Modern technology and society has given us A LOT of very nice comforts.  I would point to air conditioning as chief among them, but the internet, television, carpet, condoms, video games, microwavable food, toilets and a healthy porn industry all work together to form a tapestry of comfort and near 24/7 indulgence of pretty much whatever we want.  But in our world of ease and luxury, one thing must feel rather obsolete.  Were we to give it a name and a face, it's name would be Natural Selection and he would look like a health inspector.  Thwarted at nearly every turn, Natural Selection must feel rather useless today.  Kid swallows a marble, "I'm on it," says Natural Selection, but no sooner has he picked out a foundation in the dumbass child's name that an ambulance rolls in with the ability to bring someone back to life even five minutes after they've been dead.  A drunk driver runs over a guard rail and plummets down a 30 ft drop.  As the car sails through the air in slow motion , Natural Selection rushes to be by his side and remind him, in his dying moment, that this is all his fault for being a douche bag.  But as the car's grill meets the ditch below, 47 air bags deploy and, coupled with the lack of reflexes due to high amounts of inebriation, Baron Von Vodka is cradled in a nest of safety and love, instead of the horrible agony and death that Natural Selection was hoping for.  "Well, no one cares about this guy and he'll probably die of thirst down here in this ditch," thinks Natural Selection, still somewhat satisfied...and then On-Star kicks in an ambulance is dispatched.  "Fuck it," says Natural Selection, giving up, and Jack Dickhead Daniels goes on to sire 4 more Little Dickheads.  Just a thought.  Let's see what we learned tonight:

Terrorism and Tourism are two sides of the same beautiful coin.

You guys have been eating too many fruits.

The Apologetix have two super powers: sounding like the original artist and infusing inappropriate songs with the love of Jesus.

Balderdash sounds like a nerdy game, but it's fun and funny if you have creative and intelligent friends which I understand many of you may not.

Abortion kills the bad guys and leaves the good guys with a cleaner, prettier world to live in!

66% of the country will still kill you if you piss them off.  If you plan to murder someone, I suggest you did it in one of the 17 states that have big ol' vaginas.

Krypton is a real thing.  Some of you thought I was making a joke when I said that Krypton was the answer.  Now you know.

Legends of the Hidden Temple was the coolest thing these kids had ever done, right up until the Temple Guards came out and molested them. 

Space Jam ::heavy sigh:: is aweso... *cough* *gag* *pant, pant*  Sorry guys, I just can't do it.  I'm glad that you all had a collective orgasm about that movie tonight, but consensus doesn't equal fact or else this world would be flat.  I will allow for a differing of opinions, but that's about it.  Michael Jordan playing basketball with the Looney Tunes sounds awful on paper and execution was excruciating.  Maybe it's because I only watched it at school and I hated school.  Maybe it's because fat trailer folks have ruined the Looney Tunes for me forever with their Tweety Bird collections and oversized, faded Peppy Le Pew shirts.  I don't know, but whatever it is it bred a divide in our relationship tonight.  I'm sure we'll both work to get over it, 'cause we promised we wouldn't go to bed angry with each other.  *spoons the whole bar* Love you.

Ok, so that was a pretty awesome night.  You were there, you saw what happened, but in case you missed some of the details, let me break it down for you.  Round 2 was way easy tonight and no team scored less than 14 points.  Add to this that every team used their joker except Bowel Weevils.  They informed me that they would use it later which landed them in a very comfortable last place.  As the night went on, however, they perfected 3 rounds in a row and slowly climbed back up the ranks.  Emo Oedipus + Chris and The Swamp Donkeys continued to play a fine game, but the end was as epic as could be.  After doing so well on the rest the rounds and jokering round 8, Bowel Weevils came from behind to win it by a single point.  Let me express my happiness at no dance-offs.

I really like how full your teams have been recently and you've all done a very good job of filling in the places where you lack.  Everyone beat the house tonight and even though we had a collection of just terrible answers from Dix on Parade and Memphis Tams, you all did fairly well.  I think we've come a long way from two teams of a single person each and scoring in the low 20's.  That's right everyone, we're coming up on our one year anniversary and I'm open for ideas about how to celebrate our burgeoning quiz baby.  Enjoy it while it lasts cause we'll be working on potty training next year, and we all know what a bitch that's going to be.  You guys are the best.

Be Excellent to Each Other

Matthew

So many teams tonight and everyone beat the house!  This is good.  One man, albeit an attractive and intelligent man like myself, should not be able to beat the entirety of a team of skinny winners such as yourselves.  Even Reed and his ilk did better than I did.  As I've stated before, your victories are my victories and I delight in your success like a momma bird pleased to watch her baby birds fly instead of land in the pile of dead beak and down feathers created by the three failed attempts before you.  We learned so much tonight, let's get to it:

First off, and I will admit my surprise, soccer isn't too terrible to watch.  They're always moving and displaying a fair amount of athleticism the entire time.  But fuck, that 90 minutes felt like four hours and some change.  Pick up the pace, soccer.

I bat does use echolocation, but is a bad answer for 'relative of a badger.'  That being said, I guessed the same thing.  :p

I wouldn't trust anyone who tied their tie in a Windsor knot either.

Someone put a great amount of effort into training their voice to sound just like Eddie Money and it really paid off.  We all were wondering if Eddie Money simply covered himself.

WTF!?!  Michael Crichton is dead?!?!  I HATE learning shit like this behind a microphone.  The emotions...they poor forth...

KFC has a new way to kill you besides the Double Down.  Salmonella.  Well played, KFC.  Well played indeed.

Here's a little 'inside baseball' for you:  we had a different visual round earlier today but the powers that be changed it at the last minute for a reason that I'm not privy to.  It was a difficult visual round, to be sure, but the overcompensation was a bit humorous.  Every team scored a perfect round.  A fun waste of all of our time.

Renaissance Festivals are cool.  You get dressed up like a Lord of the Rings character, speak in poor English accents and eat turkey legs while ogling the corseted maidens that tarry hither and thither.  If that doesn't sound like fun to you, your life has become sad.  I'm sorry for that.

Zorro the Gay Blade is an easily missed gem of a movie.  View all 7 parts of it on youtube here and thank me next week.             http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIU28OsI_84 

Tonight at Treff's, the general consensus was that dubstep sucks, but I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't point out that Hannah, the hot bar maid who keeps you all good and wasted, thinks it's awesome.  So, if you want a shot with Hannah, get into dubstep.

Dubstep Inspector Gadget theme song is as awesome as it sounds.

Yes, The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was not as awesome as it could have/should have been.  Yes, it was weird and hokey and campy and ridiculous at times.  I'm not excusing Steven Spielberg anymore than I have George Lucas.  I'm simply giving you the opportunity to put it in perspective.  ALL of the Indiana Jones movies have had their weird, hokey, campy, ridiculous moments.

A mirage will drown you.  The Northern Lights will drown you.  Watch the fuck out 'cause everything is out to get you.  Tonight, we added 'pretty lights' and 'your imagination' to the list.  The more you know...

It was great to have Daren, Joel, Melissa and Chris of the original team Candy Van back tonight rocking my favorite name, Two Heads Are Better Than One and Three or More is Bukkake.  It was also cool to see that the time away hasn't been too hard as they came in and won the night.  Way to go, folks.  The Swamp Donkeys and team Junior Seau Shot in the Chest, Where Was George Zimmerman tied for second, but no dance off, wet t-shirt contest or arm wrestling was to be had.  I haven't seen so many weenies since that hot dog truck crashed into that gay bar (insert Family Guy flashback here).  In the end, it was decided by a coin toss.  We Fly Planes also made a not-so-triumphant return tonight finishing in the coveted 'Not Last Place' position, just in front of the seven member team, This is For Brodie.  Obligatory rule-enforcing time: no more than six people on a team.  I expected one of the gentlemen on the team to leave so that blondie could stay, but when they kicked her out instead, the bar turned into a real nice, collective person and said that she could stay.  That was sweet, really it was, but let's not test our charity or my ability to be a hard-ass again.  The guy who wrote 'Aurora Borealis,' that guy can never play again.  I just made it easy for you.  I'm sure that I'm leaving something out, but I'm tired, it's late and you've all had your fair share of my wit and charm for one evening.  Next week, you can hear me bitch about moving.  I hate moving.

Be Excellent to Each Other.

Matthew

SHIT!  I DID miss something!  Congrats sooo much on the recent nuptials of Mark and Megan.  In the name of everyone who aspires to kick your ass every week, may I wish a long and wonderful life together.  Cheers.

We started tonight in a new way: publicly chastising a faceless man or woman that, when left to my own devices, I imagine with the face of a burn victim and the body of Rosie Odonell.  If you were there, you know where my ire was aimed and you heard the most bitching you will likely ever hear from me.  Thank you for your patience.  I now look forward to each of your likely pitiful attempts at 'snark' in the comment section below and are ready to embrace the possible adulations and accolades that may be scattered therein.  One can only hope.  In other news, JOURNEY!!!  That's right, tonight's music was brought to you by the number '2,' the letter 'P' and those sexy, long haired men of the original Journey.  I'm always surprised by how well Journey spans the age gap and tonight, as the entire bar held the person closest to them (same sex, gay, straight, friend, lover or otherwise) and sang the chorus to "Open Arms," I believe that we all made a memory.  It was a beautiful moment and I'm glad that we all got to share it, like one big inebriated orgy of love.  Let's see what we learned tonight:

'Don't be a dick' applies in real life too.  Just try it out.  If you're a dick, the Feaster Bunny WILL come for you.  JVG, you're on notice.  Next April, I'd watch my back if I were you. 

Indiana Jones sold Short Round into slavery after the events of the Temple of Doom.  That's why you never see him anymore.  Sorry to break it to you.

Hunger Strike has never been sung by Pearl Jam.  The next time this song comes on, and it will, I'm deducting points for Pearl Jam or else you'll never learn.

Say When: Science Fiction?  Fuck yeah!  Sign me up!  With the exception of a lack of knowledge on Zefram Cochrane, the father of the warp drive, you guys did as well as I hoped that you would, which was awesome.  Sorry for the Daffy Duck thing in relation to Lost in Space.  I legitimately don't know...

Carnage is the red one.  Venom is the black one.  You'll never have an excuse for confusing the two ever again.

The answer 'Stanley Spudowski' won't get you a point, but it will get you a beer from your quizmaster and fellow UHF fan.  Nice Vic!

Fromme is pronounced 'froh-mee' ( http://inogolo.com/pronunciation/Fromme ) and Koch is pronounced 'coke' (http://www.reddit.com/r/answers/comments/q413i/how_do_you_pronounce_the_name_koch_as_in_the_koch/ ).  Those were the best links I could find.

Typo in the quiz: it IS Cards Against (as opposed to 'Agains') Humanity and the link for it is here - http://cardsagainsthumanity.com/  Someone tell me if it's funny. 

According to a few of you, Space Jam was apparently one of the best movies ever made.  I literally had no idea.  I'll have to add that to my library of classics.

So there were a few cool things that happened tonight.  I once again assumed that familiar faces meant a knowledge of the rules and neglected reading them, causing a very awkward round 2.  I try to keep from boring my usuals with the same shtick every week by not reading the rules if I don't have to...but fuck...  Anyway, next week, whether I know you so well that you're about to ask me to godfather your kid (like 6 of you, I think) or not, don't worry, the complete, descriptive rules will be read.  In other news, Emo Oedipus not only finished on top tonight, but way, way on top.  My score for the evening was 60 and I was feeling pretty good about it.  After beating the 2nd and 3rd place teams, Live Badass and Ramrod respectively, I was confident that I would sweep the entire bar tonight.  But lo, out of the east rode Emo Oedipus with a perfect, jokered round 4 ensuring, not just victory, but annihilation of their foes.  Well done guys.  Well done indeed. 

::sigh::  Alright my minions, the comment section awaits.  Go forth and show me what distasteful or surprisingly pleasant people that you can be.  I'm excited, just leave a name...bunch of ass dicks...*grumble grumble*...

Be Excellent to Each Other.

Matthew

• Bumsted's - Tucson 8:00 PM
• The Canyon's Crown Restaurant & Pub - Tucson 8:00 PM
• Redwing Bar & Grill - San Diego 8:00 PM
• D Note - Arvada 6:30 PM
• Noonan's Tavern - Aurora 8:00 PM
• Dad & Dude's Breweria - Centennial 8:00 PM
• Old Chicago (Tejon) - Colorado Springs 8:00 PM
• Casey's Bistro and Pub - Denver 9:00 PM
• Moe's BBQ (North) - Denver 8:00 PM
• Nicolo's Pizza - Denver 8:00 PM
• Old Chicago (Market Street) - Denver 8:00 PM
• Rooster & Moon - Denver 7:00 PM
• The HandleBar Tavern - Denver 8:00 PM
• The Rackhouse Pub - Denver 8:00 PM
• Zio Romolo's Alley Bar - Denver 8:00 PM
• The Tavern at St. Michael's Square - Greeley 8:00 PM
• Tomichi Tavern - Gunnison 8:00 PM
• Monroe's Lounge - Loveland 7:30 PM
• Piper Pub - Boise 8:00 PM
• The Spirit Bar - Cambridge 8:00 PM
• Shoppers Cafe - Waltham 8:00 PM
• Coaches Sports Grill - Albuquerque 9:00 PM
• Greenhouse Bar - Nashville 8:00 PM
• Nomad Bar - Austin 8:00 PM
• Strange Brew - Austin 7:30 PM
• Capital Bar - Fort Worth 7:00 PM
• Christian's Tailgate (Heights) - Houston 8:00 PM
• The Maple Leaf Pub - Houston 8:00 PM
• TRUELOVE - Waco 8:00 PM
• Lumpy's Downtown - Salt Lake City 8:00 PM
• Rapture - Charlottesville 8:00 PM
• Merchants Cafe and Saloon - Seattle 8:00 PM
• The Highliner Pub - Seattle 8:00 PM
• The Ram Restaurant & Brewery (Tacoma) - Tacoma 8:30 PM