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Aqua Lounge
1417 Krameria Street
Denver, CO 80220
Wednesdays: 7:00 PM
Comment Now
10:50 PM, May 16, 2012
Scores
Quiz Team Aguilera 78
Homo House-Hunting Horrors Hasten Homicides 72
The dangle ofÉ 64
An Intimate Affair At Aqua
Gryffindork



Quiz Schedule
Monday Nights: British Bulldog @ 8pm, Wednesdays Nights: The Aqua Lounge @ 7pm 		Jason (Gryffindork)

My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize. He would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds...pretty standard, really. At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum; it's breathtaking. I suggest you try it.

Tonight’s quiz was a lot of fun. I never have to rush at Aqua Lounge, which is a nice change of pace for me after my quick-paced Monday night quiz at the Bulldog. But tonight we took extra care, did it nice and slow, and made it last. It was like tantric quiz. It now occurs to me that I missed a perfect opportunity to play some Barry White. Damn!

Regardless, I always have fun quizzing with you guys, and nights like tonight, where I get to ramble a bit and have more back-and-forth with you guys, are a lot of fun. I’ve said it many times and I’ll say it again: I’ve QMed at a lot of venues (20+), and the British Bulldog and Aqua Lounge are my favorites, hands down. I’m not a bar guy, so it takes a special kinda place for me to feel at home, and I’m supremely lucky to have two quizzes a week in what I consider to be the best bars in town. As exciting as my impending move is, it truly bums me out that I have to give up these quizzes. Alas, the commute from Oregon to Denver is a bitch.

Oh, and remember how I told you I wrote a short story about a guy named Dick Yangherkin? Well, I lied. His name was Woody, not Dick. Check it out here if you’re bored.

And don’t forget: my mom just might be at next week’s quiz! Not sure how that’ll go, but it should be interesting.

 

Track List:

Tom Petty – American Girl

Beyonce – Baby Boy

The Warblers (from Glee) – Raise Your Glass

The Clash – Police & Thieves

Bob Marley – Buffalo Soldier

The Dan Band – Flashdance…What a Feeling/Fame

George Michael – Faith

Matt & Kim – Good Ol’ Fashion Nightmare

The Troggs – Wild Thing

Mariah Carey – Honey (Remix)

Nancy Sinatra – These Boots Are Made For Walkin’

The Monkees – Daydream Believer

Michael Jackson – P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)

Michael Jackson – Burn This Disco Out

Mary Wells – My Guy

Morris Day & The Time – Jungle Love

The Misfits - Skulls

 

The Rundown

Round 1: Duh!

High Score: 5 (achieved by Homo House-Hunting Horrors Hasten Homicides, Quiz Team Aguilera, and The dangle of…) 

Average Score: 5/8

Low Score: 5

 

Round 2: Know Your Place (Audio Round)

High Score: 16 + joker (achieved by Homo House-Hunting Horrors Hasten Homicides)

Average Score: 15/16

Low Score: 14

 

Round 3: Mythbusters or Ghostbusters

High Score: 7 (achieved by Quiz Team Aguilera, and The dangle of…)

Average Score: 5.67/8

Low Score: 3

 

Round 4: Things Girls Compare Your Small Penis To

High Score: 8 (achieved by Homo House-Hunting Horrors Hasten Homicides and The dangle of…)

Average Score: 7.67/8

Low Score: 7

 

Round 5: She Likes It From Behind (Visual Round)

High Score: 7 (achieved by Homo House-Hunting Horrors Hasten Homicides)

Average Score: 6/8

Low Score: 5

 

Round 6: Locks, Stocks, & Barrels

High Score: 7 (achieved by Quiz Team Aguilera and The dangle of…)

Average Score: 6.33/8

Low Score: 5

 

Round 7: Paging Ellen Page (Audio Round)

High Score: 6 (achieved by Quiz Team Aguilera)

Average Score: 4/8

Low Score: 2

 

Round 8: Random Knowledge

High Score: 10 (achieved by Homo House-Hunting Horrors Hasten Homicides and Quiz Team Aguilera)

Average Score: 9/16

Low Score: 7

 

This week’s E-mail Bonus Question winner was Danny, who got Anime Eye Glasses! Super happy funtime OK!

 

3rd Place: The dangle of…

 

2nd Place: Homo House-Hunting Horrors Hasten Homicides

 

1st Place: Quiz Team Aguilera

 

Aqua Lounge
1417 Krameria Street
Denver, CO 80220
Wednesdays: 7:00 PM
Comment Now
10:22 AM, May 10, 2012
Scores
Out of Hibearnation 74
Quiz Team Aguilera 72
Cockamamie Carolina Constitution Cripples Couples 70
The S-Men 67
The Enterprise 65
Sit On My Facebook 63
No Name 55
Chunko Lesbos 45
God Hates Gay Marriage
Gryffindork



Quiz Schedule
Monday Nights: British Bulldog @ 8pm, Wednesdays Nights: The Aqua Lounge @ 7pm 		Jason (Gryffindork)

My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize. He would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds...pretty standard, really. At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum; it's breathtaking. I suggest you try it.

Well! President Obama just announced his support for gay marriage, so it's time to take this thing out, dust it off, and put it on display again. Enjoy*!

 

We all know that gay marriage is an abomination that will forever sully the sacred institution of marriage, destroy society, and upset the natural balance and order of our Lord God’s universe. The signs of our Lord's displeasure are there for all to see: He, knowing our wicked ways, has blessed us with antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea; new episodes of Jersey Shore continue to be made; and MCA has died, while Kesha continues to make us all feel dirty on the inside.

“But Gryffindork,” you say, “how do we know God hates gays?”

Well, friend, the answer is simple: It’s in the Bible. The Bible gives us a very clear answer to this question. If you read Leviticus, you shall know our kind and gentle God for the gay-hating deity that he is. Leviticus 18:22 says, “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is an abomination.” Clearly, God hates gays. If you need more proof, look no further than Lev. 20:13, which states, “If a man lie with mankind, as he lie with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death.” This is a clear indictment of homosexuality, and even suggests you go out and bash some homos (bring the kids; it’s fun for the whole family). So as you can see, God hates gays with a passion pure and true.

“But Gryffindork, doesn’t Jesus say that we should all love one another? Didn’t he tell us to ‘judge not, lest ye be judged’”?

I’m glad you brought that up, friend. You see, sometimes it can be hard to tell what God hates, especially with Jesus’ message of love and understanding mucking things up. First of all, God knew that the Bible was a really, really long book, and that most people would have neither the time nor the twelfth grade reading level necessary to read it all. That’s why he put the really important parts like Leviticus in the front. So when in doubt, ignore Jesus’ hippy rantings in favor of the Old Testament’s more wrathful take on things.

Second, most people have an incomplete Bible. Most Bibles completely omit the Gospel of Cletus, the thirteenth apostle. Cletus was once an attendant at a Roman bath, until Jesus showed him how totally gay it is to stand around helping naked men all day. As a result, Cletus quit his gay job in order to follow another man around the Holy Land. The Gospel of Cletus shows Jesus’ true feelings about homosexuality, which the other homo-loving apostles left out. Cletus 13:34-37 clearly states, “A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. Excepting, of course, those damn queers. Oh, and brown people. God, I hate brown people. I guess what I’m trying to say is that ye should love those people which ye hold dear, and feel free to hate everyone else. I mean, c’mon. How hard would it be to actually love everyone? That’d be, like, impossible.” As you can see, a complete Bible shows us the way our good Lord really feels about all manner of things.

“Thank you, Gryffindork, for showing me the light. I now understand why I should hate gays. But did God say anything about gay marriage? Would it really be so bad if gays were granted the rights they so desperately seek?”

A fine question, my good friend. No, God doesn’t say anything about gay marriage explicitly, but it’s easy to read between the lines. Marriage is a sacred institution, meant to be shared between a man and a woman. We heterosexuals treat marriage’s sanctity with the proper amount of respect. Elizabeth Taylor is a shining example of this. She loved and respected the institution of marriage so much that she got married eight times! Praise Jesus, that's commitment to an institution!

If gays were allowed to marry they would desecrate the institution with their flirty eyes, pouty lips, and hard, washboard abs. How could a man resist the urge to cheat or divorce when constantly faced with the firm yet supple man-ass that surrounds him at gay clubs, gay restaurants, and gay libraries? It’s impossible, and God knows it. Thus, he hates gay marriage. And as for wanting to be able to visit each other in the hospital, inherit each other’s belongings, and get tax breaks . . .what do gays think they are? Human?

I’m glad we had this talk, friends. I hope that I have cleared up any doubts that you may have had regarding the evil nature of gayness and gay marriage. Never forget that it is a pestilence that will spread throughout the land, infecting us all with good fashion sense, the desire to go to the gym, and a love of show tunes. Now if you’ll excuse me, the Lord has just commanded me to go take a cold shower.

 

*Oh yeah, and there was a quiz and stuff, too. Where to even start with all that! First, it was busy as all hell! That was the biggest crowd we’ve had in a while, and I’d like to think we all enjoyed ourselves immensely.

On top of that, Round 2 featured the work of Apologetix, who are aptly named, as they should be on their knees and begging good taste and logic for forgiveness for their assault on them. Seriously, that kind of willful ignorance pisses me off.

It was a solid quiz overall; I love me those Balderdash rounds, and we even had a round that was partially on Dostoevsky’s Crime & Punishment, which I really enjoyed. But the real story was Ken Jennings, Jeopardy geek extraordinaire, did a round for us last night. Cool beans!

 

Track List:

Lauryn Hill – Doo Wop (That Thing)

Cee-Lo Green – Fuck You

Beck – Go It Alone

The Jackson 5 – It’s Your Thing

Adam Ant – Goody Two Shoes

T. Rex – 20th Century Boy

Tom Jones – Sexbomb

Queen – Somebody To Love

The Monkees – Daydream Believer

Loverboy – Working For the Weekend

The Ramones – I Wanna Be Sedated

Sublime – Caress Me Down

ABBA – Waterloo

Alicia Keys – Wreckless Love

Men Without Hats – The Safety Dance

Portishead – Sour Times

Flight of the Conchords – Business Time

B.o.B. – Magic

Carl Carlton – She’s a Bad Mama Jama (She’s Built, She’s Stacked)

 

The Rundown

Round 1: E-ville, Like the Fru-its of the Deh-ville

High Score: 8 (achieved by Sit On My Facebook) 

Average Score: 5.88/8

Low Score: 4

 

Round 2: Jesus Told Me To Make Lame Parodies (Audio Round)

High Score: 14 + joker (achieved by Quiz Team Aguilera, Out of Hibearnation, and The S-Men)

Average Score: 12.1/16

Low Score: 9

 

Round 3: Balderdash

High Score: 8 (achieved by Cockamamie Carolina Constitution Cripples Couples, The Enterprise, and Sit On My Facebook)

Average Score: 6.88/8

Low Score: 4

 

Round 4: Crime & Punishment

High Score: 6 (achieved by Sit On My Facebook and Cockamamie Carolina Constitution Cripples Couples)

Average Score: 4.25/8

Low Score: 2

 

Round 5: Ele-mentality (Visual Round)

High Score: 7 (achieved by Out of Hibearnation)

Average Score: 5.13/8

Low Score: 2

 

Round 6: I Got 99 Problems, But Trebek Ain’t One

High Score: 6 (achieved by Out of Hibearnation)

Average Score: 3.88/8

Low Score: 3

 

Round 7: Animals Talk, Just Not To You (Audio Round)

High Score: 8 (achieved by Quiz Team Aguilera)

Average Score: 4.63/8

Low Score: 1

 

Round 8: Random Knowledge

High Score: 13 + joker (achieved by Cockamamie Carolina Constitution Cripples Couples)

Average Score: 9.75/16

Low Score: 6

 

This week’s E-mail Bonus Question winner was Danny, who got a growing alligator. Well, a fake one.

 

3rd Place: Cockamamie Carolina Constitution Cripples Couples

 

2nd Place: Quiz Team Aguilera

 

1st Place: Out of Hibearnation

Aqua Lounge
1417 Krameria Street
Denver, CO 80220
Wednesdays: 7:00 PM
Comment Now
10:08 AM, May 03, 2012
Scores
Quiz Team Aguilera 59
Which one is the hunky Thor guy? 53
Peter Piper Pickled Peckers 51
Sit on my Facebook 48
Mole, Chittlins & Mash 47
Dang man that's my butthole! 41
God Save the Queen
Gryffindork



Quiz Schedule
Monday Nights: British Bulldog @ 8pm, Wednesdays Nights: The Aqua Lounge @ 7pm 		Jason (Gryffindork)

My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize. He would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds...pretty standard, really. At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum; it's breathtaking. I suggest you try it.

Man, last night’s quiz was a toughie! Not one team scored double digits on Round 2 or 8, for perhaps the first time ever in my days as a quizmaster. Not that I can blame you. Round 8 was definitely tough, and Round 2 featured some truly atrocious covers by agro metal bands and whiny emo “punk” bands. They were hard to listen to, let alone decipher.

Here’s the thing: as I’ve said a million times before, I love music. I’m an open-minded guy, and I try to find something to like when I hear new music. But then there’re these bands today like Slipknot and Cannibal Corpse, whose music—and I use that term as loosely as possible—sounds akin to a bunch of Tourette’s-afflicted epileptics flailing away at musical instruments while accompanied by the vocal stylings of walruses being crushed in a trash compactor.

I don’t get it. Truly. I don’t understand why anyone would purposefully listen to this crap, let alone make it. I like rock—hell, I even like some metal—but this isn’t rock. It’s noise. It’s tenuously controlled dissonance. As far as I’m concerned, this is dejected white trash who’ve watched too many slasher flicks. This, on the other hand, I can get down with. Classic-sounding guitar riffs, a drummer who clearly hasn’t ingested his body weight in crystal meth, and vocals that sound human, not to mention archetypal subject matter. Sign me up.

And then we’ve got today’s “punk” bands. I can’t even type “punk” in this context without the quotes. It’s awful. So, so awful. “Punk” has become the domain of disillusioned suburban post-adolescents who don’t know what to do with themselves. “I work at McDonald’s and it sucks, so I’m going to write a song expressing my feelings about my quasi-adult ennui, then slap on a couple of wrist bands, get a tatt or two, and swipe some gelled hair across my face in an asymmetrical manner and call it punk.” I call this bastardization of punk the Blink-182 Effect, since most of these whiny bitches suckled on the teats of Blink.

By and large, today’s “punk” is as un-punk as it gets. I’m not even sure if true punk is being made these days (if it is, I haven’t heard it). Punk is about life on the dirty edges of society. It’s about getting in the Man’s face—right up in it—and yelling “Fuck you!” It’s the realization that societal norms are often just a means of controlling you, and saying, “You can’t control me, motherfucker!” I don’t care how many tatts they have or how asymmetrical their hair is, Good Charlotte is not punk. Rise Against is not punk. These are overgrown kids who want their mommies to make everything ok. The Ramones are punk. The Misfits are punk. The motherfucking Sex Pistols are the zenith of punk.

I can’t find a copy to link to, but hunt down the Sex Pistols’ cover of “Roadrunner” from the album The Great Rock ‘n’ Roll Swindle. Johnny Rotten doesn’t even know the fucking words to the song he’s covering. That, boys and girls, is punk!

 

Track List:

The Young Rascals – Groovin’

The Five Stairsteps – O-O-H Child

Dr. Horrible Cast – So They Say

Marvin Gaye – Got To Give It Up (Part 1)

The Beatles – When I’m Sixty-Four

Otis Day & The Knights – Shama Lama Ding Dong

John Lee Hooker – Boom Boom

En Vogue – Giving Him Something He Can Feel

Richard Cheese – Guerrilla Radio

Raphael Saadiq – Heart Attack

Goldfinger – Superman

AC/DC – Back In Black

The Stooges – T.V. Eye

Smokey Robinson – Shop Around

Drake – The Motto

Jay-Z vs. Flight of the Conchords – Hola’ Hovito vs. The Most Beautiful Girl (In the Room)

Beck – Debra

Jimmy Soul – If You Want To Be Happy

Destiny’s Child – No, No, No, Pt. 2

John Legend – Slow Dance

 

The Rundown

Round 1: Mystery Round

High Score: 7 (achieved by Quiz Team Aguilera and Which one is the hunky Thor guy?) 

Average Score: 5.5/8

Low Score: 4

 

Round 2: Xtreme Covers (Audio Round)

High Score: 8 (achieved by Quiz Team Aguilera)

Average Score: 6/16

Low Score: 5

 

Round 3: I’ll Earn When I’m Dead

High Score: 4 (achieved by Peter Piper Pickled Peckers)

Average Score: 2.67/8

Low Score: 1

 

Round 4: Recently In Stuff: Round the World Edition

High Score: 7 (achieved by Peter Piper Pickled Peckers)

Average Score: 5.5/8

Low Score: 4

 

Round 5: Do Not Adjust Your TV (Visual Round)

High Score: 8 + joker (achieved by Sit on my Facebook and Dang man that’s my butthole!)

Average Score: 7.83/8

Low Score: 7

 

Round 6: I Love My Dead Gay Round

High Score: 6 (achieved by Quiz Team Aguilera, Which one is the hunky Thor guy? and Peter Piper Pickled Peckers)

Average Score: 4.67/8

Low Score: 2

 

Round 7: The Last Time Something This Big Dropped It Ended World War II (Audio Round)

High Score: 6 (achieved by Mole, Chittlins & Mash and Which one is the hunky Thor guy?)

Average Score: 4.67/8

Low Score: 2

 

Round 8: Random Knowledge

High Score: 8 (achieved by Quiz Team Aguilera)

Average Score: 6.5/16

Low Score: 5

 

This week’s E-mail Bonus Question winner was C.J., who got some Awesome Cards!

 

3rd Place: Peter Piper Pickled Peckers

 

2nd Place: Which one is the hunky Thor guy?

 

1st Place: Quiz Team Aguilera

 

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