Goodnight stars, goodnight air, goodnight noises everywhere.

Goodnight SPF Hippo (1st place), goodnight Elmwood Plus Ovaries (2nd Place), goodnight Nerdles, goodnight Big Booty Hoes, goodnight Filthy Things.

Goodnight legendary Texas Theatre.

Good night.

Good luck.

It was to be the second-to-final competition. The masses had finally had enough of these battle-royale death matches and were rising up to stop it. This meant the final two episodes would be the most vicious and bloody to demonstrate the waning power of the world government.

It took place on a remote island once inhabited by such luminaries as Crockett's Theme, who were now reduced to a few scattered bones and tattered floral patterns in the sand. The host, and odd sort of chap that resembled a more vampire-like version of Richard Dawson, had sounded the start, and these four opposing brain gangs were off and running. In pursuit of them was a rabidly aroused Axl Rose, the woman-Hitler known as Meg Ryan and a giant bouncing chess pie that crooned Chubby Checker hits.

Not long after the brain race began, West Niles Crane had found the money baby sleeping on a waffle and carried him all the way to victory, with the heroes in a half-shell, Teenage Mutant Ninja Duo, carrying the bronze rubber ducky a fair distance behind. The two teams were beamed off of the island and back to their home districts, either to fade into obscurity or to begin training anew for the final showdown.

What became of the others is tragic and gruesome to recount. The giant chess pie, while singing 'Twistin' USA' dropped from the heavens and flattened the pair known as Darwin's Darlins, just as they were about to finally catch up to the Nerdles. Solo Guy was not so lucky as to meet his end his quickly and painlessly. Axl and Meg caught up to him early on and subjected him to the method known as 'nine thumps'  - a slow, agonizing, death torn straight from the pages of the Kama Sutra. He died simultaneously weeping and giggling. The last thing he saw before complete darkness was a pink poodle surfing on a hot dog.

So, Batman villain, Bane, R. Kelly, God, William Shakespeare and Brian Ryden walk into a bar. The bartender, legendary Texas Theatre drink-slinger, Phillip Jester, says 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!' After a slightly awkward pause he continues. 'It's called a Fictional Character!' At that moment all of these new patrons fade and then vanish into thin air - except for Brian Ryden. He orders another gin and tonic and rejoins his quiz team, Jake has West Nile, as they take the top prize. The runners-up are newbies, Wurst Platters, who lose the gold by a single point.

ps It's always a pleasure when a team comes in on Round 3 already with faces of shit and then proceed to heckle you in the most intelligent way possible. No one present, especially myself, will be able to forget the angelic siren call of one of Whipple's Warriors, possibly the one with the two-tone hairdo, but who knows for sure. We welcome all types and psychological profiles at this funhouse-like pub quiz.

The horror, the horror....