A down-on-his-luck lip model, played by Dirk Benedict, learns to love himself while loving other men for money working for a notorious pimp played by Harvey Fierstien in this raucus prime-time comedy.

BJ and the Bear!

Much like last night's round, this is the result of having never seen the show. I'm led to believe it's actually about a trucker and a chimpanzee on the road. If this sounds like the plot of Every Which Way But Loose to you, you couldn't be more wrong. First of all, Bear was a chimpanzee (obviously) and Clyde was an orangutan. Completely different. Second, Greg Evigan could never be Clint Eastwood and we all know it.

Every Which Way But Loose is really an interesting piece of cinema history when you look a little closer into it. In my extensive research for this blog, I learned that (adjusted for inflation), it's actually one of the top 200 highest grossing films of all time, and one of Clint Eastwood's top films. It made back over 20 times its budget. When all you need is Clint, a truck, and an ape, you can do a whole lot without much of a budget. Most of it probably went to Clyde (played by a very talented orangutan named Manis). Manis was unable to return for the sequel, Any Which Way You Can, due to being too big and dangerous. Much like Harvey Fierstien.

Now that we've come full circle to the big, hairy inspiration for Dr. Mrs. The Monarch's voice, it's time to wrap it up. I'll see you all back here next week, 8pm Tuesday night!

This above all: Don't take no shit offa no one. We learned it in Cool Runnings. We learned it in Office Space. And we kinda learned it in Falling Down, but that wasn't really a happy ending. He probably would've been better off taking a little shit offa someone. But, as usual, I digress.

This is key to two things. First, there's no excuse for missing the question about "neither a borrower nor a lender be." Everyone should know Hamlet, if only to avoid his fate. His fate, as we all recall, was having his father ear-poisoined by his uncle so the he (the uncle) could marry Hamlet's mother and usurp the throne, driving Hamlet himself mad so that he was seeing ghosts and driving his girlfriend to suicide, culminating in a poisoned swordfight that killed everyone he cared about and leaving Denmark in the hands of Norway. It happens more often than you think, it could happen to you, and I just want to protect you.

The moral of the story? Read some Shakespeare. It'll save your life and your country.

I had a followup to all this, but I just got back from a meeting so I can't really remember. Instead, I'm going to talk about Barbara Bush. As far as I can tell, she's looked 80 since she was 50. She's got a total Sean Connery thing going on. Especially Highlander Sean Connery, since he was immortal. "Was" being the operative word, since obviously he got killed by the Kurgan. But Barbara doesn't have a mustache and wasn't using a Scottish accent to play a Spaniard while a Belgian played a Scot. An American also played a Russian, but he mostly just growled and decapitated Sean.

This has nothing to do with Barbara Bush, but I'm sick of writing. Come back next week where I'll have a quiz instead of just gibberish!

I saw 4 cop cars in the parking lot of a porn store on my way home last night. Their lights were flashing, so clearly they were there on business, not pleasure. Unlike the workers at the porn store, where their business IS pleasure. And unlike the dancers at the strip club right by there, whose business is apparently to serve free lunch before 2pm. I've considered each and every possibility for what could have been going on, and have decided to share with you.

Somebody tried to rob the porn store. Plausibility factor: High. Stores get robbed. Even porn stores. Perhaps even at a higher rate than anything but convenience stores. It's not that I'm passing judgment on the clientele at porn stores, but they are obviously the scum of the earth, along with moral vegetarians and dwarfs.

The porn store tried to rob somebody. Plausibility factor: Low. Stores very rarely rob people, except in the metaphorical sense that they overcharge. They're terrible at getaways, for the most part, since most stores are rooted down. Web stores and food carts are obviously the exceptions.

Frankie Sessions was dealing crack out of the porn store. Plausibility factor: Medium. If it took down Kitty's East, it could take down anything.

Former President Jimmy Carter was inside buying pornography, and the police were his escort. Plausibility factor: Very high. That man has a serious porn addiction. And not even good porn. The entire Lincoln Bedroom was filled with copies of Juggz during his tenure, and there's an "adults only" wing of his presidential library. 

The owner was being rounded up by the police as part of an operation by a shadowy crime lord. Probability factor: Most likely option. The owner bought black market pornography from an Armenian fence who bought it from a thief who stole it off a truck owned by Keyser Soze. The owner had no way of knowing this, and it is for this reason that he has been allowed to live. He is, however, in Mr. Soze's debt. Mr. Soze has a job for him and four other criminals, rounded up in much the same way for much the same actions. If he performs the tasks, his debt will be considered paid in full.

Thanks for coming, check out the Geeks facebook page, and thanks for listening to my next edition of true things that happened.

• Brendan's 404 - Denver 7:30 PM
• Goosetown Tavern - Denver 7:00 PM
• The Mayor of Old Town - Fort Collins 8:00 PM
• Bruno's Tavern - New Orleans 7:00 PM
• White Horse Tavern - Allston 8:00 PM
• The First Printer - Cambridge 7:30 PM
• O'Niell's Pub - Albuquerque 8:00 PM
• O'Possum's Pub - Murfreesboro 8:00 PM
• Black Star Co-Op - Austin 8:00 PM
• El Mercado - Austin 7:30 PM
• Strange Brew - Austin 7:00 PM
• Zio Carlo Magnolia Brew Pub - Fort Worth 7:00 PM
• Piper Down - Salt Lake City 7:30 PM
• Quarter Lounge - Seattle 8:00 PM
• Capital Tap Haus - Madison 7:00 PM