Woo! What a quiz! Questions were quested! Answers were ansed! Things happened, and stuff took place! No mere collection of words could properly describe the unique and memorable events that took place!

Dog movies! Some chick named #julia! Little Miss Sunshine being bangable!

Wait, what?

Yep, Little Miss Sunshine is now legal in 30 out of 50 states. Not sure what her status is in Guam or Puerto Rico, but I can guess what it might be in the Not-So-Virgin Islands. *Nudge nudge wink wink*

Personally, I think an age of consent is a little silly. Not trying to sound creepy or anything, but if the individual in question—male or female—has hit puberty and wants some naked time then I say, “Have fun! I’ve got a couple of suggestions for you.” My sexual motto is “If it ain’t hurtin’ nobody then knock yourself out! And it’s even ok to hurt somebody, so long as they get off on it.”

The one exception to this is necrophilia. That’s someone’s Mee-Maw, you sick fuck. Oh, and bestiality, I suppose. Whatever you’re bumpin’ uglies with needs to be able to consent to the act. So I guess my motto is more like “If it ain’t hurtin’ nobody then knock yourself out! And it’s even ok to hurt somebody, so long as they get off on it. Just make sure consent is given at some point, and ‘Baaaaaaa!’ doesn’t count.”

For realsies, though, I don’t care what you do in the privacy of your bedroom, so long as it’s consensual. If poop is your thing, then get nasty with it. I sure as hell don’t want to take part in poo play, but if having a big juicy steamer dropped on your chest is what gets you off then find someone of a like mind and stock up on prunes. Your best bet for happiness: the Internet. What a wonderful way for people with fucked up paraphilias to find each other and be happy! Go forth and do shit that would make most people throw up in the back of their mouth a little bit.

Just use protection, boys and girls. We don’t need young’uns giving birth to more young’uns. That’s how stupid people are born.

Well, that and incest.

Track List:

Kool & The Gang – Get Down On It

The Fugees – Zealots

The Darkness – I Believe I a Thing Called Love

Nerf Herders – Courtney

Jimmy Soul – If You Want To Be Happy

The Chiffons – One Fine Day

Stevie Wonder – Uptight (Everything’s Alright)

Squirrel Nut Zippers – Memphis Exorcism

Oasis – Supersonic

Bobby Brown – My Prerogative

A Taste of Honey – Boogie Oogie Oogie

Parliament – Tear the Roof Off the Sucker

Weird Al Yankovic – Dare To Be Stupid

Rose Royce – Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

Pearl Jam – Yellow Ledbetter

Digital Underground – Humpty Dance

The Rundown

Round 1: There Can Be Only One

High Score: 8 (achieved by The Piccadilly Twitz, No Means Yes, and Let’s Get Quizzical) 

Average Score: 6/8

Low Score: 4

Round 2: Dark vs. Light (Audio Round)

High Score: 15 + joker (achieved by Let’s Get Quizzal)

Average Score: 11.8/16

Low Score: 9

Round 3: Little Miss Sunshine Is Now Little Miss Legal

High Score: 8 (achieved by Hungry, Hungry Hypocrites, and I wish this mic was a dick)

Average Score: 6.11/8

Low Score: 4

Round 4: The (Secret) Life of #julia

High Score: 7 (achieved by five teams)

Average Score: 6.33/8

Low Score: 4

Round 5: Ele-mentality (Visual Round)

High Score: 8 + joker (achieved by Harry Carey and The Atomic Wedgies)

Average Score: 7.11/8

Low Score: 5

Round 6: Who’s a Good Guy? Who’s a Good Guy?

High Score: 6 (achieved by The Piccadilly Twitz and The Atomic Wedgies)

Average Score: 4.44/8

Low Score: 3

Round 7: Road Trip, (Non) American Style (Audio Round)

High Score: 7 (achieved by Hungry, Hungry Hypocrites)

Average Score: 4.33/8

Low Score: 0

Round 8: Random Knowledge

High Score: 12 (achieved by The Piccadilly Twitz and Morning Mast)

Average Score: 10.1/16

Low Score: 8

This week’s E-mail Bonus Question winner was Taylor, who got himself a squirrel coffee cup!

3^rd Place: Let’s Get Quizzical!

2^nd Place: Morning Mast

1^st Place: The Piccadilly Twitz

As many of you know, I don’t drink very often. There are two reasons for this. First, I don’t like the taste of alcohol. I’ve heard more than one person say, “You don’t drink it because it tastes good,” and I get that, but then there’s the second reason I don’t drink: I’m just not a huge fan of the sensation of being drunk. I know you normies love it, but it’s never really been my thing to have my speech and motor functions impaired and to have the room get all spinny. And throwing up is bad. Very bad. I know it’s crazy, but I just don’t enjoy stomach acid and bits of Almost Pizza ejecting itself out of my nose. Up until I got a wicked case of the flu a few years back, I hadn’t vomited in over a decade and I was quite happy with that streak. I’ve started a new streak, but these things take time.

Despite all that, every now and then the moon and stars align and I actually feel like getting drunk. The last time I was spectacularly drunk was at Geek Bowl in January, and if you can imagine me being drunk enough to talk like Will Ferrell doing his Harry Caray impression for four straight hours then you can imagine what that night was like. I didn’t get that drunk last night, which is probably a good thing, because here I am now, up relatively early and writing my blog while only mildly dehydrated. Still, it was fun, and I don’t feel like it interfered with the quiz, perhaps because we had Dave along for the ride while finishing up his training.

As for the quiz itself, scores were not only pretty high, but very close. It’s not often that we see a mere 3-point differential between 1^st and 4^th. That said, the Twitz continued their on again/off again domination (1-point domination!). And while the quiz was pretty easy on the whole, our 50/50 round that asked you to differentiate between the batshit antics of Mel Gibson and Gary Busey laid waste to you like Gozer the Destructor decimated the Shubs and Zulls when he took the form of a Giant Sloar. It may not have been roasting-in-the-depths-of-the-Sloar bad, but it got pretty ugly; 40% of you got a 1 on the round. Next time you’re asked to pick the form of the Destructor, might I suggest this?

And those Ghostbusters jokes mean I’ve hit my quota of mildly obscure pop culture references, which means I’m out! See ya next week!

Track List:

Hall & Oates – Private Eyes

Beck – Hotwax

Binary Star – Slang Blade

Prince – When Doves Cry

INXS – Need You Tonight

The Beastie Boys – Brass Monkey

Michael Jackson – Burn This Disco Out

The Jimi Hendrix Experience – All Along the Watchtower

Adele – Chasing Pavements

Sublime – Scarlet Begonias

The Five Satins – In the Still of the Night

Chrispy – Inspector Gadget Theme (Dubstep Remix)

Queen Latifah – U.N.I.T.Y.

The Black Keys – Gold On the Ceiling

The Cult – Fire Woman

The Rolling Stones – Honky Tonk Woman

Gorillaz – 19-2000

Free – All Right Now

The Rundown

Round 1: State Haiku

High Score: 8 (achieved by six teams) 

Average Score: 7.5/8

Low Score: 6

Round 2: Spell It Out (Audio Round)

High Score: 13 + joker (achieved by The Piccadilly Twitz)

Average Score: 9.78/16

Low Score: 8

Round 3: Gary Busey of Mel Gibson

High Score: 4 (achieved by Shadrach, Meschach, MCA Don’t Go)

Average Score: 2.1/8

Low Score: 1

Round 4: Fantasy Islands

High Score: 8 (achieved by Mathematically Still in it)

Average Score: 5.5/8

Low Score: 3

Round 5: The Next Best Thing To Cloning (Visual Round)

High Score: 7 (achieved by five teams)

Average Score: 6.56/8

Low Score: 6

Round 6: The Adventures of Crack-Man & Donkey Bong

High Score: 8 + joker (achieved by Spies Like Us)

Average Score: 7/8

Low Score: 5

Round 7: Yo Mamma So Craaaaazy!! (Audio Round)

High Score: 8 + joker (achieved by Uncle Limpy’s Hump Palace)

Average Score: 6.7/8

Low Score: 4

Round 8: Random Knowledge

High Score: 13 + joker (achieved by Toasters & Bathtubs)

Average Score: 11/16

Low Score: 9

This week’s E-mail Bonus Question winner was Todd, I think, and he got a cup made especially for squirrels!

3^rd Place: Shadrach, Meschach, MCA Don’t Go

2^nd Place: Mathemetically Still in it

1^st Place: The Piccadilly Twitz

Last night’s quiz featured a question about Green Acres, the old classic about a rich guy deciding to take his ol’ lady and move out of the city and into the country, where they adopt a pig named Arnold. I don’t know what’s more unbelievable about the show: that a rich guy would move to the country, or that they don’t eat Arnold in the show’s entire six-season run. I guess it’s the former, since I find it hard to imagine a rich person these days who isn’t a lazy sack of shit (sorry, but moving Mommy and Daddy’s money around on the stock market doesn’t count as work), yet they all inexplicably seem to think that poor people working two jobs are the lazy ones.

<rant>America’s taken a funny turn, boys and girls. And I don’t mean “funny ha-ha.” Have you read Stephen King’s essay on wanting to be taxed more? You should. I’ve loved this guy since I first read Firestarter at around the age of 11. Changed my life, man. He wrote about adult themes and didn’t pull any punches, and it mesmerized my wee developing cerebral cortex. And one literal run-in with a van driven by an asshole later, he’s thankfully still preachin’. And this essay is no exception.

In essence, he’s tired of the GOP’s attitude about higher taxes on the rich. Their line of thought is, “We pay the amount we’re supposed to pay; if you want to pay more, by all means, feel free to do so. Just quit whining about it.”

This is a crock of shit, and King points that out. He states that America used to be about working hard, coming together, helping each other out…It’s now devolved into a capitalistic orgy of excess where it’s every man for himself, and if you’re not doing well then fuck you, you must not be working hard enough.

It’s a sad state of affairs. It doesn’t say much for the human race when the people with more money than they know what to do with aren’t willing to help out others in need. Yeah, yeah, I understand that it’s their money, and that they have the right to do what they want with it. But what no one seems to point out is that their right to act like selfish dicks doesn’t change the fact that they’re still selfish dicks, just like the idea that “the customer is always right” doesn’t change the fact that the customer is often a raging fucking douchebag.

I don’t know about you, but I’d be a pretty badass wealthy person. I don’t buy into the whole “greed is good” bullshit, so my wants are few. I’d like a nice house—not too big, but big enough for me to have a study with a secret room behind a bookcase—a wealth of books and movies, a nice entertainment center to watch them on, and a newer computer with a bigger hard drive, faster processor, and more RAM. Oh, and I’d pay off the student loans of myself and my soon-to-be-wife, and buy a car that doesn’t make me want to beat it with a sledgehammer.

Other than the occasional trip abroad to expand my horizons, that’s literally all I want in life. After those few things are taken care of, I’d be takin’ care of my peeps. My family would get their debts paid off. I’d pay college tuition for anyone in the family, be they sibling, nephew, or even aunt, uncle, or cousin. I’d buy at least a couple of family members desperately needed new houses and cars. I’d hook my best friend of over 20 years up with a bankroll so he could truly pursue his dream of being a professional poker player, and fund my dad’s and father-in-law’s businesses. In short, I’d spread the fuckin’ wealth, man. And come April 15^th, I’d cut a nice fat check to the government, and feel good knowing that it was going to pave roads and educate kids. And I’d still have more money left over than I know what to do with.

Which is why I can’t understand why the fuck these super-wealthy types feel the need to hold their money in a death grip. Yeah, I suppose paying 10 million dollars in taxes sounds painful, but when you earn 75 million dollars a year I don’t know how you’d even notice it was gone. Meanwhile, schools are firing teachers who are already underpaid, bridges all over the country need to be rebuilt, and millions of people around the country are un- or under-insured.

Call them what you want—the wealthy; the 1%; the selfish, avaricious cunts who’d rather burn their money than give it to someone else (I favor the latter)—these people have the means to help this country immensely. Unfortunately, their heads are so far up their ass they can’t even see shit, let alone help anyone.

And the most ironic part of all is that these people are, more often than not, “god-fearing Christians” (or at least claim to be). They’re the same people who pretend to stand for morality (while clutching their money to their heart and telling the poor and hungry to “pull themselves up by their bootstraps”), family values (while they fuck every high-class whore they can find), and freedom (while they do their best to turn back the clock on women’s rights). In short, they’re a bunch of hypocrites—obvious hypocrites—and yet half the country wants these kind of people in power (Did I mention that education is in the shitter in this country? I wonder if those two things are correlated…)

Yes, this is America, Land of the Free, and we all have the right to get rich and hoard as much money as we possibly can. And when someone does that, I have the right to point out what kind of person they are: a spoiled, greedy, hypocritical piece of shit.

But personally, I’d prefer that rich folks simply stop acting like a bunch of emotionless sociopaths, pretend that they have a little compassion and empathy for the rest of the human race, and do what their beloved Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (or hell, even Stephen King!) would do with all that wealth: help other people with it.</rant>

Track List:

The Jimi Hendrix Experience – Wait Until Tomorrow

Led Zeppelin – Heartbreaker

Ghostface Killer – Metal Lungies

Deltron 3030 – Positive Contact

James Brown – Mother Popcorn

Jefferson Airplane – Volunteers

Marvin Gaye – Let’s Get It On

M.I.A. – Paper Planes

Bruce Springsteen – Hungry Heart

Drake – The Lotto (Feat. Lil Wayne)

Little Richard – Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin’ On

Janis Joplin – Mercedes-Benz

The Mamas & The Papas – Creeque Alley

Bob Marley – Mr. Brown

The Troggs – With a Girl Like You

Joan Jett – Crimson & Clover

Louis Prima – Oh Marie

The Bloodhound Gang – Lift Your Head Up High (And Blow Your Brains Out)

Led Zeppelin – Rock & Roll

The Ramones – Psycho Therapy

The Rundown

Round 1: It’s Not Easy Being Green

High Score: 6 (achieved by The Piccadilly Twitz) 

Average Score: 3.63/8

Low Score: 2

Round 2: Fast Food Nation (Audio Round)

High Score: 13 + joker (achieved by The Piccadilly Twitz)

Average Score: 9.63/16

Low Score: 5

Round 3: A Lifetime Supply of Lee Press-On Nails!

High Score: 7 (achieved by The Piccadilly Twitz and The Cirty Dunts)

Average Score: 6.25/8

Low Score: 6

Round 4: This Round Is Brought To You By the Number Six

High Score: 6 (achieved by The Piccadilly Twitz)

Average Score: 4.25/8

Low Score: 2

Round 5: Bonfire of the Vanity Plates (Visual Round)

High Score: 5 (achieved by The Piccadilly Twitz, Sugarplum Faeries and Cirty Dunts)

Average Score: 4.38/8

Low Score: 2

Round 6: Start, Applications, Games

High Score: 7 (achieved by The Piccadilly Twitz)

Average Score: 4.5/8

Low Score: 1

Round 7: A Tribute To Rube Goldberg (Video Round)

High Score: 6 (achieved by The Piccadilly Twitz)

Average Score: 4.63/8

Low Score: 4

Round 8: Random Knowledge

High Score: 13 + joker (achieved by Ron Paul Golden Speculum)

Average Score: 9.57/16

Low Score: 6

This week’s E-mail Bonus Question winner was Taylor, who got a Parasite Pals tape measure and some ranch-flavored toothpicks!

3^rd Place: Sugarplum Faeries

2^nd Place: Ron Paul’s Golden Speculum

1^st Place: The Piccadilly Twitz

Oh, and a special thanks to Shelley for helping out last night. She’s finishing her training up on Wednesday with Jeanette at H Burger, and then we’ll see where she lands. Keep an eye out for her!

• Bumsted's - Tucson 8:00 PM
• The Canyon's Crown Restaurant & Pub - Tucson 8:00 PM
• Redwing Bar & Grill - San Diego 8:00 PM
• D Note - Arvada 6:30 PM
• Noonan's Tavern - Aurora 8:00 PM
• Dad & Dude's Breweria - Centennial 8:00 PM
• Old Chicago (Tejon) - Colorado Springs 8:00 PM
• Casey's Bistro and Pub - Denver 9:00 PM
• Moe's BBQ (North) - Denver 8:00 PM
• Nicolo's Pizza - Denver 8:00 PM
• Old Chicago (Market Street) - Denver 8:00 PM
• Rooster & Moon - Denver 7:00 PM
• The HandleBar Tavern - Denver 8:00 PM
• The Rackhouse Pub - Denver 8:00 PM
• Zio Romolo's Alley Bar - Denver 8:00 PM
• The Tavern at St. Michael's Square - Greeley 8:00 PM
• Tomichi Tavern - Gunnison 8:00 PM
• Monroe's Lounge - Loveland 7:30 PM
• Piper Pub - Boise 8:00 PM
• The Spirit Bar - Cambridge 8:00 PM
• Shoppers Cafe - Waltham 8:00 PM
• Coaches Sports Grill - Albuquerque 9:00 PM
• Greenhouse Bar - Nashville 8:00 PM
• Nomad Bar - Austin 8:00 PM
• Strange Brew - Austin 7:30 PM
• Capital Bar - Fort Worth 7:00 PM
• Christian's Tailgate (Heights) - Houston 8:00 PM
• The Maple Leaf Pub - Houston 8:00 PM
• TRUELOVE - Waco 8:00 PM
• Lumpy's Downtown - Salt Lake City 8:00 PM
• Rapture - Charlottesville 8:00 PM
• Merchants Cafe and Saloon - Seattle 8:00 PM
• The Highliner Pub - Seattle 8:00 PM
• The Ram Restaurant & Brewery (Tacoma) - Tacoma 8:30 PM