*****UPDATE:**** Denver's own Russ Esposito of Slump Buster fame has published a response to Philly on Johnny Goodtimes's blog. Check it out here.
****UPDATE:**** The Philadelphia Inquirer published a brief profile of Johnny Goodtimes Geek Bowl squad. Check it here
And now, a few words from longtime quizmaster and first time Geek Bowl player, Johnny Goodtimes:
Hello, my name is Johnny Goodtimes. For the uninitiated, I have been a Quizmaster in Philadelphia for several years, and it was my illustrious and spectacular Quizzo Bowl that served as the model for Dicker's penny-ante knock-off Geek Bowl. Winning Geek Bowl is like winning the MVP of the Canadian Football League, but I have decided that it is high time that me and some of my friends from Philly do it anyway. I want to apologize in advance for the smackdown we are going to lay on those of you who will be attending the Geek Bowl festivities.
It is my understanding that Geek Bowl was won last year by a team from Albuquerque. Since it was the first time anybody had ever done anything of note in Albuquerque, I assume they had a ticker tape parade. As I see it, Albuquerque serves one purpose and one purpose only: as a 3rd Round Word in Middle School Spelling Bees. I'm kidding of course. Albuquerque has many fine attributes. For example, multiple "Qs". But this year, the team from the ABQ is going to be coldcocked.
In Geek Bowl II, the prize went to a team from Colorado Springs. Let's stack up our city (Philadelphia) with their city. We live in the city where the Declaration of Independence was written, where the Constitution was signed, and where the Liberty Bell resides. Colorado Springs, on the other hand, is a place where the US Bobsled team works out. So as you can see, it's really a toss-up as to who has the more accomplished town.
Boulder (or as I like to call it, "The Poor Man's Colorado Springs") is also scheduled to have a few teams in Geek Bowl. Boulder is best known as being "The Place Where Rashaan Salaam went to college" and for having the most White-People-With-Dreadlocks per capita in the U.S. Here is a comprehensive list of other things people find interesting about Boulder.
1)
Austin, Texas is bringing up a team or two. You might know Austin as being the only city in Texas that doesn't utterly and totally suck. Congratulations. Being the best city in Texas is kind of like being the best gulag in Russia.
Of course, we'd be remiss to not mention the host city for this minor league all-star game, Denver. We love Denver, and not just because they always claim our sloppy seconds (Allen Iverson, Brian Dawkins, Correl Buckhalter, etc.) We also love how literally it's citizens take the nickname, "The Mile High City". Meeting a Denver citizen who doesn't smoke dope is like meeting an Albuquerque resident who doesn't wish they lived somewhere else. We want to thank Denver for putting on this Battle of the Also-Rans, and we will try to maintain the suspense until the final round by missing a few questions to keep it interesting.
In closing, I want to wish everyone playing the best of luck in this upcoming Geek Bowl, and while the competition for First won't be very close, I really think that battle for 2nd Place could be one for the ages! So tighten up your Birkenstocks, trim your neck hair, and eat your granola, Denver. Philadelphia is coming to town...and we're bringing hell with us.
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Do bring that wife beater you're ingloriously sporting under your 1997 bowling shirt though, it will come in handy to mop up your tears on the flight home. That is if you don't already have a pink McNabb Eagles jersey permanently affixed to your hip, handy in case your team has to choke its way out of the playoffs.
I like the looks of the black-haired lasses much better Johnny DumbTimes. You're already improving your lady-killer skills. Kudos.
Also, much like Confederate Railroad, I too like my women just a little on the trashy side. Its already two weeks into OH-TEN and I have yet to contract Chlamydia.
So I say bring all the east coast, Gudio lookin', Gotti girls you can - Southwest airlines flies from PHI to DEN and you can check two bags for free so pack all the cocaine and hookers you can fit in your luggae. Speaking of cocaine and hookers, Philly also is the home to my namesake, CLUB OZZ, which is one of the finest strip clubs in the world. Check out their Yelp in think provided- the place is amazing!
Johnny Goodtimes, pay no attention to these GDMFN CSUCKERS and come find me, give me a bump and introduce me to your special lady friends because I think you are good people!
Representin' the 2-1-5. Word.
I think I'll take my better times and shack up with QMJ and Ozzy Zion that weekend.
Colorado has been in the midwest since Philly became part of New England. 1876, I think. But more importantly, nice to see that in regard to the phrase "midwest humps", you only objected to the "midwest" part. Good work.
Also, at what time will the geeking commence/doors open? I couldn't find that info anywhere.
there's a reason the quizmasters (even the ones who've never met me) scream my name.
Here's the thing about Philly. It's a dump and everyone who lives there apparently lives in the past. The Constitution? The Liberty Bell? Those aren't really topics GWD would cover.
The best thing to come out of Philly lately is It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, a show about the degenerate citizens that live there. This is the city who's most famous and recognizable piece of public art is a statue of a fictional boxer who also happened to be mildly retarded. Sweet.
Let me see if I can guess your team name:
I'm Not Retarded, I'm Just From Philly
Philladelphia: The Next Detroit
Crackton Trivia Posse
Brother Can You Spare a Tooth
What Would Rocky Do
Riding On History's Coattails
His teeth don't look like they are from New England, you can only find that kind of neglect in jolly Old England.
Furthermore, he brings up the Phildelphia Story as the setting of cinematic masterpiece, when with his visage, and choice of partner, he obviously belongs in the far more apropos Philadelphia. The story of a lonely Philadelphian, forced to grab the nearest Guido for a photo opportunity, until a bad case of AIDS (Obviously full blown at this point in our story) forces him to be fired from his second tier quizmastering job in a fourth tier city. Clinging to life, and the nearest tattooed trannytrash that he can find, he hires Denzel McNabbington to see if he can get his job back, and suck down one more (cockblast) Appletini before going into the great goodnight that is.
I hail from Colorado Springs, and while I completely agree with your assessment of 'Burque ("we've got that one place with the green chile!"), Boulder ("where the spare-changers drive LandRovers") Austin ("like a more vapid Portland") and, of course, Denver ("home of Colorado's black person"), I'm sorely disappointed that you didn't cite religious intolerance as one of the Springs' hallmarks. We invented that shit.
Also, your name is Johnny Goodtimes. I'm sorry that The Situation was already taken.
Of course the slovenly east coasters prefer a more sedentary lifestyle. Perhaps you could visit one of our world class micro breweries, or our distillary (don't believe Philly has one of those). Hell, this town drinks more per capita than any other city in the country so you ought to find plenty to keep you busy and yacking under a table...
This is fun.
http://www.wikihow.com/Use-You're-and-Your
And don't worry, Goodtimes, we'll remember that you and your wannabe geeks are easy drunks, and take care of you by sending lots of drinks to your table. You'll have a great time, but you certainly will not win.
@ Dan - It's better than folding to a team whose state relies on casinos and a two month ski season ;)
1) Thank goodness for Philly -- keeping the ugly girls out of the Rocky Mountains since 1682.
2) What Johnny Goodtimes lacks in top shirt buttons, he makes up for in bad taste.
Mizz Head- I liked the movie Ski School as much as the next guy, but thats no reason to build a state around it.
Texas players, the same goes for you. Case of Lone Star.
Denver, you have nothing that fascinates my stomach and sadly that's the only way I can be bribed.
Love us or hate us, you better learn to love us, because we're going to march through Denver like Sherman marched through the South.
Actually, I take that back. My favorite part is that Johnny thinks he's something special because he got a trannie to pose with him.
And what's with the Philly nonsense? New York's pasty stepbrother. Man, the last time that city gave us anything of value, it was the 18th century. Unless, like Johnny, you live in a world of fiction, in which case it gave us the setting for a fictional boxer and two stock traders that trade places.
1-800-DENTIST
As to remarks about my physical attraction, let me just say this. I have dated women you knuckle draggling ingrates have only dreamed about.
I have travelled the world drinking the finest wines, eating the freshest caviar, and enjoyed the company of the most beautiful women. Meanwhile, you all have been drinking Mad Dog, eating croaker, and watching news about Roxxy the Sex Robot with eager anticipation. You disgust me, and you should be honored that I would even share the same room as you basement-living nerd vermin.
At least the girls out here can go hiking and play halo without worrying about the integrity of their manicures. And can probably drink you under the table without tripping on their stilettos. While our nerds might watch sex robots on the news, you, sir, have probably dated many more robots than science can muster up
God, I need a double-bacon cheese burger and a scotch....
Since Denver seems to be losing on paper I did some investigation and indeed found that nothing has ever happened in Denver...ever. So that will have to be one subject to avoid as a Denverite in this debate. As far as famous people, you guys have the unbelievable and unbeatable 1-2 punch of Karl Rove and Kip Winger! Game over. Match Denver.