The Colorado weather is always the dumbest mystery of the day, if only because there's no way to get it right. You can look outside and it'll be sunny, but that doesn't mean the strange and mysterious weather won't end up pouring down rain for a couple hours until it becomes wonderful out again. It's a terrible mystery that isn't fun to learn about and offers no real rewards, just like finding out in high school just how much the head cheerleader stuffs her bra. That's why in our Mystery Round we had a secret theme running through all the answers that led up to a free drink, because what's the point in having a mystery to solve without getting a free beer in return for all the hard work? In fact, that could be why we have so many open cold cases in this country, simply because detectives generally don't get free drinks wherever they go, so what's the point? "Kid's still going to be missing tomorrow," thinks a gumshoe, "and my liver can't ruin itself."
The Mystery Round wasn't the only one that had the teams squeezed together by me for a bonus question, as the Sooner or Later round on movie deaths and a later round on the majestic journeys of the likes of the Griswold clan and the crew of the S.S. Minnow had our contestants gathered around for the mighty free drink token. Team representatives from The Wu-Tang Clan Is Not Anything to Have Intercourse With and Birthday Boy! did their best against the quizzers from O'Doyle Rules! and Do Me On A Rainbow to get those tokens, all the while not realizing that our Bonus Questions are just another in a long line of Geeks Who Drink's efforts to get you silly bastards to read and write. That's right, we're tricking you into literacy through free booze! Geeks Who Drink: Doing our part to help lushes spell better when they send out drunk texts.
Next week we'll have more beer and well liquor to give away, as well as more mysteries and surprises to get our quizzers jazzed to take on perennial Top 3 team Do Me On A Rainbow. I swear, those guys come prepared every week, so I recommend signing up for the email list
to get a sneak peek at the rounds for next week, as well as the bonus email question to get yourself an awesome mystery prize! That's right folks, even without a Mystery round, we still have surprises abound, so until I see you then, have a Geektastic week!
It's the day after Mother's Day, the time to shed the ruse of being good and sweet for Mom's sake, and what better way to do so than with the same rabble-rousing and merry-making you've come to expect from us at Prohibition. That's just a name, after all; we don't prohibit anything, except of course more than 6 people per team and looking up answers on internet-connected devices. And also murder, that's a no go. Basically anything that's already illegal before coming into the bar is prohibited. But not alcohol, that could never be prohibited to us responsible adults over the age of 21 who enjoy liquor carefully and do not drive afterwards. Not you, not no one, Mom! You're not going to take my God given right to sip on my alcoholic beverage at a pace comfortable for me, you hear me Mom!? You hear me!?
Okay, a little purging there, but it was for the best that we didn't have the mothers out tonight, as there was a bit of cursing and a whole visual round on stars we've seen naked. After last week's Porn For The Blind round, it's looking like we'll always have something to excite & titillate our audiences. And nothing excites and titillates more than mother-fucking MAGIC! Round 6: Abracafuckingdabra was an entire round on the mysterious art form known as Magic! (imagine two doves came out of my sleeves just then), as those purveyors of Magic known as magicians. We also have a question on Magic the Gathering, for those of us who spent junior high lunch squirreled away in the corner of the cafeteria, looking through binders upon binders of cards, trading to build up the perfect deck... The Deck of Kings! Or so I assume. Why, I never did that in junior high or high school or anything. No, really, I swear! I actually just went to the library and read comics, so at least my socially-inept behavior was hidden in the part of the school where no one went.
The teams did their best to make their moms proud, and hopefully not because they forgot to call yesterday or at least send a card. Three Legged Puppy kept an early lead above 4 Richards & A Chick, MutherHumpers, and Hahn Shot First, hopefully pulling from the sympathy from the crowd imagining a little 3-legged puppy (in fact, I'm going to do it now. Awww, look at his little face and nub!). But just like all three-legged puppies, they fell down, down the ranks, down down down, all the way to 2nd place, allowing Hahn Shot First to take, well, first. The Mutherhumpers are getting some new competition in, so they're going to have to call in reinforcements if they want to reclaim their number one spot. They'll need them too, because with new teams God Hates Mondays, Bruno Go Bonk, Shout It Out, and Scratch & Slurp coming in and causing a ruckus, it looks like we'll have a pretty solid battle for all the top three spots in the coming weeks.
You too can put your geek knowledge to the test with a tasty beer with Geeks Who Drink, so we'll be seeing next Monday at 8! And remember to call your mother when it's not Mother's Day too, I bet she'd like that.
If there is anything that is going to get our quizzers hearts pumping and the the rest of them giggling, it was going to be our Round 7: Listen Carefully
, featuring the kind souls at the not-for-profit venture Porn for the Blind
. You see, sometimes the blind want to jerk one out from time to time too, just like the rest of us, but they can't enjoy the thrill of the internet like the rest of us Lookers and Seers (that can't be spelled right). What can be done, as it's only their eyes that are broken, not their genitalia; it seems in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is the only one who can masturbate. Well, worry no more, as the Cambridge-based Porn for the Blind
(clips are NSFW) is there to help those with vision problems have no more ejaculation problems, at least when it comes to imagining the madness that is internet pornography. Just one more reason to come out for Geeks Who Drink: we filled the bar with the Porn for the Blind presentation of Big Sausage Pizza
(very very VERY NSFW) and expected our tittering contestants to pay attention long enough to answer my general questions on the clip. If that doesn't sound like a Monday night full of fun and laughs, then you and I are on two different pages, brother.
Now I know what you're thinking, but Porn for the Blind is a very tasteful site, almost like a book-on-tape, although it may just be that the young man reading our particular clip seemed less than interested in a guy sticking his wang through a pizza box while a girl performed on him. But hey, perhaps one of our many teams who got perfect or near-perfect scores on the round would be willing to donate their time to record a description
of one of the numerous porn sites on the web. We're looking at you, Muther Humpers
, David Duchovny, Why Don't You Love Me?
, Hermaphrodite Barbie "Comes" In Her Own Box
, and The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill's Accountant
, you sly sexual beings you. Porn for the Blind's mission to record all of the Internet's vast needs willing and able soldiers, and they want you!
My only question about Porn for the Blind: how is the blind person expected to get to the website in the first place? You figure someone has to direct them to the website in the first place, and hey, why don't they just have sex with that person?
We also had some non-porn related rounds, but really, no one seemed as into current events and dumb-yet-famous youngsters as listening to a even-toned man describe in not-so-graphic detail a very off-putting porn clip. But I think we all have to agree, he made it seem almost magical; after all, when's the last time you heard a guy finishing described as "coming to fruition?" Probably the last time you read the Bible, is my I guess. Anyways, who knows what silliness we're going to get into next week, so I hope to see you all then. Have a good week, and may all your dreams come to fruition!