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Lumpys Downtown
145 Pier Point Ave
Salt Lake City, UT 84101
Thursdays: 8:00 PM
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12:32 AM, May 17, 2013


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Scores

Murder Pie	86

Quiz Team Running Into The Arms Of A Black Man	85

Fear & Loathing in Mos Eisley	82

Oooh Barracooter!	67

Dick Trickle Went Out With A Bang	64

Pruno Jars	61

Pure Excitement	37

Trenting and Loving It	9

I'm Back Bitches, Like Backstreet Boys Is Back...With Even More Nostalgia...

Sarah

of the time I lost my virginity. Well, that's a lie, but I do know someone that lost their virginity to Backstreet Boys. Moving on to other gross but strangely intriguing things. I started school again this week, and I'm taking Human Anatomy. Even the software of the human bodies is a little bit creepy.

Back to quizzing, though. It was super duper fantastico to be back at Lumpy's after a little sabbatical. It was like a hole was repaired in my heart this week. We had a great game as well with a bunch of switcheroos in the first three places throughout the game. It was a religion heavy quiz this evening with an entire round on The Holy Family, a question on the Feast of The Annunciation, and a round on the gods of cartoon, Seth MacFarlane and Todd McFarlane.

I don't care what any of you say, however, the best part of the night was when I got to impersonate a Jewish grandmother. I have the best New York Jewish grandma voice, right? No? Shut up, you!! It was brilliant, brilliant I say! Although, Trenting and Loving It quit playing during that round, so…their loss. They say they just got caught up drinking and talking, but I know they were just protecting my fragile ego. I appreciate it.

Pruno Jars got a little over-animated with their performance on rounds 5 and 6 when we went over answers, but kind of screwed the pooch going into round 8. They even talked themselves out of answering Lil Kim on a question about female rappers with platinum albums. Quiz Team Running Into The Arms Of A Black Man and Murder Pie battled it out until the end, but Murder Pie took the win by one point at the end. A new winner emerges from the fog!! Not surprising considering they took 8th place at Geek Bowl this year. Impressive work.

Everyone was just faboo tonight! See you next week, and remember to get your raiding party together for June 8th--- Fire Cannot Kill A Quizmaster.

Sarah

Lumpys Downtown
145 Pier Point Ave
Salt Lake City, UT 84101
Thursdays: 8:00 PM
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3:01 PM, May 10, 2013


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Scores

WATTO-EROTIC ASPHYXIATION	84

BITCHES IN MY BASEMENT	76

CROUCHING WOMEN HIDDEN CUCUMBER	76

THE AMAZING RACISTS	75

FIREBALLERS	75

TOUCH ME WHEN I PEE	71

ANYTHING THAT TOBIAS SAID, EVER	67

FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH	67

ANYONE ELSE KNOW WHERE THEIR KIDS ARE?	60

FANG LOVES RIFLE	55

JUST JAKE	52

TRUTV IS DISTRACTING ME	48

A touching mother's day tale.

Boba Fatt

Lumpy's, it's been a little over a year since I saw you last. I was glad to have added another jalapeño cream cheese burger to my death toll, as well as the last of your Redd's, a handful of Strongbows, a couple of Hornsby's, a shot of Laphroaig 10 year, and whatever it was that quizzer bought me.

***

It's mother's day coming up, so I guess I'll go ahead and do a mother story.

I was locked up and/or a ward of the state for most of my years outside of middle school. I was a bad kid early on, but I changed my ways only to deal with a as-yet undiagnosed bi-polar mother. She's actually now in some textbooks out there for her severity (as part of a deal to have sme of her treatments paid for). Anyway, there was the briefest of periods where we did live together and during that time, I went to Stratford High School.

My science teacher was a man by the name of Dr. Jordan. Dr. Jordan was a decent teacher with a sparce acting career that included a role in Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls, or some shit, I don't really care. Well, during class one day Dr. Jordan decided to reject someone's attempt at a late turn-in for a project. I didn't care about the student, but I thought it was funny and said, "Dr. Jordan, you're such a meanie! I'm going to go home and make a website about how much of a meanie you are," making fun of the student more than the kid. Well, Dr. Jordan said go right ahead.

So combining the powers of Angelfire and Braveart, I did in fact make DrJordanIsAMeanie.com and showed it to him the next day on his classroom computer. It garned laughs from the students and a look of "Really?" from his face. It was a simple set-up. It had a picture of Stratford High with a big sign that said "HOME OF THE MEANIE" MS Painted above it and a bleed-in banner effect of Dr. Jordan is A Meanie.Com.

Two class periods later, I'm being called into the principle's office. I have no idea what was just discovered that I had done, but I figure I'll just feign innocence and see what's going on. The principle at the time, a fuck-up known as George McCrackin who gave the go ahead to local police to do this drug raid on the black student population, which ended up in a nearly $2 million dollar lawsuit for the police and school district.

Back to my story, McCrackin has called me into the office and told me I was facing serious charges. Well, I wasn't dealing drugs on school ground (and neither were those kids in the video above apparently) and hadn't blown anything up in a few years, so I had no idea what he was talking about. Turns out, he was calling a school district lawyer to see what the process for slandering a teacher was. My brain went "WAT" as I stared at him intently. "You mean to tell me, calling Dr. Jordan a meanie, is why you called me down here. And not only that, but to threaten to sue me for slander?"

That was EXACTLY why I was down there. This insane person had a stack of printed papers as thick as his skull on the desk stating that was all he needed right there. I was bludgeoned befuddled once again since that Dr. Jordan website was a single page.

Well, it turns out that Angelfire had autolinked my other websites I made with the Dr. Jordan one. One of them was a website for my best friend Jamie who modified stuffed animals and sold them. I actually still have a rabbit that he made me, complete with bloodstains and piercings. Well, turns out having a link back to a website that has things like a burned amputee rabbit with a carrot going into his head (that is the actual animal Jamie made) doesn't make for the greatest portfolio post-Columbine. He's printed every page to show whoever he thinks he can get to a sue a minor for calling a teacher a meanie that I'm unstable for making a website for my friend's morbid stuffed animals.

He tells me to go call my mother, which if he's looking for a voice of reason, is like inviting the wailing flutes of Azathoth. I get on the phone in the office outside where some office worker is sitting at her desk being a busy bee. My mother picks up and I say, "Hey Mom, Stalin and the Red Terror at Straford want you to come down to discuss them suing me for slander because I called a teacher a meanie. *silence* No, that's not a band *silence* I think I offened the office lady because she's going into Stalin's office to complaint that I called Stalin Stalin. *silence* Yeah, I'll behave until you get here, see you then *click*"

My mother was an easy one to switch on the crazy mode. If she didn't agree with something, she had no issue telling you that in a very blunt fashion. What my mother did that day was the greatest thing she ever did besides giving birth to me. No birthday present, no praise, no puppy ever compared to this moment.

Being a thrift store champion like myself, my mother showed up to my high school in a full on male Russian military dress uniform (this is a 2008 model, but it was very close to this), complete with medals she had bought and an aiguillette. Principle McCrackin was in clear shock.

It was hilarious to watch him try to explain the seriouness of these stuffed animals and the slander to my mother who was furrowing her eyes at him so intensely I thought she was trying to use the Force. She sat there silent, like Dexter listening to the pleas of a victim on a kill table. After everything was finally said and done, she turned and looked at me and said, "Jesse, will you take down that website about your teacher?" I nodded yes, trying not to smile. "Do you promise not to call your teacher a meanie again?" I covered my mouth to stifle a laugh and said yes. She then turned to McCrackin and said "Is there anything important you'd like to bring to my attention comrade?" McCrackin turned his weird shade of flushed and pursed his lips like he just drank Tiger Beer. My mother left the office and so did I. I never returned to that office after that day.

So here's to you mom. I haven't talked to you in nearly four years and don't care to, but you did something awesome once in a while.

***

Congratulations to Watto-Erotic Asphyxiation for first place! Hope to see you all again soon!

Lumpys Downtown
145 Pier Point Ave
Salt Lake City, UT 84101
Thursdays: 8:00 PM
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8:41 AM, April 26, 2013


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Scores

The Dutch Rudder	78

Suit & Tie Fighters	77

We Might Be Drunk But At Least We Didn't Go To Fucking Vanderbilt	77

Bolton Wanderers	76

Shut The Fuck Up We're Trying to Quiz	59

Sweat Hogs	46

The Drugs Aren't Mine	36

The Spin Doctors	27

You're The Best In Town, Nothing's Ever Gonna Keep You Down

Sarah

At least that's what Joe "Bean" Esposito told us during our round on winning last night. Beyond that, I could barely hear myself think. Apparently those conference-goers were immune to my cries of Shut The Fuck Up, We're Trying To Quiz. Lots and lot of people in and out all evening, but our quizzers had staying power and would prevail in the end. By prevail I mean finish the quiz and stay through our 3RD WEEK in the past month of a second place tiebreaker. This is getting outrageous. Suit & Tie Fighters who won a dance-off tiebreaker in the past decided to chug it out against We Might Be Drunk But At Least We Didn't Go To Fucking Vanderbilt. I'm not going to ruin the surprise ending for you, but if you look at the team pics I bet you can pick the winner.

Last night's quiz was heavy on the sports knowledge which threw a few of our teams for a loop, but there were also a few rounds of extra nerdy questions to appease the masses. A whole round on Magic and D&D, and our Round 7 audio was a narration by Bilbo Baggins. I think that evens it out, right? After those first few rounds on terrible news, paradise songs, and LARPing being too much work we had a new team in the running for a top prize, The Bolton Wanderers. They just missed out in joining in the tiebreaker by one point and those tie breaking teams missed that 1st place prize by just 1 point as well. The Dutch Rudder had more brains this evening (I'm telling all the other teams, subtly, to get smarter fools). They have been angling for that top spot for awhile now and finally pulled it off.

Sadly, the conference goers scared away a few of the teams for our last round. Even a team of conference goers (I think), The Spin Doctors, decided to opt out because of the noise level of fellow confertites. What? I make up words when I want! Nevertheless, it was a fun game with a round on 19, 84, and 1984 where I got to play all the hits from 1984!! There was some Prince, some Ghostbusters, some Jefferson Starship. It was a jam party. Everybody grooves!

Alright, kids, reminder: quiz is cancelled for next week at Lumpy's Downtown. Private party.

See you soon my loves,

Sarah

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