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The Highball
1142 S Lamar Blvd
Austin, TX 78704
Wednesdays: 8:00 PM
View All Posts
Comment Now
11:06 AM, March 01, 2015
Scores
knope way we're gonna lose 82

fleetwood mac sex pants 78

even my tongue is fat 77

punk ass book jockeys 75

the perdverts 75

fish is practically a vegetable 71

requiem for a tuesday 71

we didn't start the great pawnee fire 70

warm bathtub of my jazz 69

drunken savages 68

literally the best lamplighters in dunshire 68

the reasonablists 67

team name redacted swansons 67

split that commish 64

low cal calzone zone 63

a lovely fisting 63

scarecrow boat 62

bone thugs and harmoniums 62

the cone bras of dunshire 61

one cock ring to bind them 61

the bruno mars of texas amateur pub quizzes 61

it says you could have network connectivity problems 60

literally the best team 59

slack jaw lumber sexuals 59

the four horse meals of the egg pork a lypse 57

just the tip 56

trivia team proximity asscociates 55

ron swanson?s meat stick 53

pikitas! 53

team name 53

workplace proximity acquaintances 52

ramsett park 52

appropriate amount of cooks 49

j shot 49

karate dragon jack o laternĀ  49

chiki chiki parm parm 49

nothing rhymes with blorange 48

pawnee animal control unit 420 47

chard ons 47

bros of dunshire 47

smooth as silver 46

jean ralphio gave me turtle flu 44

threat level midnight 44

fart attack 43

the nopes 40

mayor gunderson?s dog 39

team friendship 39

tequila mockingbird 38

the pawnee goddesses 37

i salsa your face 35

janet's snakehole 34

farts and procreations 34

hardcore knopin 33

the chestnut hair sunfish 32

2 doors down 30

memories of now 28

lin lin 26

whiz palace royalty 9

Professor D


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Quiz Schedule
Thursdays at 7 pm, Rogness Brewing Company Tap Room (as of 3/16) Mondays at 8 pm, Abel's North
Gerald (Professor D)

During the day, I encourage people to buy beer. At night, I host pub quizzes and I encourage people to buy beer while asking them random questions. Jobs are weird.

My uncle used to call me "professor" when I was a kid. I'm not really a professor.

I drive a truck that might be older than you.

I do the best Hank Hill impression you'll ever hear, unless you know Mike Judge.

I live with my wife, Deirdre, here in Austin. She's a badass floral designer and excellent lady.

We like Skyrim, whiskey, and beer - not necessarily in that order.

From the desk of (Fake) Ron Swanson:

It is not often that I am called upon to write anything, but as writing this so-called blog takes away from any time I must spend in a government office, I consider it a worthwhile endeavor.

I am typing this on my Underwood 5, and then handing it off to Jerry Gergich to actually type into the website. Any errors are entirely his fault.

There was a very large crowd in attendance for the Parks and Recreation television show themed pub quiz at The Highball in Austin, an establishment with a very nice wooden floor made from their old bowling alley. I will always respect reclaimed lumber usage.

There were a total of 55 teams in play for the event, and they all appeared to enjoy themselves. If anyone did not enjoy themselves, they did not tell me. For that, I am grateful, as I generally make it a point to not involve myself in other people’s affairs.

We were pleased to have an employee of the Austin Parks and Recreation Department with us during team sign-ups. Shelley Parks (and yes, I’m assured that is her real last name) was on hand to distribute brochures and information about the department’s work within the Austin area. While I don’t normally compliment government offices, I will make an exception for the Austin Parks Department, as they do good work. You may read their website HERE.

Round One was Happy Galentine’s Day. The average score for this round was 3.83, with the top score being a 7, achieved by several teams.

Round Two (God’s Way of Determining Who’s Smart & Who’s Poor) was a round on the wit and wisdom of me, Ron Swanson. Average score on this round was 5.31, with We Didn’t Start the Great Pawnee Fire and Low-Cal Calzone Zone posting perfect scores.

Round Three, Treat Yo’ Self, had an average score of 6.33, with many teams achieving a perfect 8 on this 50/50 round. I believe it was at this time that my scorekeeper, Jean-Ralphio, known to many of you as James Pound, decided to dance like a lunatic in very close proximity to my person. Being that I was hosting a public event, I declined to punch him in the nose, because I am a professional.

Round Four, Pawnee Rocks!, concerned the various musicians who have appeared on the show. The average score was 5.74, and again, several teams aced the round.

I’m not sure why I’m posting all these statistics, but Ben Wyatt suggested it was a good idea, and he had a most disturbing gleam in his eye when he did so. He tried to tell me that I could also represent the scores from the quiz as a graph, but I threw him out of my office.

Round Five (Ron Swanson’s Secret Stache) required you all to correctly identify people masquerading as me by wearing a crude mustache. The average score was 5.61. A mustache is not that much of a disguise, people.

Round Six (You Got Jammed!) was a round on the sleazy and horrible characters residing within Pawnee, of which there are many. Average for the round was 4.4, so perhaps you all are doing a decent job of not associating with such ne’er do-wells.

Round Seven was your only audio round of the night, Pawnee Chamber of Commerce. You were asked to identify Pawnee businesses featured or discussed in the audio clips played. It would appear that this was the round on which most of you performed best, as the average was 6.95.

After Round Seven, we were also treated to a performance of “5,000 Candles in the Wind” by Mr Chase Gassaway of Austin. His rendition was a spirited one, and an excellent tribute to a fine animal, Li’l Sebastian. It was heartwarming to see people singing along. You can view Chase’s website HERE. Also, HERE is a video of the performance and the audience enjoying said performance, provided that Jerry can do his one job.

Round Eight, as it always goes with Geeks Who Drink quizzes, was random knowledge. It was also the only 16 point round of the quiz. The average for the round was 7.8, and the overwhelming majority of teams used their joker to double their points on the round. Two teams got 15 out of 16 possible points on this round: Fleetwood Mac Sex Pants, and Knope Way We’re Gonna Lose.

Speaking of those two teams, they finished second and first, respectively. Team Fleetwood Mac Sex Pants received a Pawnee Goddesses vest crafted by Geeks Who Drink Austin’s own Leslie Knope, QM  Anna Bee. The first place team, the confidently and accurately named Knope Way We’re Gonna Lose, received $630 dollars in cash. I recommend that they invest it in gold and bury it somewhere no one can find it, like I have. Or have I?

The team with the best name as decided upon by the quizmasters, Literally the Best Lamplighters in Dunshire,  took home a framed memorial print of Li’l Sebastian. I hope they display it with pride upon a well-crafted shelf.

We awarded a Chris Traeger Optimism Award for the last place team that stayed for the whole quiz. That award, a small three legged stuffed dog just like Champion, went to Memories of Now.

The Tom Haverford Best Dressed Award, a pair of waffle socks, went to Punk Ass Book Jockeys.

The Gergich Award was given to the median team in 26th place, Just the Tip, who received an inflatable saxophone.

The Ron Swanson Award for Promptness went to the first team registered, Workplace Proximity Acquaintances.

End of blog.

(Fake) Ron Swanson

---

And now, speaking as Quizmaster Gerald, may I just say it was an absolute blast to host for you all as Ron. This was my first time hosting a theme quiz, and I cannot think of one I would have wanted to host more than this one. Thanks to The Highball and all of you for coming out to play, and special thanks to my fellow QMs for assisting: James Pound as Jean-Ralphio Saperstein, Anna Bee as Leslie Knope, Chelsea Wright as Burt Macklin/Andy Dwyer, and Audrey Acosta as Tammy Two.

One final note: several of QMs and quizzers went out for drinks and dinner post-quiz, and FLIPPED OUR SHIT when we got multiple tweets back from Garry Gergich himself, Jim O’Heir. Check out my Twitter timeline (@Professor_D) if you want to see what he wrote back to some of us.

Cheers,

Quizmaster Gerald

ps – I’m clean shaven today, and it’s the WEIRDEST THING IN THE WORLD. I haven’t seen my chin for almost five years, I think. My partner Deirdre keeps looking at me like I’m an alien.

The Highball
1142 S Lamar Blvd
Austin, TX 78704
Wednesdays: 8:00 PM
View All Posts
Comment Now
2:01 PM, February 26, 2015
Scores
Mark and the Beards 79

Stomp the Yard Infant 78

Bonobos 77

Butt Monsignor That's My Anus! 75

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 75

Scrotal Recall 74

ISIS is Not Very Nisis 73

Bathrooms in the Corner 72

Better Late Than Pregnant 71

Scratch 'n' Sniff 71

Knope Springs Eternal 70

Good Riddance 69

3 Men and a Babe 68

Putting It in Shirley Temple is Fucking Adorable 68

Bishop's Finger 65

Tamale Balls 63

We're Gonna Leave Early to Get Pizza 59

WhoreAds 58

Zazzles 57

Same Name, Different Bar 56

Taco Corp 55

Jim Carrey 49

Moosehead Marauders 46

Booty Smack 44

50 Shades of Liability 36

Panti-Christ 22

The South First Hobos 17

Almost Puking 11

Kavi Kardoshian


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Quiz Schedule
7pm Tuesdays at the Drag Bar
8pm Sundays at Black Star Co-op (scorekeeper)
Kavi Kardos (Kavi Kardoshian)

And I would do anything for love
I'd run right into hell and back
I would do anything for love
I'd never lie to you and that's a fact
But I'll never forget the way you feel right now,
Oh no, no way
And I would do anything for love, but I won't do that
No, I won't do that

Anything for love
Oh, I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love, but I won't do that
No, I won't do that

Some days it don't come easy
Some days it don't come hard
Some days it don't come at all, and these are the days that never end
Some nights you're breathing fire
Some nights you're carved in ice
Some nights you're like nothing I've ever seen before or will again

Maybe I'm crazy, but it's crazy and it's true
I know you can save me, no-one else can save me now but you

As long as the planets are turning
As long as the stars are burning
As long dreams are coming true
You'd better believe it, that I would do

Anything for love
And I'l be there until the final act
I would do anything for love, and I'll take a vow and seal a pact
But I'll never forgive myself if we don't go all the way, tonight
I would do anything for love
Oh, I would do anything for love
Oh, I would do anything for love, but I won't do that
No, I won't do that

I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that

Some days I pray for silence
Some days I pray for soul
Some days I just pray to the god of sex and drums and rock 'n' roll
Some nights I lose the feeling
Some nights I lose control
Some nights I just lose it all when I watch you dance and the thunder rolls

Maybe I'm lonely, that's all I'm qualified to be
That's just one and only, the one and only promise I can keep

As long as the wheels are turning
As long as the fires are burning
As long as your prayers are coming true
You'd better believe it, that I would do

Anything for love
And you know it's true and that's a fact
I would do anything for love, and there'll never be no turning back
But I'll never do it better than I do it with you. So long, so long
I would do anything for love
Oh, I would do anything for love
Oh, I would do anything for love, but I won't do that
No, I won't do that
No, no, no, I won't do...

I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do...

But I'll never stop dreaming of you ev'ry night of my life, no way
I would do anything for love
Oh, I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love, but I won't do that
No, I won't do that

Will you raise me up? will you help me down?
Will you get me right out of this godforsaken town?
Will you make it all a little less cold?

Will you hold me sacred? Will you hold me tight?
Can you colourise my life, I'm so sick of black and white?
Can you make it all a little less old?

Will you make me some magic with your own two hands?
Will you build and emerald city with these grains of sand?
Can you give me something I can take home?

Will you cater to every fantasy I got?
Will you hose me down with holy water, if I get too hot?
Will you take me places I've never known?

After a while you'll forget everything
It was a brief interlude and a midsummer night's fling
And you'll see that it's time to move on

I know the territory, I've been around
It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down
Sooner or later you'll be screwing around

Anything for love
Oh, I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love, but I won't do that
No, I won't do that

John and I are very #sorrynotsorry for showing you the topmost portion of Mark Wahlberg's fake penis during last night's quiz. In fact, you're welcome for that clip. It's been a while since I watched Boogie Nights, but I'm pretty sure that's one of the greatest instances of faux dong display in cinematic history. You don't get to see Eric Bana's big green wanger in Hulk, do you? No, you do not.

In case you missed those Abe Vigoda Watch URLs I ran off for you last night, here they are again: You can visit, at any time of day or night, either abevigoda.com or isabevigodadead.com to learn the status of Abe Vigoda's existence on this earth. I personally recommend the original abevigoda.com, as its URL is simpler and the site itself is more robust. It even features a musical accompaniment by someone named Spinn. Abate your late-night Vigoda-based fears with the click of a mouse. Again, you're welcome.

It was a pleasure to score all 224 of your answer sheets last night, Highball (well, sort of. John helped... a little). As it turns out, the enviably svelte James was out on safari for the evening, but he wanted me to let you know that he wishes he could have been there to do a little 50 Shades-style role playing with John.

By the way, if you're jonesing for a chance to watch 50 Shades without feeling the guilt of paying for a straightforward ticket, may I recommend a very timely mocking of that steaming pile of filmic crap by Austin's heroes, Master Pancake? Tomorrow night's shows are sold out, but there are more to come. Just imagine what the timeout scene in the middle of show will look like. I bet we'll see John Erler's butt.

On behalf of John and James and myself, plus the rest of the Drafthouse family, I wanted to issue a huge thanks to those of you who donated to a very worthy cause last night - as you likely heard, two beloved employees of the Alamo Drafthouse passed away in the last month due to very unexpected circumstances. The money you guys gave will go to help out their families during an obviously tough time.

Until next time, friends! Stay warm and dry this weekend - it's gonna be a doozy. You're a star, Highball. You're a big, bright, shining star.

The Highball
1142 S Lamar Blvd
Austin, TX 78704
Wednesdays: 8:00 PM
View All Posts
Comment Now
1:22 AM, February 19, 2015
Scores
Preppy Douchenozzle 84

Ash Ketchum Wednesday (2nd) 81

Stomp The Yard, Infant (3rd) 81

Tiny Little Butts 79

MacGruber And Thunderchoad 75

Unlimbered Junk 75

Short 73

Team Fetlife 69

Babies On Unicycles 68

My Mother Was A Hamster 67

Scratch N Sniff 67

Awkward Grindr Date 66

Mexican Poutine Tamale Balls 64

Basic Bitch 63

JORTS 63

Engorged Members Only Jacket 60

Fluck Puckers 60

It's Not Lupus 60

50 Shades Of Spongebob 60

I Thought This Was SPEED DATING 58

David Gomez 55

Wayne's Not Here, Man! 50

I Don't Know 41

Donyetsk Why I'm Here 32

Blue Team 19

James Sterling Pound


Twitter
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Quiz Schedule
Mondays 8PM @ Kick Butt Coffee, Tuesdays 8PM @ Pinthouse Pizza, Wednesdays 7PM @ The Highball
James (James Sterling Pound)

James is a Movie Geek, Comic Geek, Music Geek, Internets Geek, and Beer Geek.

Hey Highball, good to be back. Mighty fine quizzing from you guys, and delight to have our new friend Estevan from SXSW Gaming hanging out and spreading the good word. I mean, you might be able to play video games alongside the Walking Dead creator?! Neat. Don’t miss that free shit. Quiz breakdown, go!

We started out misquoting fools, then straightened things back out with Jesus and some impressively accurate churchy parodies/covers. Then we had a the epic battle of insufferableness between grown men wearing face makeup and making lewd gestures, ICP v KISS. It was even split on answers about both of them, so I suppose the battle of suckitude rages on. Next we ragged on Massachusetts for some reason and found out Spotify has a wide array of songs about that state. Round Five was enjoyable, but I wish they had taken the meta “checkmate” move and grafted Nic Cage’s face onto John Travolta playing Nic Cage in Face/Off. I guess they feared for all the exploded minds messing up the newly restored dance floor (Yay, shiny!). 

Then we talked cold things and you guys mixed up your shitty Batman movies. Just remember, Mr. Freeze made Batman cold and nippily, and it put the franchise on ice, Rob(in)ing us from another Batman movie for 8 years. Ergo, Batman & Robin. You’re welcome. Our video Round employed that pretty great web cartoon series, “How It Should’ve Ended”, and yielded a butt load of perfect scores. Which team thought Starlord was in The Lego Movie? I mean technically… Finally we corked it with skrimfps, prodigy lady singers, pervert former CEOs, and some less heralded Spielberg works.

A fun lightening round ABCDees Nuts where we only had three individual letters for contestants to work with, S-X-W. Boy did the Xs clear the table easily. Still, never say never that Xena: Warrior Princess movie might come down the pipeline someday. Hollywood is totally ridiculous you know.

Thanks again for the frivolity gang. Good to laugh. Have a wonderful week, we’ll see ya next Wednesday for some cold hard cash.


PARKS & REC QUIZ, FEB 28th! Load up on waffles, start re-watching and building your binders of notes!

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