Guyyyyssss you are all the nicest. 

From cookies and plastic animals to illegible cards and shots of Grand Marnier, you were so ridiculously generous and kind. I got TWO things wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper. TWO. 

But I wasn't the only one who got a surprise this week! Both of our winners were incredibly surprised that they pulled off the win. We all knew the Kong wasn't gonna be pleased with a massive sports-centric Round #3, and that round of commercials was pretty rough, too. WE WANT THE READING RAINBOW QUESTIONS BACK, DAMN IT.

Tom, Evan, and Mecca were back in fine form to lead Other than that, how'd you like the weather in Oklahoma? to a stirring victory. Has anyone on this team ever even seen a chicken? came in second!

Derrick took home the e-mail bonus pint glass. 

Second to Last almost reached their goal! Harvard Gentlemen Prefer Blondes had their first Kong pub quiz! Everyone Gets a Diploma! answered multiple questions correctly! Vodka Rocks and a Piece of Toast had a regulation number of team members! DSMV: Welcome to the Jungle (pronounced "Yangle") escaped the team photo! It's My Birthday and I'll Drink What I Want To brought Gabi! Sass Monkeys switched up the order of arrival—and I now know Esther, Sherwin, and Benny! 

Woo hoo!

This week's title is a prime example of the Kong's idea of "smart guesses": it's an attempt to name 4 different actors who played 4 different characters in Kevin Smith movies. 

Now, onto the recap!

While Michaelangelo, Donatello, Leonardo, and Raphael may prefer nunchuck-ing their way to victory, I Love Turtles scribbled and scrawled their way to first place. Their lovely drawings charmed me, and although they scored only 12 points on their own merit, I paid for the artwork in points. 

(Don't you all wish. They're just smarter and more artistic than the rest of you.) 

I'm Angelina Jolie and I've Got to Get This Off My Chest came in first for SOMETHING, second in points, and last in taste. Just the way they like it. Gift cards and infamy: the American dream. 

Steve, Greg, and Mike were just a trio this week. Left alone with their own scant intellectual resources, they came up with a mere 65 points, the lyrics to the Squidbillies theme song, and the team name Toronto Maple Queefs: Choking Hazard. Enough said. 

However, there was a redeeming light in this thing. Mike and his iPhone helped save the blog! See gallery for an accurate photo of the three. 

Dream Team switched it up this week and took a seat at the bar. Bold moves, bold moves. 

Select Your Orifice was an assemblage of many orifices this week, as they brought a gaggle of new teammates to the table. 

Grassy Knoll Shooters showed up on time and got the job done. Like their namesake. (Too soon?)

JC and I had our first formal introduction! They plugged away at the quiz questions with their usual pluck and determination. 

When the Crybabies called themselves You Keep Using That Word, I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means, I couldn't help thinking of all the words that they use incorrectly on a regular basis. 

"Unfair" (follows the stated rules)

"Mean" (honest)

"Rigged" (statistically expected results in the e-mail bonus) 

Speaking of that e-mail bonus, Tara finally got her much-desired win! She is ensconced in a white halo of glory and exultation. (No, seriously, look at the photo.)

Sass Monkeys held onto their chairs but not their points. I'm sure this was only because they had fewer team members this week! 

Kathryn came to quiz again! She was one of the many members of Mortal Wombat, who may not have won a prize overall, but really killed it on the bonus questions!

With a name like Tittsburgh Feelers, this foursome didn't sound too shy, but when it came time for team photos, one of them was too scared to have his photo taken. :-(

Breakfast Club was only two members strong, so you have to wonder which members of the Club they were supposed to be. I'm gonna guess the Criminal and the Princess. (?)

You'd all best show up next week, because it's my birthday! 

It was super crowded at the Kong this Tuesday! In fact, we had so many players that we actually ran out of chairs. You guys must've heard that there was gonnna be a round on kids' TV shows, because that round WAS YOUR JAM. I have never seen you happier than when the Reading Rainbow theme began playing. 

We also hit another Kong record in capacity, but this record concerned capacity for conspiracy theories. For the first time, many teams noticed that as I take team photos, I number them so I can remember which photo matches which team name. However, my ever-docile, ever-pleasant regulars immediately began shrieking, "Is that our team ranking? Are you writing our team ranking? We did NOT come in 7th place, Marykate!!" 

You are all such delicate, loveable flowers. 

I Love Giving MK Team Names Involving Stage Directions I Love Lucy (No, I Love Lucy!) won first place! It's been a while since anyone but Katie had a victory, so they were super excited! With two perfect-8 rounds and a 14 on the karaoke round, they rode the Magic School Bus to victory. In addition to managing a win, they also managed to write yet another team name with included emphasis/directions. I am neither one of the actors at the theater nor one of the dogs you need to control. (I'm much easier to boss around and more eager for approval than either of those!)  

Some run to lose weight, some lose weight to run came in second place. Had Patrick not been so busy with the insane crowd, they might've snaked into first place, but Cheryl and Spence couldn't pull off a repeat of last week. (Good thing, too: if we repeated last week's festivities, I would no longer be employed.) 

The Dream Team had one of their strongest finishes yet, coming in third place! They switched up the rotating roster yet again, and this looked like a pretty successful set-up. Whoever was left out last night, watch out.

They tied with Bob LobLaw's Law Blog, both teams only a single point behind second place.

Speaking of Bob LobLaw's Law Blog, GOD CUONG/ZACH/OBNOXIOUS YOU ARE SO LOUD. CALM IT DOWN. 

Just kidding. Tara is defnitely the problem. This is her face every time I ask a question, give an answer, or don't let her win the e-mail bonus: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jp-MXaNlD5g

(Basically, you are all the worst. But we already knew that, didn't we, Crybabies?)

Anne Frank's Beats Headset had an exceptionally strong sense of honor (the Warrior Maiden, though not playing tonight, would have been proud). When they realized they hadn't won, the parties responsible for the loss removed themselves from the team photo. The three you see in the photo are their smartest and ablest players, blameless. 

Castro's Adult Daycare claimed a spot by the coveted bar and went to work. They got off to a great start, with 7 points in the first round and 14 in the second, but the ensuing rounds and a poorly used Joker took them out of the running for the top spot. Still, if they use that Joker better next week, they could win it! 

Sass Monkeys showed up full of optimism, introducing themselves as, "our poor, sad team." ;-) They lived up to their predictions with the usual aplomb and good spirits, transforming the much-maligned counter area into a social center. 

With a mere three team members this week, Super Team was super only in the other meaning of the word. Masquerading as Orange You Glad I Didn't Say Banana, they did at least escape their usual fate in 4th place. 

Orson Welles Presents: TIT-tanic had poor penmanship and an even poorer showing at this week's quiz. Bess failed on the karaoke songs round. Neal was late. Greg had post-Armenian-Christmas depression. Ken was too happy. Mike was friends with Steve. Steve was...Steve.