You guys are my favorite kind of people.  You’re the kind of people who will do anything for a little bit of money.  I’m not calling you guys prostitutes, okay I am.  It’s fine because we all had a great time.  While you guys were busy, we took video of you guys looking like you’re masturbating while you’re left hands are permanently stuck in the air.  Look, I have evidence:

Not that you’re probably not going to read this section but I wrote it and, dammit, I’m going to post my inane ranting about cars and James Bond.  I’ve been trying to write an article about fast cars lately and have been having some trouble fitting them into categories.  I don’t mean a fast car like that dude you know down the street who comes flying around the corners in his 8 year old Subaru WRX and wears his flat brimmed baseball cap sideways.  I’m talking about the kind that could give you a frontal lobotomy if you hit the gas a little too much; the kind which will make you crap your pants whether you feel scared or not; the kind of car that puts Formula 1 cars to the test.  They cost in the hundreds of thousands of dollars and you might only see once in your life.  Oh man, did I find some cars including Jay Leno’s “Tank Car” which uses an engine from a M47 Patton tank and weighs 9,500 pounds.  I’m sure they had to extend the windshield to accommodate his huge hair and chin.  Once, I had the pleasure of sitting in an Aston Martin V-12 Vanquish at a car show.  It was James Bonds car.  James Fucking Bond (can we just add that to his middle name officially?).  When you buy one of those cars, they should come with a beautiful woman in the passenger seat willing and able to kick ass when needed and then sex you up after (women included) just so long as it’s not Halle Berry.  She was, by far, the worst Bond girl (though, it should be woman but just using the common vernacular).

Oh yeah, quiz.  THE NEW O.J. DEFENCE TEAM won the whole shabangabang but we still had fun without them.  For the just not last prize, NEGATIVE, I AM A MEAT POPSICLE won against ALCOHOLIC MINORS.  For the second place FIGHTING ABRAHAMS  beat out CUNNING STUNTS.  See you next week.  Keep being awesome.

Rather than droning on about goats or new phones, I’m going to talk about the wonders of Photoshop. Oh, the wonders of Photoshop.  I’ve seen some things, some amazing things, with Photoshop which includes Mr. Bean’s (Rowan Atkinson) face superimposed on Justin Beiber’s, Barak Obama’s face morphed into Alfred E. Neuman’s (that kid on the front of every Mad Magazine), and dicks and dildos placed into everybody’s hands.  Whelp, I decided to try my hand at Photoshop while parents were away on vacation.  It started with that idea, but what was I to do?  Dicks and dildos are just not something I want expose them to (not willingly).  I decided that I was going to shop in a Velociraptor into each and every picture.  I’m not going to tell them I did it, I’m just going to hang the Photoshopped Velociraptor picture in place of the actual picture and wait for the phone call.  Knowing my parents, they probably won’t notice until months later when they wake at 3 AM and drowsily stumble the hall and knock a frame off the wall.  That’s when they will attempt to affix the frame to the wall and notice that there’s a 65 million year old dinosaur hanging out in the background of my brother’s wedding photo.  MUAHAHAHAHAA!  It’s so evil, I need a white cat in my lap to explain it again and add, “Mr. Bond,“ to the end of the every sentence.

Random thought: do you ever watch a show or movie you’ve seen before and still get angry when that guy does that thing that fucks the whole movie? Yeah, me neither… Just kidding, I do it constantly. For example, I was watching the 1996 version of The Crucible and still get upset when Winona Rider lies her ass off which is enough for me to exclaim, “the fuck is with this bitch?”  I’m a pretty terrible person to go the movies with.

Yet again, we had to have a dance off and you guys killed it.

Oh, yeah.  We had a quiz where Back to Hiking the Appalachian Trail whipped you guys bad and the Cunning Stunts fallowing them in second.  The dance off was for third place between In Last Place and Brodeo Clowns. In Last place won the whole damn thing by round of applause. Applesauce. Next week, be there.

It’s not often that I’m left in the dark as far as technology is concerned, but, I must admit, I have been using a cell phone which would be considered obsolete 10 years ago.  I’ve only had it a year or so (bought it on the cheap) and this thing is worse than toy walkie-talkies which your mother stole the batteries out of to use in her vibrator when dad was away on a business trip.

“Mom, I keep losing the double A’s for this thing.”

“I guess we’ll have to get more and some D’s for mommy’s new toy.”

That’s right!  She wants the D (works on two levels).  Getting back to the original conversation, I have joined modern humans and no longer tote around a dinosaur (though, those silly Blackberries are worse) and have upgraded to a fancy phone that does everything except it doesn’t order a Filipino hooker to my doorstep. Lo, there will be a day, I promise.  Now that I have this seemingly wonderful piece of modern technology, what do I do with it?  Can’t eat it, it won’t wash my laundry, and it won’t fit in my brown hole (not that I’ve tried, but the shape just doesn’t look accommodating).

By the way, where the fuck are the buttons?  I’ve lived the last 26 years using this tiny buttons to control everything, and now they’re gone.  What have you crazy kids done with my buttons and get off my lawn!  For those of you who don’t know, I have sausage fingers and attempting to pin-point something tiny is equivalent to a cow trying to pluck a flower with its hoof.  To add on to that, I have the coordination of Michael J. Fox (because he’s not athletic, not the Parkinson’s, you jerk).

Anyway, we had quiz and SOLO whipped you guys like the red headed step-children that you are.  WHICH ONE’S PINK? placed a solid second.  See y’all next week.

• The Royal Hilltop - Aurora 8:00 PM
• Darcy's Bistro & Pub - Denver 8:30 PM
• Prickly Pete's - Denver 8:00 PM
• The Whiskey Bar - Denver 7:00 PM
• The Cheeky Monk - Westminster 9:00 PM
• The Ram (Meridian) - Meridian 9:00 PM
• Lisa's Restaurant & Lounge - Augusta 7:30 PM
• Opal Divine's (Marina) - Austin 10:00 PM
• Opal Divine's (Penn Field) - Austin 10:00 PM