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The Rackhouse Pub
203 S Kalamath St
Denver, CO 80223
Thursdays: 8:00 PM
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Comment Now
1:27 AM, May 17, 2013
Scores
From My Cold Dead Stranahans 84
Snarky Bitches 70
Don't Audit Me, Bro 69
Andy Van Slyke 68
Liquid Inspiration 68
I Came on Eileen 63
Mershed Perderders 63
TSA Bananarama Grabbers 62
What 59
Prince Harry Visits Stranahan's 57
Caustic Monkeys 57
Rob & SuEllen 56
Intelligent Trousers 56
Socially Awkward 33
Ants 22
Don't smoke meth. Don't eat my baby. Also, don't snort meth.
Tex from Pittsburgh


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Thursdays @ 8 p.m. at the Rackhouse 		Matthew "Tex" (Tex from Pittsburgh)

FUN FACTS ABOUT ME:

I am married to a lovely lady and live in West Denver with my two lovely cats, Lucy and Trousers. We don't have any kids yet and my wife says we can't name any kids Lucy on account of that's what the cat's name is. If I'd have known that I would have named the cat something else, you know? 

The name of the gang is my neighborhood is the "West Ninth Fuk Puppets," judging by the graffiti in my alley.

I collect Cthulhu statuettes, paisley ties, aloha shirts, animal skulls, briar pipes, expired passports off of eBay and smashed pennies. I used to collect pogs but then they stopped selling them.

I've never broken an arm or leg, and never had chicken pox. I am immune to bedbug bites and nearly immune to mosquito bites.

I've been in three fights in my adult life and won 1 1/2 of them.

I went to Spain for my honeymoon. I had diarrhea for seven of the 10 days of the trip.

I won the Phoenix Public Schools spelling bee for 3rd grade in 1990. I got 100 percent on all my spelling tests in 4th grade except for the word "masquerade," which I spelled right, but I got a half point taken off because my sloppy cursive made the "u" look like a "v". But to hell with that. I spelled it right, give me the full point, right?

I must have done other stuff besides that, but that's about all I can think of.

What the hell? I didn’t get a cold all winter – you know, when it’s cold ­­– but now that it’s all nice out, I’ve got the mother of all colds. Can you get gonorrhea in your nose? Because I think I’ve got that.

I went to a local supermarket to get some Sudafed, but they wouldn’t sell it to me. Because, you know, maybe I’m going to use it to make crystal meth. I knew you had to show them a photo ID to buy Sudafed, so I just brought my passport. That’s all I ever carry, because whenever I have a driver’s license, I misplace it within three weeks.

Why do I always lose my driver’s license? Because I haven’t used a wallet since I was 14. Why? Because when I was 14, I sold candy bars for a trip to Washington, D.C. – like a whole fuck-ton of candy bars, also Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups – and I had $110 spending money once I got there. The first day, some friends and I went to the video arcade to play NBA Jam, and we needed to get more quarters really quick so we could continue playing. I rushed over to the change machine, got a buck in quarters, and left my wallet at the damn machine. About an hour later, I’m like, “I’m thirsty. Think I’ll buy a soda pop,” and I reached in my pocket – no wallet. I go back to the arcade – nothin’. I go to lost and found, and I say, “Have you seen my wallet?” And they’re all like, “Have you looked up your butt? Yeah? Did you try around the corner, too?”

So that’s how come I don’t have a wallet or driver’s license -- no sense putting all your eggs in one easily-lost basket. Everyone acts like you have to have your driver’s license physically on you or else you’ll get in trouble if you’re pulled over by the cops. But I’ve been pulled over a fair few times, and I’ve never had my license on me. You just show the cop your passport and he looks it up on this thing called a computer that’s connected to this other thing called the Internet and he sees you are, in fact, allowed to drive. Seriously, to hell with carrying a driver’s license around like it’s Nazi Germany and you have to show the fucking Gestapo your papers.

Anyhow, so I want to buy some Sudafed, but the goddamn Gestapo motherfuckers at King Soopers won’t give me any Sudafed because apparently you can't use a passport as ID to buy cold medicine, you have to have a driver's license. It made me want to make some crystal meth just to spite them. Maybe not make crystal meth, but at least smoke some. I know for a fact it would have been easier for me to buy crystal meth than Sudafed. All you have to do is go down to Civic Center Park and say to a bum, “Hey, there’s five bucks in it for you if you can tell me who I need to talk to to get some crystal meth.” Maybe he’ll make you buy him some malt liquor, because chances are he’s been 86ed from the nearby liquor stores.

So you buy him some Camo or Evil Eye or whatever high-gravity shit they’re drinking nowadays, and then he takes you to see some runaway looking teenage girl. And she knows this guy who knows some other guy and yadda yadda yadda, and next thing you know you’ve got some cystal meth. Or maybe crank, if it was 13 years ago, which is the last time I tried this routine. P.S., does anyone even do crank anymore?

Long story short, I got my mom to buy me some Sudafed, and I felt relatively less like dogshit than I had been feeling by the time quiz started. And what a quiz it was! Action packed! Lotsa larfs & sex! Gorgeous gals! Thrills & chills! Transylvanian parties! Romance!

I was very pleased to be back hosting at the Rackhouse, if only for this one week. A few of you inquired after my kid, Li’l Baby Charlie. I can report that he is not only cute, but he appears to have tender and succulent flesh, and if you were to cook him and eat him, I feel you would not be disappointed. I ask you, however, to refrain from cannibalizing my child, as I’ve grown rather attached to him. I believe it’s also illegal – however, as I have already been sanctioned by the Colorado Supreme Court for the unauthorized practice of law, nothing I say should be construed as legal advice. It is simply my opinion as a nonlawyer layperson that eating my child would violate some law.

I dunno… can I stop writing now? Yeah? Thank God. Good night, and God bless.*

*There is no God.

The Rackhouse Pub
203 S Kalamath St
Denver, CO 80223
Thursdays: 8:00 PM
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Comment Now
11:04 PM, May 09, 2013
Scores
FuckFace Von Clown Stick 85
Still Waiting for a Table 81
From My Cold Dead Stranahan's 72
Natural 71
Juice Bags 70
Red Rockets & Lipstick 69
Daddy, Why is Mommy Crying 68
Hoppsies 63
This Page Intentionally Left Blank 61
Max and Wilfred Killed the Chicken 55
I "Blue" Myself 55
Team Triceratops 53
Pho Sho 51
White Rascals 47
We Have No Idea 47
Dr. COG is not a real Doctor 46
Read the Book, Gatsby Dies 42
Dongle Shpongle 41
Tina's not a giver 34
Ruggles Struggles 19
Dr. K's Afro Was Some Next Level Shit
Mac Lankyhand (funtime Nabokovian anagram alias)


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Quiz Schedule
Thursdays at 8:00, at the Rackhouse in Denver 		Dylan (Mac Lankyhand (funtime Nabokovian anagram alias))

Another sucker wasting some liberal arts degrees. Once presided over the ancestral keep of Pass Manchac Light (pictured) until Hurricane Isaac sank it.

Well shit folks... when that place is packed, I guess that's the way its going to be. The knife's edge betwixt inaudibility and clipping and the din of the masses. We've had a good run of reasonable crowds lately, but when there's a big non-quiz population, it's best to close your eyes and think of England.

The wily veterans “Fuckface Von Clown Stick” get the gold, while “Still Waiting For a Table” is seated and in second, and local favorites “From My Cold Dead Stranahans” takes third.

Pope Cletus... that's some bold self-appellation. Presuming they were still into that gimmick in those days.

Peter the Puffer Fish is needs to watch his ass. Snitches get stitches, Peter. Didn't you learn anything from the Wire?

Martian Manhunter eh? Reading his wikipedia, I was disappointed to learn he is a manhunter who is from mars. I was picturing some racist Arizona vigilante who hunts down martians is a dipsomaniac haze.

Holy Shit! The tale of Lobster Boy is fucked! Wheelchair-bound abusive alcoholic, murdered his would be son-in law, later shot thrice in the head by another carny. I can't believe Harmony Korine hasn't made a movie about this.

Thanks a lot for coming out folks, and bearing with our audio issues. We'll be back next week, better than ever.

The Rackhouse Pub
203 S Kalamath St
Denver, CO 80223
Thursdays: 8:00 PM
View All Posts
Comment Now
10:49 PM, May 02, 2013
Scores
Evil Snarky Bitches 91
Kentucky Fried Derby 85
Sequester? I don't even know her! 83
The Grumpy Cats 80
Rollie Fingers Strikes Back 74
Stranahan's Whiskey Dick 72
From My Cold Dead Stranahan's 70
Poontang State 66
Last Place 63
Waspy Hornet Bees 62
My totem animal is a human centepide 54
The Finalists 53
I wish This Mic was a giant Dick 48
Pitch Please 46
Chocolate Thunder 35
Diccccccccccks 19
Mi Gato Es Muy Guapo 15
The Green Monster 4
There Are No Good Songs About the Holy Ghost
Mac Lankyhand (funtime Nabokovian anagram alias)


Web

Quiz Schedule
Thursdays at 8:00, at the Rackhouse in Denver 		Dylan (Mac Lankyhand (funtime Nabokovian anagram alias))

Another sucker wasting some liberal arts degrees. Once presided over the ancestral keep of Pass Manchac Light (pictured) until Hurricane Isaac sank it.

Howdy everyone,

Another fine week of Pub Quiz. Evil Snarky Bitches seize first in commanding fashion, Kentucky Fried Derby takes second and “Sequester? I don't even know her!” takes third.

I'm still not entirely sure how this Excalibur bit works. Didn't the dude pull that thing from the ol' stone when he was a kid? How'd that shit get into the lake? Drunken bender no doubt. Fucking primordial Englishmen....

Little Richard doing “On Top of Spaghetti” is not as cool as you'd imagine. I was hoping for “The Girl Can't Help It” era Richard, but then I guess Disney was still in their overtly racist phase back then. I can only assume they were homophobes too. Walt Disney was a Nazi sympathizer, right?

This blood lime sounds fairly terrifying, and fairy terrific. Apparently scientists created it to grow in salt water, but that didn't work. Now it just looks like a lime that's full of blood. I would like to make a fine ceviche with blood limes, but I understand I will have to go to Australia to get some.

I assumed Eddie “The Eagle,” was that Agony of Defeat guy, but evidently not. I guess he was just shitty, and inspired all sorts of new rules to keep shitty people out of the Olympics. He looked goofy too.

Teddy Roosevelt was a really cool dude. After he got shot (in the incident we asked about) he went on to make a 90 minute speech anyway, a hard copy of which slowed the bullet down.

Just to reiterate, you people should all come for the Game of Thrones theme quiz in June, here at your very own Rackhouse Pub. Its gonna be bananas. If you're worried about spoilers, don't be, as there won't be any material beyond the third book/season. It's largely focusing on the TV series, so that means more Ros the Whore and less Tower of Joy. Oh well, I still love you Strong Belwas. I'll be hosting, and it should be a real good time.

Thanks a lot for coming out, see you next week.

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