Hey kids! Welcome to another quiz recap. A quiz where I was infinitely more comfortable than normal, because I finally got around to doing something I’ve been talking about for ages, I brought a fan. To hook up to the projector system for our awesome video/movie rounds, I have to stand in front of a giant window that has been heating up all day, leaving me feeling like I’m standing in a sauna. I’m not complaining kids, I’d do a lot worse for you, because I care. But, seriously, how hot is it when the quizmaster is streaming sweat all quiz?

Anyway, in the quiz we had a whole round on first ladies and the table next to me kept talking about how hot Barbara Bush was, and I couldn’t figure out if they were talking about the wife of G. Bush Sr. or Junior’s daughter. Honestly, it sounded more like they were talking about the elder Barbara. No judgment, whatever floats your boat.

In shot news, I took what is getting to be a bar favorite, the prarie fire and a dead Nazi. The dead Nazi is apparently Jaeger, ick, and Rumplemintz. Luckily the Rumplemintz kinda covered the Jaeger, but seriously black licorice and peppermint, not great.

In the end, Car Ramrod and What?! tied, but unfortunately it was for third and right out of the money. We also had a tie for first between Butt Triumph and Honey Mustard Frappe (Venti). Unfortunately, the butts of Butt Triumph, the Frappes beat them after a sudden death round and extra tie breaker question. They were only six years off of the date that Carnegie Hall was opened. It was 1891, in case you were wondering.

That’s all kids. 

One thing you should know about me, I used to work in a daycare. I used to be the lead teacher in a class of 2 ½ year olds, which means that according to state ratio, I could have 10, 2 ½ year olds in a room with only myself. I have potty trained almost 100 young children, while conducting art lessons, reading books, going through flashcards and monitoring recess. Basically, what I am saying is, I don’t put up with your shit, no matter how funny you think you are.

I have also been quizzing at the Phoggy Dog for more than a year, yet no matter how much I tell quizzers when things aren’t funny, some genius tries to push it. Every round I ask 8 questions, sometimes the questions have more than one answer, but there are always 8 questions. At the end of the round, I ask if anyone needs a question repeated. Usually one mensa candidate yells out the number 9, even though I NEVER ask 9 questions. I’ll let two people get away with it before I threaten the next person who says it. Tonight, two people yelled out for question 9 in round 4. I told the quizzers that the next person to say 9 would get something spilled on them.

Unfortunately for him, one (brave/crazy) soul from Team Goat Scream yelled nine. I subsequently spilled 1/3 of my beer on him.

I don’t make empty threats. Ask some former 2 ½ year olds that I taught. If I told you it would happen, it would. That makes me sound really scary, but when you are up against ten people who are less than 3, you have to follow through.

Otherwise, the quiz went swimmingly.

• Vehicle Impact Pole aced round 3, sooner or later-character assassination, and jokered for 32 points.
• I took two truly disgusting shots, thanks to bartender Sofiya. After the scoring breaks, in rounds 3 and 6, I let the last place team pick a shot, put it on my tab, and I will take it. The first shot, which I always say cannot consist of more than one condiment, was crushed jalapeno and cheese combos and gin. It stopped about halfway down my throat and threatened to come back up. The second shot was tequila, sugar and mustard. I didn’t throw up either shot, continuing my streak of 40 weeks of shots without throwing up, but I feel like that may soon come to an end.
• In the end, only 2 points separated 4^th from 1^st. The Snakes and We Will Beat Dylan Roberts tied for 3^rd (which means nothing here), Vehicle Impact Pole came in 2^nd and OMG I LOVE the Latest Taylor Swift Single! You know, the One About Her Cheater Ex-Boyfriend… stormed to 1^st.
• For clarification, I have gone on multiple rants about Taylor Swift songs and their repetitious nature.

That is all that is fit to print nerds!

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F*cking newsflash, I drank this week! Double f*cking newsflash, it was AWESOME! If you can’t tell yet, I’ve found a new life coach. She’s lovingly referred to as the Insane Delta Gamma Sorority Girl who goes on a rant against her “sisters”. She helped me come up with my new # 3 rule for the quiz, which is: “If anyone is going to be a goddamn boner, I will kick you out, I don’t care if you are sober”. To sample her wisdom, click on this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQB812PtvgE

If you prefer a more dramatic interpretation, I give you Michael Shannon:

http://knowyourmeme.com/videos/64394-sorority-girls-e-mail-rant

Yeah, she’s a little intense. Yeah, she probably needs some Xanax, but you cannot doubt her leadership quality. I tried to emulate her as much as possible in the quiz, like when anyone tried to blame their horrible score on the questions, instead of their lack of awesome. It’s called Geeks Who Drink, not basic middle school crap broken up by three minutes of Milli Vanilli hits.

Honestly though, there was a quiz, and it was beautiful. Mostly, according to the quizzers, because I was back on the booze. I attribute most of their excitement to the shots I take at the end of the scoring breaks. Tonight's shots included vodka and honey mustard, titled YOLO by the quizzrs, and ketchup and gin. Both ranked a middling "eh" on the disgusting meter.

In quiz news, round 4’s mystery round was a favorite. The answers to the eight questions gave a clue to the bonus question. All eight answers were in the lyrics to “Empire State of Mind” by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys. Barbie’s Blitzkrieg, but mostly team member Marissa, guessed the correct answer before I even asked it. It was AMAZING. I was properly impressed. The quizzers also liked that I gave an impromptu sex ed class, after more than one person was confused by the relation between the clitoris and hood. Never let it be said that I leave inquiring minds yearning for knowledge.

Apparently round five was a little too easy, as every team aced it. It was a round on made up tweets, which you had to match with the movie that inspired them.

Round 6 led to one of my favorite question of all time. In the round, which featured question about unsolved crimes, a quizzer asked if I wanted the name of the person who put cyanide in Tylenol. I corrected them and told them I just need the drug that cyanide was added to, but a quizzer quickly pointed out that if they knew the name of the person, they should let everyone know. They probably just missed the fact that the round was on UNSOLVED crimes, but I have a nagging suspicion that one of their uncles was the mastermind. No matter how many times I pleaded, they wouldn’t let me know the name of the perpetrator. I could’ve quit my daytime job and devoted my whole life to the quiz!

In the end, Ich Bin Ein Hamburger led since the first scoring break and could not be dethroned. Team Goat Scream saved there joker, and were able to rocket to second.

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