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The Irish Hound
575 Saint Paul Street
Denver, CO 80206
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12:58 PM, December 06, 2012
Scores
That Ain't Gravy 67
It's Christmas 56
The Fort 47
A Bedtime Story For You.
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Mondays at Ernie's, Wednesdays at the Denver Wrangler, Saturdays at Prickly Pete's, and Sundays at Brendan's 404. 		John LaHendro (Look At This F**king Quizmaster)

Johnny was raised in the Swiss Alps by his grandfather and often has trouble differentiating his life from the movie Heidi.  He has a completely worthless degree in Creative Writing from the University Of Colorado, which he has parlayed into never getting a real job.  When he's not quizzing, he can be found drinking good scotch and cheap beer and bitching about how Charles Bukowski has completely ruined his life.  John is currently living in a remote area of south Denver, which he knows for a fact to be Denver due to the large number of DPD officers he sees hanging around his apartment complex.  His hobbies include watching old episodes of Mystery Science Theatre, playing classic Nintendo games, and making fun of your favorite band.  He also sometimes confuses his life with that of Batman and is currently trying to track down the Joker and bring him to justice.

Well, last night was our last night at the Hound for a while.  I’m a little sad about it, and I know you are too.  But we don’t want to leave you with something depressing, so instead I’m going to tell you the tale of the naughtiest hobbit ever.

Once upon a time there was a hobbit from the Shire named Pio.  Pio was a simple hobbit with simple hobbit tastes.  He enjoyed fine scotch, internet porn, and photoshop.  Then one day a representative from the Middle Earth government recruited Pio for an experiment called Weapon X.  Did this experiment give him an amazing adamantium skeleton and claws? No. It only gave him some pretty awesome sideburns.

Now, as was custom in Pio’s part of the Shire, the preferred look was nonthreatening androgyny, like Elijah Wood or Andy Manshel. And so the counsel of clean shave elders banished Pio to the magical land of Seattle, the great realm of magic wizards who do too much heroin and record grunge music. Pio, with his signature look, had no trouble securing a job with the great American computer company that isn’t Apple. Or Google. You know, the other one.  The one that’s the opposite of big and hard. 

There he found his true calling of convincing people that they wanted to use Bing.  In his spare time he pursued his hobbies of drinking expensive scotches and paying extra so the prostitute would let him choke her.

And then one day he met a magical hooker who told him that she really was a magical fairy who was trapped in the form of prostitute by the evil witch Andy.  The only way she could be freed from these bonds was for Pio to choke her unconscious during sex and then put her in the trunk of his car.  So, being the noble degenerate he is , he obliged her in the quest to be free.  Turned out she wasn’t actually a fairy just someone who didn’t want to live anymore.

And so now, Pio wanders the land killing prostitutes in hopes that they are magical fairies needing to be freed, leaving a trail of dead bodies in his wake.  But at least he isn’t trying to sell you on Bing.  And that is the magical story of Pio, the hobbit turned mutant who kills prostitutes and drinks scotch.

Good night, kids.  That’s for now.  We’ll see you real soon.

The Irish Hound
575 Saint Paul Street
Denver, CO 80206
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12:12 PM, November 29, 2012
Scores
That Ain't Gravy 70
Moves Like Jagermeister 68
Trey's Birthday 49
D 32
Even If He Wasn't An Assassin, Chuck Barris Is Still A Hardcore Motherfucker
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Mondays at Ernie's, Wednesdays at the Denver Wrangler, Saturdays at Prickly Pete's, and Sundays at Brendan's 404. 		John LaHendro (Look At This F**king Quizmaster)

Johnny was raised in the Swiss Alps by his grandfather and often has trouble differentiating his life from the movie Heidi.  He has a completely worthless degree in Creative Writing from the University Of Colorado, which he has parlayed into never getting a real job.  When he's not quizzing, he can be found drinking good scotch and cheap beer and bitching about how Charles Bukowski has completely ruined his life.  John is currently living in a remote area of south Denver, which he knows for a fact to be Denver due to the large number of DPD officers he sees hanging around his apartment complex.  His hobbies include watching old episodes of Mystery Science Theatre, playing classic Nintendo games, and making fun of your favorite band.  He also sometimes confuses his life with that of Batman and is currently trying to track down the Joker and bring him to justice.

What fun was had by all.  We are quite happy that Trey decided to celebrate his birthday with us, despite the fact that one of his companions hates American Tail for some reason.  Also, in the picture I took, Trey, you kinda look like Zachary Quinto, which isn’t a bad thing per se, but I’ve been watching American Horror Story.  And I know what you’re up to.

I mentioned it last night, but if you have never read Chuck Barris’ Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, you really should.  Sure, there’s a film version featuring George Clooney and Sam Rockwell, which is excellent, but you don’t really get how batshit insane this man is until you read his own words.  The fucker thought he was an assassin for the CIA.  Still does, as far as I know.  And to be honest if he was producing The Dating Game, The Newlywed Game, and The Gong Show all while murdering Soviet operatives, well that is one hell of an accomplishment.

In other news, you know how much youtube parody songs suck?  Turns out they suck even more when they are about football.  I mean, holy shit those were awful.  And in the back of my mind, I can’t help but think that the guy who did the Tebow version of Benny and the Jets probably jizzed in his pants when he heard about the trade.  His whole life’s work was building up to making that song.  Now he can die happy, which I encourage him to do as soon as possible.

Finally, in regards to Muppets; I love them and they terrify me.  They are like most of the relations I’ve been in in my life.  Terrifying, but fun.  I don’t know what I would do if the Muppets ever went away.  I will say this though, the whole Kevin Clash thing makes me very sad.  I don’t know if I believe the allegations, but I won’t write him off as being innocent either.  I just find the whole thing depressing.  But at least they’ll be able to make a sequel to that documentary now.

Alright, that’s all for the depressing bullshit today. I’m not allowed to leave the house, so I think I will try and watch as much of the early 90’s X-Men cartoon show as possible.

The Irish Hound
575 Saint Paul Street
Denver, CO 80206
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1:16 PM, November 15, 2012
Scores
The Fiscal Cliff Clavins 84
What's Are Team Name 79
4 Dicks 2 Chicks 75
Trauma Drama 63
Mschievous Badgers 48
Kevin Bacon's Big Floppy Dong
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Quiz Schedule
Mondays at Ernie's, Wednesdays at the Denver Wrangler, Saturdays at Prickly Pete's, and Sundays at Brendan's 404. 		John LaHendro (Look At This F**king Quizmaster)

Johnny was raised in the Swiss Alps by his grandfather and often has trouble differentiating his life from the movie Heidi.  He has a completely worthless degree in Creative Writing from the University Of Colorado, which he has parlayed into never getting a real job.  When he's not quizzing, he can be found drinking good scotch and cheap beer and bitching about how Charles Bukowski has completely ruined his life.  John is currently living in a remote area of south Denver, which he knows for a fact to be Denver due to the large number of DPD officers he sees hanging around his apartment complex.  His hobbies include watching old episodes of Mystery Science Theatre, playing classic Nintendo games, and making fun of your favorite band.  He also sometimes confuses his life with that of Batman and is currently trying to track down the Joker and bring him to justice.

Okay, yeah, I’m a little obsessive regarding Ryan Gosling.  But you know why?  Because he is the coolest man on Earth today.  He has the ability to make both sappy romance films (the Notebook) and hard hitting indie films that a lot of mainstream actors would turn down (Half Nelson).  Let’s talk for a moment about Half Nelson.  In this movie he plays a middle school social studies teacher who is also hopelessly addicted to crack.  And he still manages to be insanely charming.  What makes things even better is that his redemption at the end of the film is vague and not your traditional, hey everything is going great from now on Hollywood bullshit.  And he made that after the Notebook.  This is akin to if Robert Pattinson were to follow up the Twilight films with a movie where he’s a solipsist millionaire taking his limo across town so he can get a haircut and doing lots of horrible things on the way.  Which is something Pattinson is doing with Cosmopolis, but it doesn’t matter, because he is still Edward from Twilight.  Gosling on the other hand is the man that exudes cool from every pore and isn’t afraid to make a movie like Lars and the Real Girl.  Thus, Ryan Gosling is a god.

Hey, we had some laughs at the expense of John Denver last night.  Let me just say that his untimely death was tragic, but the irony lives on.  If you write a song about leaving on a jet plane and then crash your plane into the ocean, that’s a slightly humorous coincidence.  That would be like if Michael Hutchence had written a song called, “Jerkin’ It With A Belt Around My Neck.”  You cement your legacy when you presage your own death in a song.

Finally, I would like to apologize to all the Jennifer Aniston fans I insulted last night.  I have nothing personal against her.  I just find the fact that the animosity from Aniston Pitt Jolie thing is still continuing a bit weird.  That was years ago.  And Mr. and Mrs. Smith wasn’t very good. And they have like a bajillion kids now.  And I think Aniston is doing alright for herself.  I mean, I saw Horrible Bosses.  She was pretty good in that.  I even heard that she is engaged.  So good for her. And let’s just drop all this shit right now because there are more important things going on in the world.  Like the Evil Dead remake and missile strikes in Tel Aviv.  And Zachary Quinto’s Character on American Horror Story. Spoiler Alert his house is amazing.  He should do more entertaining.

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