I really did feel bad for the several people who thought the correct phrase was "all intensive purposes." Seriously, your educators failed you. It's not your fault. IT"S NOT YOUR FAULT.

Man, those First Ladies really take the "ILF" out of "FLILF," don't they? I guess it wouldn't be fair to be the most powerful man on the planet and have a good-lookin' broad for a wife. People would complain.

The movie Compliance gives new meaning to the term "cringe inducing." There's no way I'm gonna make it through in less than 5 viewings. Also, Dreama Walker.

I refereed to Bono as "Boner" last night. I really need to get some new material. My shit is getting hacky as fuck.

It's always Sunni in Philadelphia because Philadelphia has a sizable Sunni population based in the west part of the city.*

"Hey, hey, we're the Beatles/And people say we Beatle around!"

Between "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" and "You Don't Mess Around With Jim" I think Jim Croce had a weird thing about big, tough dudes who get what's coming to them. I'm not trying to get all psychoanalytical on the guy, but I'm sayin'... Side bar: who would win in a fight between Jim and Leroy?

I said Kevin Smith's name three times for R8Q8 and someone still wrote Jason Smith for the answer to who plays Silent Bob. I'm pretty sure you're just fucking with me now.

Have you ever wanted to go a big hippie music festival dressed as Waldo and hide behind some tents just so people on drugs can "find" you? Yeah, me neither.

*This fact has completely fabricated by the author.

xckcjn/

Man, what a colossal backfire the D.A.R.E. program is/was. From the never-unreliable Wikipedia:

"Researchers at Indiana University, commissioned by Indiana school officials in 1992, found that those who completed the D.A.R.E. program subsequently had significantly higher rates of hallucinogenic drug use than those not exposed to the program.^"

Oops.

I definitely remember being far more intrigued with the idea of LSD after hearing one of D.A.R.E.'s scare-shows in high school. Oh, acid makes you see crazy shit in fun colors? Sign me the fuck up. In fact, I recall being slightly disappointed in the actual effects of hallucinogens once I finally started taking them (not long after D.A.R.E. tried to scare me into not doing drugs). I felt like between D.A.R.E. and the hysterical and antiquated anti-drug books laying around in classrooms, I was promised something more. Don't get me wrong, I still loved drugs and my late teens and early twenties were filled with them. But goddamn D.A.R.E. had me believing that I would believe I could fly.

All this talk of hallucinogenics has got me a hankerin'. I'm gonna go find me some DMT and watch reality shatter. See you on the other side.

jgfli'poko'imilugtyrmnknbyfxtyfi98obuyt5de5tygh;gtesty67yui7tr6tlmn8b6r6

Damn, check out the bottom on those scores. Double D's on top, North Korean Pussy down below. Man, that's a good-looking spreadsheet.

Whoever mashed up Baauer with PSY must be the most diabolical villain the world has ever known. That's some Lex Luthor or Joker-level shit right there. 

Check it, these kids placed for the first time:

Yeah, everyone touch it

There is apparently a pornographic movie called One Fell Into The Poopoo's Nest. It's anal-centric.

As Evil Rob kindly pointed out last night, Adolph Hitler was democratically elected. Way to go, stupid Democracy.

Everyone was super excited (horny) when I announced the Rubbing One Out round. And then I told them it was about genies and they lost their boners/moisture. I know how much some people love that word, so I'll say it again: MOIST.

Wait, ladies belly buttons aren't supposed to be sexually arousing? This is news to me.

I'm sorry that Siberia looks like Serbia to my slow ass. Sue me.

Next four Palin shouldbortions will be named Trog, Trick (as in turning one), Tramp, and Trapp.

*end communication*

• The Royal Hilltop - Aurora 8:00 PM
• Darcy's Bistro & Pub - Denver 8:30 PM
• Prickly Pete's - Denver 8:00 PM
• The Whiskey Bar - Denver 7:00 PM
• The Cheeky Monk - Westminster 9:00 PM
• The Ram (Meridian) - Meridian 9:00 PM
• Lisa's Restaurant & Lounge - Augusta 7:30 PM
• Opal Divine's (Marina) - Austin 10:00 PM
• Opal Divine's (Penn Field) - Austin 10:00 PM