One of the dilemmas of being a degenerate is the inevitable feeling of alienation and the sickening sense that you are going to be left to walk your path to ruin all alone. Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster in the sky for Geeks Who Drink and growing population of ne’er-do-wells and rapscallions who join me each week at TRUELOVE in Waco, TX! It’s a real life-affirming feeling knowing your path to Hell and trivia/pub/drinking/random jack-assery immortality will be a crowded one. The search for random knowledge (some more than others) and a good buzz are our God and the sacrifices of our livers and brain cells are being rewarded. And as good Christian women, we all say “FUCK!”

There is also a great deal of soothing comfort knowing, though you may be alone at your desk, there are others who feel just as shitty as you do at the moment. The hangover is a great unifier. Although I challenge anyone to compete with some of these Lone Star morning after beer farts. Who the hell fed me a week-old roadkill opossum last night? Once again, I’ve gone on a tangent and taken you to a place you don’t ever want to go…my ass is a scary place.

So this Thursday many people joined us at TRUELOVE and gladly climbed into the handbasket headed for Hell. There were 12 loud, obnoxious teams and what they lacked in knowledge, they up for with FUCKING AWESOME team names. In the six months we’ve been doing this little trivia song and dance, I can’t think of another night where we had so many team names that just killed (or made fun of people just recently killed)! They were so awesome, we’ll call them out at the beginning of the blog this week.

Fucking brilliance and love to these teams:

Mighty Morphin Flower Arrangers

I’m So Wet You Can’t See Me Crying

Hanging With The Kennedys

Big Test Icicles

High Fives in the Penis House

And the aptly named….We’re Fucked.

Luckily for the rest of the quizzers, the teams didn’t shoot their collective wads on team names. There was still a great deal of knowledge left to be discovered….such as:

• Kenny G ass-raped Marcellus Wallace in “Pulp Fiction.” And that’s kinda how we all feel after listening to his music. Is rape by music a criminal offense?

• Sexual Assault isn’t really a crime. It’s just feisty sex. No means yes and yes means anal!

• Malcolm X was once named Jay Gatsby

• Auntie Em was a fucking foul-mouthed bitch

• Every time you masturbate, Chuck Norris punches a baby

• Bad YouTube karaoke is better than good country music

• Just kidding, there is no such thing as good country music

• Blacks have made little progress in the sports of: Polo, swimming, bowling, fencing and muff-diving (except for the great film “Bye Bye Black Boy”)

• If you have a sport where more women are having success than a black guy, it’s not a sport. Hello NASCAR!

• A skier with a happy name who owns the downhill course: Sunny Bono

• Making racial slurs during a soccer game, while actually making the game more entertaining, will get you ejected. Unless you make fun of the French….fucking pussies.

• It takes an entire bar to get one question right: See Round 8, question 6.

• It took and entire bar to outscore a single team on the round 7 robot Shakespeare crapfest. High Five Penis’ scored 6. The rest of the TRUELOVE teams were a combined 14. Fucking Shakespeare.

• Mentioning “an abortion of a show” makes a lot of people think of the Kardashian clan. Probably wishing the mom would have had a couple of them a few years ago.

• Speaking of abortions, let’s make fun of the Olsen twins shall we? While everyone in the bar got the answer to their clothing line wrong, the guesses were so, so right!

Barely Legal: Slurping Siblings

I Look Like I Was In The Holocaust (Concentration Camp Couture!)

Crack Hobo Chic

Skinny Whores

Love Your Bones

…and the best part, all of their clothing lines are vomit stain resistant!

The competition was actually pretty tight for most of the evening with top 8 teams being separated by just 12 points. The Mighty Morphin Flower Arrangers jokered a well-played round 2 and never looked back, winning with 76 points. Perennial powerhouse Titty Review lingered in the middle of the pack but thanks to a great round 5, the placed 2^nd with 74. Our lawyer buddies, Hanging With The Kennedys completed their first top 3 finish ever with 69. There were a couple of legal/law questions so you’d hope they would do well. If not, they might be fun, but that would be the worst law office ever! Must also give some love to the newbies of High Fives. Scoring a 64 your first time out is actually pretty damn good.

Best team name: I’m So Wet You Can’t See me Crying (just made me laugh out loud when I heard it)

Once again, thanks to everyone for coming out and……sweet holy mother of Beaver, where in the hell is all of this gas coming from? There must be a 40 fart per bottle ratio. Seriously, if I never drank another beer in my life, I’ll be dropping ass bombs well into the 2030’s. Exxon should hydrofrack my ass. Oh wait…that sounded gayer than I meant it too.

Oh fuck it…see you next week.

A small group of regular and dedicated GWDers came out to Truelove on Monday night.  With the end of school upon us and the local colleges being done for the semester, it may be the "older" folk who turn out now on Monday nights, but that's ok.  We still had a great time and the Quiz Master was treated to some nice cleavage.  So, that alone, makes it all worthwhile.

Here are some of the Nuggets of Knowledge reaped on Monday night:

- George Harrison played bass for the Beatles and is still alive! Who knew?! His family will be so happy to hear the news.

- Bottle Caps were/are awesome! How soon until we can get beer flavored ones?

- Katy Perry's next single is "Light My Farts".  I'll buy that!

- The Scorpions recorded "Rainbow In The Dark".  George Harrison may have also been a member of that band, too.

- Based on the info garnered during round 3, all of the guys suddenly want to move to Washington, Mississippi, Nevada and Arkansas.  Our African American friends might want to hold off on that move to Mississippi.  Just sayin....

- Obama's friend Julia is a nosey bitch and very uppity.

- Chuck Norris also teamed up with a dog in Missing In Action 18

- Fans of Jason Lee are apparently no longer fans once they found out he's a Scientologist.  The reaction to this bit of celebrity trivia was quite amazing.

- Wow! Marsupials have it made! Two-pronged wangs and dual va jay jays?! Sign us up !

- The band Ministry should focus more on new Ministry music instead of their multiple side projects.

- Happy Birthday to Mark Zuckerberg and C.C. DeVille.  The crowd agreed that DeVille has had a greater impact on pop culture than Zuckerberg. Poison rules!!

- Twin Peaks? Why, yes!  See photos for proof!

So, the scoring was once again low on a Monday night.  Rounds 6 and 7 really kicked everyone's ass.  Lots of cursing and moaning during those rounds. In the end, team Super Shredders pulled out a 5 point victory over team Two Dicks & A Chick. The latter blamed it on the fact that the former had two more members on their team.  To be fair, team Felines and Dames In Flames consisted of members that would normally have played with team Two Dicks & A Chick, but they were cool enough to break off so that we'd have three teams tonight.

Thanks to everyone that came out tonight.  Be sure to come back on Thursday when Quiz Master Darin will be sharing his manscaping tips.

You're Welcome,

Steve

The Quiz Master’s penis is a member of the “One-Eyed Royals.”  There, I said it. I put it out there on the table for everyone to see. I don’t like to brag or use this piece (of information) to gain favor or special treatment. I have been known to use it to grant certain…um, let’s call them “pardons” for the ladies of the kingdom, but that was for the good of the country.  It’s a heavy burden to carry….and don’t even get me started on the awkwardness of using it to knight someone.  Please help me keep it on the down-low though. The last time I was in Britain the tabloids did a 4-page spread on it…and only one of those contained text. But I digress….

We are approaching our 6-month anniversary of the hot, sweaty, lovefest that is Geeks Who Drink and TRUELOVE. There are a huge number of regulars (and some irregulars, but nothing a little Metamucil won’t fix) who show up each week and I think we really dig each other.  It’s like that point in the relationship where you’re getting really comfortable with each other, but the sex is still hot. Yes, hot bar sex…sounds like my honeymoon. I rarely do this, but I thought I would be fun to record my pre-quiz thoughts and predict how my buddies at TRUELOVE would fare on tonight’s quiz.

Star date 5/10/12: 7:20 p.m. Quiz Master’s entry No#  I-M-469:

It is 40 minutes prior to the invasion of the quizzers. My bar owner has sufficiently plied me beer and handjobs. Damn my hands are sore. As I peer across the rounds for tonight, my hearts (all three of them) fill with trepidation. How will the quizzers fair the eve? I shall still venture to make assumptions on the outcomes. But you know what happens when you make assumptions…you wake up between two asses in a bathtub full of ice, missing both kidneys and one of those asses is a dude’s. But that happens to us all, am I right? Again, I digress. How well do I know these people?

Round 1: Recently in stuff. TRUELOVE shall laugh in the face of this round…maybe even spew beer from their noses with laughter. Prediction…Avg. score 6.9

Round 2: Dance Your Ass Off. Shitty music with country. People will bitch. To be specific, Benn from Titty Review will bitch. Teams with at least 2 girls should do well.  Avg. score will be 11 (not counting Jokers)

Round 3: Suit Yourself. Unless it’s strip poker, TRUELOVE won’t know shit…unless their grandparents are playing. Scores should be around 5.

Round 4: Ram It. Not as much about sex as the bar will like. This one is a toss up. More like random knowledge than anything….the round will suck. Avg. score 5.

Rounds 5: Visual about cooking stuff. This group looks more like the “order in” group. Well, the jail cafeteria is technically “in” the building. Everyone will get crack right. Avg. of 6.

Round 6: Tasty Buds: Aren’t 5 and 6 out of order? You do buds and then eat. Hmmm, these people ought to do well here. Avg scores should be like 420 or something…..

Round 7: Crack Is Whack: Sound clips from drug addicts in movies. Should hit close to home. Predicting scores of 11 on the double-or-nothing.

Round 8….Has a sports question no one will get. Asks for a “c-word” for a baby swan. I know there will be at least one “cock” and one “cunt” answer. The rest is a crap shoot. 10 should be the avg.

Overall – this is a very scorable night. I predict the top scores will be pushing 80-82 with the double or nothing round. My parole officer will show up. And dare I say it….I may have to admit my penis is a member of the “One-Eyed Royals.” I just fear TRUELOVE will then only like me for that…and not who I am (heavy….sigh…)

(The above is all true and was written prior to the quiz. Ask TRUELOVE owner Eric Mitchell, he is my witness)

So here’s how we did….

Round 1: We were all correct! So smart that no one gave an answer that could easily be taunted. Avg. score was 6.5 And it should be noted that parents groups should be calling for an advertising boycott of America’s Got Talent because it’s America’s Got Talent. Please God, can we have more formulated talent mixed in with horrible, horrible fame seeking dregs? Why yes…Howard Stern has jumped the shark.

And fuck you very much Shaquille O'Neal for cheapening that doctorate degree we have or wanted to earn!

Round 2:  Never have I been so happy to be wrong. The good news is TRUELOVE regained some street -cred by not knowing these shitty songs. And YES, Benn did bitch, exclaiming “this was the worst audio round ever.” I was sorta right that a team of all girls topped the round…but only with an 11. Ouch! Avg. score was a measly 8.6. Damn, missed that one.

New, faceless, heavy-chested blond, Cascada, (also referred as “some cunt” tonight) joins that group of interchangeable crap-dance singers. Man, it’s like there’s a formula in hit music or something.

Round 3: OK, so I was wrong about this one. Bite me. Every team scored a 7. But no one other than the quiz master has ever played strip Uno. Come on people, try it! The game moves faster and clothes come off quicker. My mom never stands a chance.

Round 4: Talk about ramming things and TRUELOVE stands at attention. Did better than my prediction with a 6.6 avg.  Although we did learn hot yoga is referred to as “Cramp” yoga…which actually works. Following some cramp yoga…it could lead to some hot, hot cramden. Funny, we all thought that was neighborhood in Manhattan. We were all wrong.

Round 5: Everyone in TRUELOVE may starve to death…BUT WE KNOW WHAT CRACK IS!!!!! I was totally right on this one. Avg. score 5.3

Round 6: “Why wasn’t this round really about weed?” That seemed to be the sentiment throughout the bar. One clever answer though: The commissioner of MLB is Bud Weiser….which is funny because actual commissioner Bud Selig owns the Milwaukee Brewers. Oh man…..hey, it’s called irony. Look it up. Avg. score 5.5

But when I die….please let it be from Coronary Orgasmic Pulminary Disease!

Round 7: Apparently “Everybody Hates Chris” was the story of Chris Rock and his life as a crack addict. – as was “Coming to America,” and “The Mickey Mouse Club.” Truth is most MM Club members become crackheads AFTER the show and fame have left them. Good times….not good scores. Best in the round was a mere 8. You really don’t want me to post the avg. score. I fucked this one up too.

For the record, please stop buying Pavarotti and Conway Twitty music…you’re only helping fund their habits.

Round 8:  TRUELOVE quizzers….I love you guys. You don’t know shit about baseball and swans, but you didn’t let me down. Only the Swamp Donkeys answered half the sports question (MLB teams without a franchise no-hitter).  And as I had hope and predicted: a baby swan is of course called a “cockling” (male) or a “cuntling” (female). And those came from two different answer sheets!

And…who other than the Germans would spend more than a year in France? Seems they like to show up every couple of decades and stay four years and don’t leave until the Brits or Americans make them.

Well, the top scores fell way short of what I thought we might see. Our third place was (His Name Was) Robert Paulson with 69. This left us a two-way tie for first between arch rivals The Titty Review and Swamp Donkeys with 70. The Donkeys punched the Titties in the bonus round 4-2 to take the title. There was a great deal of joy and sadness…depending on who you were rooting for. OK…no one was rooting for either team. There were even some scoring issues….and a late night re-tally of the answer sheets came back with a 69 for Robert Paulson. Sorry guys…but when you get a 69, are you ever a loser?

(He Name Was) Robert Paulson does get top name honors. Fight Club references are awesome.

Special love to The Good, The Bad and The We Left Your Mom at home...who won't be as they are taking their mom the the KISS/Motley Crue show this weekend in Dallas. Is it awesome that your mom still rocks it...or sad that KISS and Motley Crue are still touring?

Damn, reading back over this blog entry….it kinda reads like a sad teen diary entry. Like the diary of Anne Frank, but with more drinking and sex. And pretty much all the girls being hotter than Anne Frank…and the only thing being killed are brain cells and dreams. But other than that, just like the diary of Anne Frank.

Take care. See you next week. Until then, may my One-Eyed Royal grant you a wish with its prixie stick.

Love on ya,

D.

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