myself.....I love a close game:

Santori Time        74
Oh Don Piano!       71
Nerfherders         65
¡El Fantismo!       62
Fun Club            53
Hammy               39

Oh Don Piano: The first name in talking cats!

Santori Time is too hardcore for Falco

I make no promises that next week's quiz won't inspire a music history lesson blog in me. But then, I don't write the questions.....

See you next week!

Tiebreakers and sudden death seem to be a regularity for us there at the Bulldog.

Last week we had three teams tied for 2nd place and this week we had two teams tied for 1st. I’m nearly out of tiebreakers and sudden death questions, kids, but I’ll be sure to stock up since the quiz scores seem to be getting closer and closer each week.

It makes for an exciting time, though, doesn’t it? Personally, I would have preferred to have it last a bit longer, but that’s only because I’m headed to the dentist first thing in the morning. I would have liked an excuse to cancel the appointment, no matter what kind of irrational justification I had to use. “Sorry, I was out drinking and carousing with the GWD crew, I have to reschedule,” no matter how idiotic it sounds, is better than a root canal and crown any day of the damned week.

And I know it’s hot outside, but is it so hot you can’t come out to play the 100% free, way fun pub quiz on Monday nights with us? Seriously, where are my homies? You can’t all be on vacation at once. If you are, I reserve the right to start rumors about where you are and what you’re doing. Hell, I might just do that anyway ... you’re not around to stop me.

What I’m attempting to say, wrapped as it may be in idle threats, is that we miss you on Mondays my friends. These hot summer nights are bleak and pointless without you. Actually, they’re not all that bleak or all that pointless, but they are getting a bit lonely, so tell your friends, family, and colleagues to form teams and join us Mondays. They won’t regret it. Much.

Besides, the Oneders came all the way down from Longmont to play. Sure, they gave me shit all night about how to pronounce their name, but at least they showed up, taking 4th place overall. I wish I'd gotten a better picture, but it's a new camera (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it).

Wonders, O'Needers, One-deers, The Needies ...
whatever!

We Frak Cylons took 3rd, but didn't stick around for a photo to be taken. Another missed 15 minutes of blog fame, yo.

Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebies and ¡El Fantismo! proved their teams are fully back in form, being the two tied for 1st place. A few minutes and questions later, the final standings were:

Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebies 74
¡El Fantismo!          73
We Frak Cylons         66
The Oneders            63
3-1-2                  35
The Penis Mightiers    21
Orgasmic Stringbeans   10

¡El Fantismo!, which evidently translates to "really confused dude"

Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebies know how dirty Han Solo is

Kudos to the Penis Mightiers for the team name that made me laugh every time I said it out loud. Go ahead, say it with me, you'll see: Penis Mightiers. Pee-niss My-tee-urs.

See what amusement you can get at the quiz, folks?

Speaking of which, I plan to be at the Irish Rover this Wednesday night to shake the hand of their special guest - browse on over to the Rover's blog to find out who. If I don't see you there, see you next week at the British Bulldog!